Sunday, December 31, 2006

A Streak Ends


After 11 glorious years I am very sad to announce that my long-standing streak of never having to worship at the foot of Mr. Tidy Bowl has come to an end. As a part of the pestilent bio-hazard that my in-laws used to curse my family it turns out a nasty stomach virus was part of the package. I haven't wretched like that in my entire life and I hadn't blown chunks at all since the fall of 1995 when I got food poisoning in college. Thanks again for a wonderful Christmas visit, Jane and family!

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Biological Weapons


Reports of my demise are grossly over-estimated but the people's press of The Wheel mus inform you that contagion has struck at the highest ranks in the form of my very own niece and nephew. The entire Cyber-Family is down for the count and while I had been in hiding during the holidays, I am now officially on my last cyber-leg.

Now for the real story: I went to my mother-in-laws place for Christmas this year. My wife and I were very nervous because my wife's sister (Let's call her Jane) told my wife that her two children had been passing the croup back and forth to each other for the last several weeks. Mrs. Cyberman attempted to persuade Jane to not come to family Christmas since Jane's whole family was sick AND Jane had converted to Judaism anyway when she married her husband. My wife hadn't seen her twin brother in 12 months so we were going hell or high water. Unfortunately we knew we were playing with fire since Jane and her family decided their family illness was not worth keeping them from coming either. I'm now to exhausted to finish this story. Long story -short. My son, wife, and I are all nasty sick.

Friday, December 22, 2006

The Corner and The Cave Change Message:


This just in. Spies of The Wheel in Space are thrilled to report that Commander Q and Colonel Gyuss have already begun their 180 degree turn on the message to their troops. In an effort to turn their own defeat into comedy they have begun releasing this motivational poster. The end is truly in sight!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

News from the front lines:

The army of cybermen from The Wheel have been deployed behind enemy lines into the very heart of the combined forces of our enemy. Our glorious leader, Dagromm has given this important mission to those he trusts most to achieve victory. The communications detail of the cyber-force has provided some rare footage of actual combat to demonstrate the might and power of this glorious alliance between The Wheel and The House.

Here you see the forces being deployed at night as they make their way towards the enemy. It is with great pride that The Wheel provides you with never before seen pictures of the Cybermen in their newly designed body-armor.

Here you can see our brave forces leaving a swath of destruction in their path. No enemy is being taken alive as we burn to the ground every last enemy complex.

Our forces are seen here securing the city and making it safe for civilians to once again walk at night.

This young cyber-soldier was decorated for his bravery as he breaks into one of the secret lairs where Colonel Gyuss housed secret war documents.

This rare footage was taken just before the capture of a key leader of one of the many terrorist cells of the enemy.

Finally our cyber-troops cut loose after battle with a little free-style rap. The Wheel in Space is all about keeping moral high and reminding the brave soldiers why they are fighting: For Freedom!

A Deal with Dagromm


The elite forces of The Wheel in Space have come to agreement with the Commander and Chief of The House of Dagromm. We have joined forces to form the greatest alliance that has ever been seen! The Minister of War for the The Wheel is optomistic about a recent influx of resources and how it will turn the tide of the war.

Bombs reign from heavan!


The Wheel feels compelled to address the horrors of the blog-war going on in it's neighboring blog-countries of The Corner and The House. We have attempted to remain neutral in this conflict, placing our medical and educational resources at the disposal of both nations. However it appears that by helping both sides, neither considers The Wheel an ally. It is with great sadness that I am forced to announce that The Wheel is now accepting bribes for our blog-war affection. Where shall we start the bidding?

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Birthdays

We're very busy at The Wheel today. Business is booming so you can expect more action packed blog-posts like this one in our future.

I would like to give a very large shout-out to my lovely wife, Cyberwoman. She turned thirty-something today and The Wheel wishes her a very Merry Birthday, a Happy Christmas, and a Festive New Year. Much love to you on this special day.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Let the Good Times Roll

In honor of all things super-hero-ey I have created what could only be described as the Worst Super Hero Team in the history of history.

Meet The Z-Men!

