10 Things I Hate About The Joe Movie

You can imagine my elation when I first heard about the G.I. Joe Movie rumors from a year ago. Sadly as details slowly leaked out my fears grew and grew. But my biggest mistake was assuming the silver lining to this cloud was going to be lowered expectations. After all, I had seen enough really good movies this summer. What's one bad movie amongst fan-boys? So I went in with eyes wide open and no expectation that my favorite childhood franchise of ALL TIME would be any good. Sadly this movie managed to disappoint even my meager hopes and strain my sincere affection. So was there anything good about the Joe Movie? The action sequences were awesome and the casting of a couple of characters was pretty good or at least serviceable. The worst of this movie... well, I can only hope to scratch the service. So here it goes.

10) The Not To Distant Future: The only reason to make this movie set in "The Future" is to avoid explaining the ridiculous sci-fi stuff like, sonic-wave-rifles, Holographic lap-tops, and Hover planes they stole from the Terminator's garage.

9) Flash-back Faux Pas: Flash backs kicks ass and when done properly really broaden and deepen the mythology of a story in a very short amount of time. Too bad G.I. Joe couldn't flash-back their way out of a paper bag. For starters, you'd think they could manage just two separate back-stories, that of Duke and Snake-Eyes. No they choose to waste five minutes of movie in medieval Scotland and later bore you to tears with endless time spent on flat, emotionless, sequences on why The Baroness and Storm Shadow turn evil. Which brings me to Storm Shadow.

8) Storm Shadow: They almost get it right, but they play him more assassin than noble warrior. Even at his most evil, the comic always made Storm Shadow honorable. I'll admit they gave his character room to inevitably turn good in a later movie, but we can only pray another movie with this crew never happens. Yes, Storm Shadow is a good guy in the end. Maybe that was the confusion with the Baroness, but we'll get to her in a second.

7) Accelerator Suits: I knew going in that these were in the movie, but I didn't expect the CGI to suck so bad. At least make the characters look realistic. CGI has gotten to the point where I shouldn't be able to tell the difference between real stunt action and Buzz Light-Year graphics.

6) Destro: I'll accept the fact that Destro's mask in the comic was awfully animated, but that's all it was. A freaking mask! The man didn't have his skin turned into metal. Who comes up with this shit?

5) Rip-Cord: The reason his codename is Rip-Cord is because the original character was an air force paratrooper. He jumped out of planes, i.e. RIP-CORD!!! He wasn't Duke's side-kick. He wasn't a marine. He was already an the airborne. How hard is it to get even the broadest brush-strokes correct?

4) Evil Plans: So Destro goes to all this trouble to make NATO pay for his state-of-the-art nanites and then goes through the trouble of stealing them back from the government. Why not just over-charge and build more than the measly 4 missiles? And if Destro built the damn things in the first place, why does he need the Baroness' scientist husband to arm them, and why oh why do the highly touted cobra super soldiers fall down like a house of cards when Scarlett sneezes on them.

3) Sgt. Slaughter: Two words... Brendon Frasier.

2) Snake-Eyes: Almost everything about this character worked. I was even willing to ignore the casting of the vertically challenged, Ray Park. But why on earth include a line (at the very end of the movie) about Snake-Eyes taking a vow of silence as his reason for not talking. That's just destroying comic-book continuity for no purpose! He can't talk because his larynx was destroyed by a helicopter explosion!

1) The Baroness: The whole point of having a sexy, dominatrix, villainess is that she is an honest to God VILLAIN, not some corn-fed, all American, girl that's been brainwashed by her crazy-ass brother.

It's the economy, stupid!

