Let the Good Times Roll

In honor of all things super-hero-ey I have created what could only be described as the Worst Super Hero Team in the history of history.

Meet The Z-Men!

Name: Doctor Z
Alias: Dr. Yolan Zoanan
Ability: Math
History: Dr. Yolan Zoanon is the founder and mentor of the Z-Men. He founded the Z-Men so that even the stupidist super-powers could recieve the respect and admiration it deserved. Yolan was a young boy in middle school when one day he realized that he could do long division in his head regardless of how large or small the two numbers being used. Yolan attempted to apply this unique ability to addition, subtraction, and multiplication but it didn't work. However, his uncanny ability was acknowledged by the hero community. Too bad it's wasn't good enough to recieve an invitation to join a respectable team.

Fan Favorite Moment
Captain Ham: Damn this confounded restaurant rule! The Cheesecake Factory refuses to split the check for parties of more than 6 people!

Dr. Z: Not a problem, Captain. With a little long division I can split that check as easy as my ex-wife's lawyer split my bank account!


Name: Dirk Armstrong
Alias: Captain Ham
Ability: X-Ray Vision
History: Dirk Armstrong is the acting leader of the Z-Men. Dirk was one of the first pupils Dr. Z ever instructed. With natural good looks and the gift of leadership, Dirk was destined to lead a super-team, accept for that little problem with his super-power. It all started in college. As the football team's quarterback, Dirk was going over the passing plays in the cafeteria one afternoon. Before he realized what had happened he noticed that he could no longer see the large pork-chop resting on his plate. Too bad his x-ray vision was limited to pork products. Senseing that being a super-hero was his destiney, he applied for all the major openings across the country. Unfortuatnely everyone turned their nose up at him.

Fan Favorite Moment
Captain Ham: Stand back, Ma'am. There appears to be some trouble in the meat market!


Name: Cindy Woods
Alias: Lady Flybird
Ability: Levitation
History: Cindy Woods learned of her super power while she was performing as a cheerleader on the sidelines of a football game. On that fateful day the cheer pyramid came crashing down by accident and Cindy was about to eat asphalt when she miraculously stopped in mid-air only one inch from the ground. While she was ostracized as a freak amongst her peers she attempted to hone her new found skill. Unfortunately her powers of levitation stopped and started one inch off the ground. This blonde bombshell is not only the team's flying wonder but she is also Captain Ham's girlfriend. The two have had a heated on-again-off-again romance ever since she joined the group following her high-school graduation.

Fan Favorite Moment
Captain Ham: Respect you? I'll respect you ten times more!

Lady Flybird: Okay, Dirk. But just this once.


Name: Chris Shoemate
Alias: Kid-Curious
Ability: Willpower
History: Chris Shoemate is a dashing young man from the San Francisco bay area. Chris slowly came to grips with his special power as a young boy in school. Even then, Chris initially tried to deny his destiny as a super-hero, joining a small repertory theatre, in an attempt to make it as a stage dancer. However, he could not deny the fact that no matter how attractive, sexy, or sensual the women around him were, he could always resist their feminine wiles. He marveled at this amazing ability to withstand the fair sex and he eventually came to grips with the fact that he could use this power to fight evil. It took some convincing, as most super-teams refused to even acknowledge his powers as super-human, but eventually Chris found his place on the Z-Men. Even now, he still faces prejudice by his own teammates as he struggles to fight for equality as a super-hero.

Fan Favorite Moment
Lady Flybird: But, Dr. Z. We haven't been able to catch Madame Sexy. She is too elusive. We need someone to act as bait for her next criminal seduction.

Kid-Curious: Don't worry, Dr. Z. I'll bait her with my good-looks and then use my special power to resist her feminine wiles.

Captain Ham: Dude, how many times do I have to tell you that isn't a super-power. Special maybe, but not a super-power.

Kid Curious: Dr. Z! He's doing it again!

Name: Julia Gomez
Alias: Cat-Walk
Ability: Symmetry
History: Julia Gomez was both a stunning beauty and naturally talented artist. In fact she put herself through art-school by modeling on the runway. It wasn't until she started her course-work in college that she realized her natural ability as an artist extended beyong the normal because she had a natural gift for symmetry. She always could artistically balance images in a semetrical and pleasing way. To the naked eye, she was a gifted artists, but to the art community she was a freak-show. She dropped out of school in shame but luckly found Dr. Z and the Z-Men. Now she puts her super-power to symmetrically good use.

Fan Favorite Moment
Lady Flybird: Confound that interior decorator. He left without finishing the job!

Cat-Walk: Don't Worry, Cindy. With just a few minor adjustments, your living space will have the proper flow you were looking for.

Name: Greg Gunderson
Alias: The Groundhog Avenger
Ability: Shapshifting
History: Greg Gunderson came to his super-power late in life due to an unexpected brush with a nuclear power-plant near the Badlands of South Dakota. Greg, an environmentalist and hiking buff, was on one of his monthly outings when he came across a nuclear power station. Long story short is that he and a nearby ground-hog now share DNA, making Greg the recipient of a new-found shapeshifting ability. Unfortunately he can only turn himself into a groundhog. It doesn't sound too impressive but Greg has become an invaluable member of the Z-Men, getting the team out of all kinds of trouble.

Fan Favorite Moment
Kid-Curious: Blast these infernal weathermen! I don't know if I should go clubing tonight in my tank-top or my turtle-neck.

The Groundhog Avenger: Hold tight there, Chris. I'll just dash outside and let you know if we can expect 4 more weeks of winter!

(Pictures are not the property of The Wheel in Space and have been borrowed from other websites and lovingly used as creative flare for this article)