Name: Doctor Z
Alias: Dr. Yolan Zoanan
Ability: Math
History: Dr. Yolan Zoanon is the founder and mentor of the Z-Men. He founded the Z-Men so that even the stupidist super-powers could recieve the respect and admiration it deserved. Yolan was a young boy in middle school when one day he realized that he could do long division in his head regardless of how large or small the two numbers being used. Yolan attempted to apply this unique ability to addition, subtraction, and multiplication but it didn't work. However, his uncanny ability was acknowledged by the hero community. Too bad it's wasn't good enough to recieve an invitation to join a respectable team.

Fan Favorite Moment
Captain Ham: Damn this confounded restaurant rule! The Cheesecake Factory refuses to split the check for parties of more than 6 people!

Dr. Z: Not a problem, Captain. With a little long division I can split that check as easy as my ex-wife's lawyer split my bank account!


Name: Dirk Armstrong
Alias: Captain Ham
Ability: X-Ray Vision
History: Dirk Armstrong is the acting leader of the Z-Men. Dirk was one of the first pupils Dr. Z ever instructed. With natural good looks and the gift of leadership, Dirk was destined to lead a super-team, accept for that little problem with his super-power. It all started in college. As the football team's quarterback, Dirk was going over the passing plays in the cafeteria one afternoon. Before he realized what had happened he noticed that he could no longer see the large pork-chop resting on his plate. Too bad his x-ray vision was limited to pork products. Senseing that being a super-hero was his destiney, he applied for all the major openings across the country. Unfortuatnely everyone turned their nose up at him.

Fan Favorite Moment
Captain Ham: Stand back, Ma'am. There appears to be some trouble in the meat market!


Name: Cindy Woods
Alias: Lady Flybird
Ability: Levitation
History: Cindy Woods learned of her super power while she was performing as a cheerleader on the sidelines of a football game. On that fateful day the cheer pyramid came crashing down by accident and Cindy was about to eat asphalt when she miraculously stopped in mid-air only one inch from the ground. While she was ostracized as a freak amongst her peers she attempted to hone her new found skill. Unfortunately her powers of levitation stopped and started one inch off the ground. This blonde bombshell is not only the team's flying wonder but she is also Captain Ham's girlfriend. The two have had a heated on-again-off-again romance ever since she joined the group following her high-school graduation.

Fan Favorite Moment
Captain Ham: Respect you? I'll respect you ten times more!

Lady Flybird: Okay, Dirk. But just this once.


Name: Chris Shoemate
Alias: Kid-Curious
Ability: Willpower
History: Chris Shoemate is a dashing young man from the San Francisco bay area. Chris slowly came to grips with his special power as a young boy in school. Even then, Chris initially tried to deny his destiny as a super-hero, joining a small repertory theatre, in an attempt to make it as a stage dancer. However, he could not deny the fact that no matter how attractive, sexy, or sensual the women around him were, he could always resist their feminine wiles. He marveled at this amazing ability to withstand the fair sex and he eventually came to grips with the fact that he could use this power to fight evil. It took some convincing, as most super-teams refused to even acknowledge his powers as super-human, but eventually Chris found his place on the Z-Men. Even now, he still faces prejudice by his own teammates as he struggles to fight for equality as a super-hero.

Fan Favorite Moment
Lady Flybird: But, Dr. Z. We haven't been able to catch Madame Sexy. She is too elusive. We need someone to act as bait for her next criminal seduction.

Kid-Curious: Don't worry, Dr. Z. I'll bait her with my good-looks and then use my special power to resist her feminine wiles.

Captain Ham: Dude, how many times do I have to tell you that isn't a super-power. Special maybe, but not a super-power.

Kid Curious: Dr. Z! He's doing it again!

Name: Julia Gomez
Alias: Cat-Walk
Ability: Symmetry
History: Julia Gomez was both a stunning beauty and naturally talented artist. In fact she put herself through art-school by modeling on the runway. It wasn't until she started her course-work in college that she realized her natural ability as an artist extended beyong the normal because she had a natural gift for symmetry. She always could artistically balance images in a semetrical and pleasing way. To the naked eye, she was a gifted artists, but to the art community she was a freak-show. She dropped out of school in shame but luckly found Dr. Z and the Z-Men. Now she puts her super-power to symmetrically good use.

Fan Favorite Moment
Lady Flybird: Confound that interior decorator. He left without finishing the job!

Cat-Walk: Don't Worry, Cindy. With just a few minor adjustments, your living space will have the proper flow you were looking for.