These last few months have had me thinking... thinking really hard. Because I'm a democrat, ya know? I've been one my entire life but I just can't wrap my mind around this whole stimulus package. I understand how building a super highway from Los Angeles to Las Vegas can create jobs and thereby stimulate the economy and I'm in complete support of a universal health care plan, but I couldn't help but agree with John McCain on Meet the Press last Sunday. In fact, I've been saying it for months. It's the small business that is going to save this economy, not government jobs. No don't worry, sports fans. I'm not jumping ship. I still think we can blame the Bush Administration for the lack of regulation that led to robber barons running the banks into the ground. I still blame the republican party for allowing the types of huge tax breaks that lead to larger and larger conglomerates gobbling up small businesses by offering loss-leader price cuts that didn't allow the little guy to compete. I mean I'm Best Buy's biggest fan, but whose the competition anymore? Who does Wal-Mart compete with? Who do Compass, Chase, and Bank of America compete against? Who does Geico and Progressive compete with? What the hell has happened to the mom and pop shop that took care of you? I've spent hours on the phone with Verizon the last 4 months trying like hell to get them to take my debit card and charge me for Internet service. And every month they apologise and say their system will take my debit card this month. Too bad they will not let me pay by check, because I would have done that a long time ago. Only to now have a claims agents send me a FUCKING legal action letter for not paying my bill. So I should stop my Verizon service, right? It's not like Time Warner was any better, or fucking AT&T was any better than that. In fact the best Internet service I had was a dial-up modem telephone line in 1998. They were called Internet Texoma. But you don't find the small mom and pop business anymore. Too bad because if this country is to come back stronger than before, we damn well better make it possible for small privately owned businesses to compete. Damn, it there are days I just want to sell everything and move to a bungalow in the Bahamas!

Best Summer Show in Town!

With most TV programming on summer hiatus we are all now accustomed to the tired re-runs, boring re-treds, and experimental disasters that is summer television. But once in a while somebody gets it right. Every so often the planets align to converge on the perfect storm of delicious television goodness. Dancing with the Stars was just such a show and is now a mainstream commercial success. I am pleased to announce that I have stumbled upon another summertime gem. It will likely not have the mass appeal of half-naked dancers but it tickles my fancy quite nicely. I had plans to write paragraphs on the greatness of this program but I'll let it speak for itself. I present to you, Spike TV's: DEADLIEST WARRIOR

Taking Care of Business - Part 6

It's probably been over a year since I've released one of my world renowned articles from the Taking Care of Business series. Your wait is over. The good news is that I've been very busy since our last discussion. I have been reading Sun Tzu's Art of War. Let me just say, this is a great little book. It's especially useful if you're a feudal lord in ancient China. But you can also apply its wisdom to your career. Like how to motivate employees through torture and how to take your bosses job, through assassination. You may ask, how is work like war? A wise man once told me, that (in work) the only person that will watch out you for you is you. In this sense you can easily compare your struggle against a rival competitor, a nasty boss, or a scheming coworker as a war against your livelihood. In tribute to the great Sun Tzu, I like to call this nugget of business wisdom:

Work is Hell



There are so many great lessons to take from The Art of War so it was difficult to narrow it down to just three concepts. But if there's one thing my MBA class on public speaking taught me about good presentations, it's that you never give an audience more than three points to digest. For some reason even the most intelligent crowds can't seem to keep it together long enough to absorb four points. Perhaps in future issues we can delve deeper into this great work. For now, mull these bad boys over as you think about navigating the hell that is your career.

From Chapter 1: Laying Plans, Part 18 - Part 25

All warfare is based on deception. Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near. Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder and crush him. If he is secure at all points, be prepared for him. If he has superior strength, evade him. If your opponent is of choleric temper, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant. If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected. These military devices, leading to victory, must not be divulged beforehand.

How do we apply Sun Tzu teaching on warfare to our every day working life? There is perhaps no more important thread that runs through the Art of War than the importance of secrecy and information. You must always keep the enemy guessing and never reveal weakness. Perhaps more important is to never reveal strength. If you have an advantage, never flaunt it - lest it be wasted. Be opportunistic in your decision making and pay attention to the conditions of others. By making plans in advance through the control of information, you will be able to position yourself for great success while others around you, with more resources and experience, falter.

From Chapter 3: Attack by Stratagem, Part 18

Hence the saying: If you know your enemy and yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy or yourself, you will succumb in every battle.