Name: Greg Gunderson
Alias: The Groundhog Avenger
Ability: Shapshifting
History: Greg Gunderson came to his super-power late in life due to an unexpected brush with a nuclear power-plant near the Badlands of South Dakota. Greg, an environmentalist and hiking buff, was on one of his monthly outings when he came across a nuclear power station. Long story short is that he and a nearby ground-hog now share DNA, making Greg the recipient of a new-found shapeshifting ability. Unfortunately he can only turn himself into a groundhog. It doesn't sound too impressive but Greg has become an invaluable member of the Z-Men, getting the team out of all kinds of trouble.

Fan Favorite Moment
Kid-Curious: Blast these infernal weathermen! I don't know if I should go clubing tonight in my tank-top or my turtle-neck.

The Groundhog Avenger: Hold tight there, Chris. I'll just dash outside and let you know if we can expect 4 more weeks of winter!

(Pictures are not the property of The Wheel in Space and have been borrowed from other websites and lovingly used as creative flare for this article)

How Do You Like Me Now?

Pick a band and answer these questions using song titles by that band only: Toby Keith


Are you male or female: Who's That Man
Describe yourself: Angry American
How do some people feel about you: I Wanna Talk About Me
How do you feel about yourself: As Good As I Once Was
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: Wish I Didn't Know Now
Describe where you want to be: I Aint Already There
Describe what you want to be in: I Love This Bar
Describe what you want: A Woman's Touch
Describe how you live: Next Thing On My List
Describe how you love: A Little Less Talk and A Lot More Action

(A Tribute for The Q)

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Car Trouble


Dear Lord in Heaven! My wife is a very smart woman. She started her own business, has a masters degree, raises our child (soon to be children), and reads nothing but non-fiction. Does that not scream intellectual? So what is the deal with the car? We took a road trip to see my parents this weekend and I drove her car for the first time in many months. The car started shaking at high speeds and also shook severely when I hit the brakes. I asked her how long this had been happening and she said, just a couple of months.

A couple of months!?!

A couple of months is a couple of months too long in my book. She said she knew that we should get it fixed but that we were trying to save money and she hoped we could wait until after the holidays.

"That's not going to work," I said. Let's get it checked out. So I took it in today. To top it off, I had to rent a car for the day, skip my early morning Wednesday workout, and the entire process made me three hours late for work. Damn, that was inconvenient.

To add complete insult to injury I got the call from the garage. Brakes and tires for a grand total of $500! Go F-ing figure. I guess what's really eating at me is that my wife and I have exactly three months left of her working before the baby arrives. That's three months to make absolutely as much money as possible so we can pay off as much debt before we have to go into frugal mode. This little trip to the garage just makes that all the more difficult!

What does this say about me?

Q did it and G did it so I'm doing it and I enjoyed reading theirs and the kind of picture it paints about who they are. I wonder what people will think when they read mine. If you only read the things I've done I think it paints the picture of me as a real asshole. Oh well. This is me...

Copy to your blog and bold the things you have done.


01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse (annular and lunar)
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert” (Q remember this?)
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised (Raising... who's counting?) children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic (wouldn't describe it as exotic) bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart (As gently as possible)
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Album Review - Tenacious D

In tribute to the recent release of the Tenacious D movie, The Pick of Destiny, I'd like to respectuflly re-post another throw-back article from the old DUI.com. Readers of The Wheel, if you haven't experianced The D, I highly recommend it.



Tenacious D "Tenacious D"
Release Date: September 25, 2001
Certification Status: Gold on July 2, 2002
Chart Peak Position: N/A
Singles and Chart Positions: N/A

Track List:
1. Kielbasa
2. One Note Song
3. Tribute
4. Wonderboy
5. Hard F***ing
6. F*** Her Gently
7. Explosivo
8. Dio
9. Inward Singing
10. Kyle Quit The Band
11. The Road
12. C*** Pushups
13. Lee
14. Friendship Test
15. Friendship
16. Karate Schnitzel
17. Karate
18. Rock Your Socks
19. Drive-Thru
20. Double Team
21. City Hall

My Opinion:
Once every so often a band comes along that makes rock n’ roll fun again. At the dawn of the new millennium Tenacious D exploded onto the music scene with “Wonderboy”, a moving power-ballad about a swashbuckling super hero and his nemesis Young Nasty Man. “Wonderboy”, the flagship song of the band’s record was only one of many masterful songs on their self-titled album. The irony of this stirring album’s origin, as well as the band that penned this CD of poetic tunes, was that in a world of punk-metal-hard-rock-grunge amalgams that all take themselves far too seriously, the talented duo of Jack Black and Kyle Gass managed to tap into the excitement and passion of rock n’ roll enthusiasts across the nation through comedy.

Yes, Tenacious D is nothing more than a rock music punch line and yet they are so much more. If you knew Jack Black from his higher profile endeavors in Hollywood before you listened to his music then you might not be surprised by his lyrical musings. Kyle Gass, a considerably lesser-known actor, is also an artist in the comedic genre. What they have combined to create is a real life caricature of rock music and musicians. However this rock n’ roll figment is no more a figment then any other creative enterprise that grew from the momentum of its own loyal following. Their tours have sold more tickets than some “real” rock bands and their album can be found on more CD racks than many “legitimate” artists. I use the words “real” and “legitimate” in quotes because while, Tenacious D isn’t a band in the normal sense of the word they are more talented and inspirational than most current bands in the business. The result is a living, breathing version of Spinal Tap.

Of course, like Spinal Tap, Tenacious D may not be for everyone. My wife and I, for instance, have completely different tastes and she is often bored to tears by my choice of music, television, and movies. However, her twin brother, a musician himself in the Reno Nevada area, loves “The D” and put me on to the band in the first place. My recommendation would be to check it out for yourself. Who knows, you may find that you can’t get enough of “Wonderboy”, “F*** Her Gently”, “Rock Your Socks Off”, and “Tribute” to name a few. The album is packed full of hilarity while at the same time being an outstanding work of musical craftsmanship. Just be sure to tell your friends you heard about it here first.

Monday, December 11, 2006

To wait or not to wait...

Like many married couples we alternate years we spend December 25th celebrating Christmas between her family and mine. Since this was the off year, my family had the bright idea of getting together this weekend. Good times were had by all and I managed to score the dvd of the third x-men film. Unlike Dags, I enjoyed this movie and was glad to complete my collection, if for no other reason than to just complete the collection. However, it got me thinking about the content of one's DVD library. You see I've now got the third x-men film and I have yet to purchase single Harry Potter movie.

Of course one man's trash is another man's treasure, so I'll not debate the merits of X-Men 3 the Last Stand, but it does beg the question why I don't have far suprerior movies in my library. For me, I think it is worth while to wait for a movie series to come out in a multi-pack but it has come down to my level of patience and my knowledge of the movie's plans for a sequal. When X-Men came out I thought it was genius and I had no knowledge of planned sequels, so when it arrived on DVD, I snatched it up. It therefore predicated my purchasing the remaining DVDs individually as I am completely against owning multiple copies of movies.

In a different situation, Harry Potter is an even better movie franchise of which I don't own a single installment. Mainly because I assumed/knew that they would make all seven books into films and I assume/know that there will be some jumbo pack that probably has some cool special feature. So I will have patiently waited for an entire decade before owning a single Potter film.

To add one more wrinkle to the mix, what if you really can't stand certain installments of a series and don't want the entire collection? Does that make your video library incomplete or a movie purist? I own the first two Superman movies and will probably never own an others.

I'm a fan of Pirates and have already purchased the first one, I guess that means I should go ahead and buy the next one, even though I'm sure there will be a three pack.

I loved the 1st Spider Man movie but just before I was about to purchase I learned of the sequals. I still don't own the first two. Am I wasting time not purchasing movies when I want them or is there value in the multi-pack?

The world may never know!

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Why Britney Spears is Overrated

I'd like to point out that I originally wrote this article in the summer of 2004. One might think me pre-cognitive for how far this young lady has fallen. But certainly nobody is now surprised that this pop princess was little more than a cover-girl. She is still a cover girl now but just of a different kind. I think she may even be another kind of cover-girl before her career is over. It would not be a surprise to me. Big props to Q for his original publication of this on-line. Enjoy the throw-back article.

Britney Spears is the most overrated celebrity in the market. Headlines cannot get enough quotes from this vacuous personality. Consumers cannot buy enough of her talent-empty albums. Men cannot download enough of her airbrushed images from the Internet, and corporations cannot have her artificially sponsor enough of their products.