This chapter on strategy is an extension of the first two chapters about careful preparations. In fact very little of Sun Tzu's work discusses the actual execution of combat. While I would be the first to admit that I far prefer action to planning, there is little doubt that good planning can make the difference in success and failure in your work. Here in chapter three, Sun Tzu reminds us that we can not limit ourselves to studying the enemy. We must look inward and examine our own self. We must be wary of our own weaknesses and be realistic when we plan our work. If we do not understand how our co-workers and clients perceive us than we will never be able to predict the outcome of our interactions with them. If you are able to properly self analyse than you are better prepared to predict the outcome of interactions at work.

From Chapter 6: Weak Points and Strong, Part 7 - Part 9

You can be sure in succeeding in your attacks if you only attack places that are undefended. You can ensure the safety of your defense if you only defend places that cannot be attacked. Hence that general is skillful in attack whose opponent does not know what to defend; and he is skillful in defense whose opponent does not know what to attack. O divine art subtlety and secrecy! Through you we learn to be invisible, through you inaudible; and hence we can hold the enemy's fate in our hands.

Again Sun Tzu speaks of secrecy and information, specifically through the art of deception. But deception can be tricky, especially in the working world. We always have to be mindful of legal and ethical standards. Unlike love and war, there are rules and guidelines we must all follow in our work. But where you can deceive your "enemy", without compromising your ethical standards or office guidelines, you will find opportunity to improve your chances of success.

Well, there you have it, folks. Your crash course on office warfare boiled down to three points. Let me know how your next corporate take-over goes after employing some of Sun Tzu's tactics.

I'm about to jump ship

I've been watching Heroes from the the beginning. I got hooked early on and have really enjoyed the ride. I was even excited going into the fall season when others were saying it was done after the strike shortened season of a year ago.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a fan-boy apologist. Meaning, once I embrace a program, I tend to stick with it through thick and thin. I tend to give a a great deal of latitude for it to screw up, become boring, and general suck up the screen. I'm also willing to give a show as mush as en entire season... sometimes two seasons before I pass final judgement. Hell, I'm watching Eureka, about to start season 4 and I still have decided if I like it.

Usually this patience is limited to science fiction and fantasy programing. I watched the first three episodes of Grey's Anatomy with my wife and told her "I'm OUT! This show sucks." Of course that may have been more of a chick-dude thing. Still, if it had been a chick-show with laser guns or dragons I probably would have given it more time.

Still, I'm proud of my sci-fi apologist stance on programing. Sometimes, given time you will find true gems. Farscape is a tremendous show that was cut down too soon. If more people had given it a chance, I am certain it would have been able to at least complete it's 5 year run.

However, I am sad to say that the last two episodes of Heroes has left me flat. I found myself saying, "Who the hell cares what happens to these ass-holes?" I'll not go into agonizing detail but one of the shows stars was put into a position where he had this season's villain dead to rights. The good guy could have put a bullet right between the bad guy's eyes. And guess what, he didn't do it! Whoop de freakin' do! You're such a good guy you aren't going to stoop to his level. How many times do we have to go over that ground. Heroes does it at least three times a season. After 4 seasons that's about 12 times too many.

For the first time I asked myself if I should give it up... I'm torn. Torn deep and I don't know what to do.

I love my TV

I love my new TV. I still love it even though I had to send it in for repairs recently. It's one of the more expensive pieces of property I own in my home. It requires tender loving care and no small amount of respect. Because Lord knows, she returns that show of love and respect in kind with hours of sweet delicious high-definition goodness.

But I am beginning to fear that I may be losing perspective. Last night I was sitting in my living room basking in her warm glow when my wife came over and sat down next to me.

"What's on TV?" she asked me.

My response was, "Dust."

I was lucky to get out with only one black eye.

Make it Fine in 2009!

It's been too long since my last post. Unfortuantely 2009 doesn't look like its going to be any easier than 2008. I am jam packed at work this week, although I'd prefer to be jam packed than layed off I suppose... Still, with two trips out of town, portfolio review, annual POAs, department staff retreat, and my city campaign launch event all in January, I'm about to pull my hair out. And now I just learn that I'm expected to run a F-ing workshop at the staff retreat! I'm about to go insane. Happy New Year!