So why is this vacuous, talent-less, artificial, walking glamour shot in such high demand? Two reasons and two reasons alone can account for this phenomenon. An excellent marketing team and a look that only the best money can buy.

I am sure that the girl can dance with the best of them, and (from what I read and see in the media) she apparently puts on a pretty good live performance. But does this showmanship account for the billions that she is worth? I would imagine that there are thousands of struggling performers on Broadway that would argue against this assumption. If this were the case then every back-up dancer in the theatre would be a millionaire.

No, this is the case of a young girl who was at the right place, at the right time with the right financial backing behind her to springboard a cute look into a billion dollar franchise. Now that the cute girl is a mature young woman, she is lucky enough to not have to tap-dance around the subtle marketing of her as a sex symbol. She can sell her sexuality, boldly going where now woman has gone before (save Janet Jackson and we all know where that got her).

Let’s not pretend this music star is an intellectual giant. Have you seen an interview with this girl? The vocabulary is on par with an eighth grade reading level and the depth of character is about as profound as a Sponge-Bob-Square-Pants episode.

So what is wrong with someone being at the right place at the right time? What is wrong with trading sex for money? I say nothing is wrong with it. So many people have done it before Britney Spears and so many people will do it after she is long gone. What I have a problem with is the misguided accolades that applaud the “lucky-hot-chick” for her talent and power in an industry that is made up of far more puppeteers than possibly any other business in existence today.

If Britney were truly a powerful music mogul then she would probably be able to make more money doing business deals from behind the scenes than out on the stage. And lets not even begin to argue over her talent. Even Britney herself has admitted that her voice is only OK.

So next time we award Britney a platinum record for the number of album sales, lets give it to her agent instead. And the next time Forbes decides to rank her as one of the most powerful people in the world based on her pop-culture exposure, lets take away all the pimply-faced boys that are using her Internet images to live out their unfulfilled prom-night fantasies. They are a fare-weather bunch that will quickly tire of her and move on to the next latest and greatest beauty anyway.

I’ll not argue the pervasive popularity of Britney. I just see a whole lot of style and very little substance. -Summer 2004-

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Football is over


For me the football season has come to an end. My fantasy hopes died with a tie game. A tie game. Suck. I'd almost rather lose. I'd like to appologize to America for the disappointment that was the Sports Donkey Lollipop Buffet. The team ownership will be doing a complete assessment of the franchise fom top to bottom across all facets of the organization and we will report in the off-season our findings. Well, One can only look toward the future now and the hope that one day I might be lucky enough to draft LT or Peyton Manning. Who knows, perhaps next year I will be the special franchise that manges to get a pick in the top 5 to secure that special player that makes losing teams into winning ones. Only time will tell. I wish those deserving owners the best of luck in their fantasy play-offs.

Cyber D, Out!

Friday, December 01, 2006

Mr. Frost or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Ice


Why can people in Texas not drive on ice and snow? Perhaps it isn't Texas. Perhaps it is people raised in the big city that are stupid in this case. I know it isn't southerners. I learned to drive growing up in the foothills of the Ozark Mountains and I can drive on ice and snow just fine without tire-chains or anything.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think I can scale the Rockies in a Ford Hatchback, but one should be able to navigate a level street for a couple of miles with a few icy patches here and there. Seriously! Watching the news last night, you'd have thought that the second ice age came to the Metroplex. People of the press, you really don't help those worry-warts feel any better about a scattered sleet.

I'll admit that my city doesn't help the stupid city driver very much. We don't put salt on the road for some reason down here. We put sand. That doesn't help to melt ice or make roadways less treacherous. It just helps your car get dirty.

Bottom line: If you just use a little common sense, drive a little slower than your usual 90 miles an hour, don't slam on the breaks when you skid, and keep your wheel straight... you'll do just fine. It also helps when people driving four-wheel tanks don't think they are invincible. I'm here to tell you that it doesn't matter if you weigh 20 tons, your wheels will still slide on ice. Mother Nature is a bitch like that. But stupid people will not stop being stupid so you have to watch out for yourself on the street.

So why don't we all strike a healthy balance between indestructible carelessness and angst-ridden petrification.