Thursday, August 31, 2006

The Top Seinfeld Guest Characters

You know you've been waiting for it. You've been asking yourself how long it was going to take me to release the definitive assessment of the best Seinfeld minor characters of all time. Everyone has their favorite major character: The wacky Kramer, the neurotic George, the self-important Elaine, and the smug Jerry. But some of the best comedy to come out of this series came from the fantastic minor characters that were so important to the show's overall story. It is my pleasure to finally bring to the masses your top ten - in reverse order.

10)Uncle Leo

Uncle Leo is the annoying old coot relative that we all have in our family. He always greets you with an over-zealous hug, he brags about his own children, and bores you with horror stories about dead family members or physical ailments. In many cases these characters are as annoying as they are intended to be but the talents of Len Lesser manage to make Uncle Leo annoying to Jerry but enjoyable to the viewer. Uncle Leo appeared in 15 episodes making him one of the top ten most frequented characters to the series.

9)Mr. Pitt

Mr. Pitt was Elaine's boss for two episodes in the sixth season. But his impact on the series included eight episodes. This eccentric millionaire is obsessed with the right pair of socks, eating Snickers bars with a knife and fork, and terrified of fountain pens. These idiosyncrasies (among others) made the character an unpredictable and zany side-show and was cause for much hardship on Elaine. One of the most notable moments for this character is when a bizarre string of circumstances (including a brush with some black shoe-polish) lead Mr. Pitt to making a stock-holders presentation while looking like Adolph Hitler while not even being aware of it.

8) The Soup Nazi

While the Soup Nazi only appears in two episodes (The Soup Nazi & The Finale) this character left an indelible mark on the psyche of Seinfeld fans everywhere. Like most great creations from this series, The Soup Nazi is bizarre and yet realistic in his own crazy way. And with just a dash of the outlandish, The Soup Nazi represents all that was great about the series in its prime. Everyone who loved the show remembers fondly the way in which each of the main characters reacted to the dictatorial style of the Soup Nazi, thinking he was immune to the need for customer relations because his soup was so unique. Until Elaine got hold of his recipes.

7) Sue Ellen Mischke

The O'Henry Candy Bar heiress made wearing undergarments as outer-garments fashionable. She is the perfect combination of terrible and beautiful. Elaine sees Sue Ellen as an intense rival, compelling Elaine to lash out in unpredictable ways. Her most notable moments in the series occur when she wears only a bra for a top, causing Kramer to crash his car. She also invites the main cast to India for her wedding, only to find out that Elaine and the groom had a relationship together in the past. Sue Ellen also makes an appearance in my personal favorite episode: The Bottle Deposit (Parts 1 and 2). In this pivotal scene, Sue Ellen tempts Elaine into bidding on JFK's golf clubs at a price she cannot afford.

6) Jackie Chiles

Arguably a comedic "jab" at the then famous Johnny Cochran, Jackie Chiles is the slick defense attorney always out to make a quick buck. If Kramer were drug addict than Jackie would have been his "pusher." Unlike most, Jackie always took Kramer seriously and would provide the legal support to any of Kramer's schemes that required it. Well spoken, well dressed, and always available to the ladies, Jackie was a slick used car salesman with a law degree. Most notable moments include assisting Kramer in law suits against a major coffee company, the Oh Henry candy bar company, and the tobacco industry. It is also testament to the acting chops of Phil Morris that he plays a central role in the Seinfeld series finale.

5) Estelle Costanza

No two characters better explain the ball of neurosis that is George Costanza. This over-baring, melodramatic, hot-headed mother is often times the source of her son's frustration with life. But at the same time Mrs. Costanza is an endearing character who, more often than not, is the voice of reason in episodes where she appears. Her most notable moments include being groped by Kramer to the disdain of her husband and her constant bickering with said husband. But perhaps more important than anything, Estelle is a central figure in the single most famous episode of the Seinfeld series. Estelle is the one to walk in on her son while he is abusing himself to a Glamour magazine. This family trauma later sparks the conversation between the main characters that leads to "The Contest."

4) J. Peterman

The owner and chief executive of the J. Peterman Catalog company, Jacopo Peterman is a world traveler and salesman of upscale clothing. Based on a real person, Peterman is a dashing yet eccentric man who is prone to verbal rabbit trails that take him down memory lane. Appearing in an astounding 21 episodes, Peterman has the distinction of being one of the most repeated characters in the show's history. Peterman represents what he perceives as the ideal in man: nobel, brave, well spoken, and not the least bit humble. Like most of the great secondary characters in the series, he starts off as a counter-point to just one of the main characters but eventually becomes intertwined with each over the course of the series. His most notable moments really come from his bizarre perspective on life.

Mr. Peterman: I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You've tested positive for opium.
Elaine: [astonished] Opium?
Mr. Peterman: That's right. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.

3) David Puddy

The on-again-off-again boyfriend of Elaine who at first glance seams like your stereotypical man. Elaine is initially drawn to Puddy because he is tall, handsome, and works with his hands. At one point in the series she even decides to start dating him again simply because she needs a dresser moved in her house. But it is Puddy's intricate personality that makes him such a dynamic character and the reason for his 11 appearances in the series. Between being a closet germaphobe, his love of New Jersey Devil Ray Hockey, Arbys, and his religious conviction, Puddy proves to be more than just a "strong-man" character. Perhaps if a lesser actor had portrayed the role the Puddy character might never have been given the time to develop but Patrick Wharburton pulls off the delicate balance of macho exterior with a sensitive soul. Ultimately Puddy's departing moment encapsulates his time on the series when Elaine tells him not to wait for her after she is sentenced to jail. His response: "Okay."

2) Frank Coztanza

The Costanza patriarch is one of the single most funniest characters in the entire series. Like his wife, he is over-baring, melodramatic, and hot headed, making them a match made in heaven. Only their similarities create massive tension between the couple causing many a temporary break-up over the course of the series. Never fear, the eternal love they share always lead them back together. Where Frank edges out his wife on this list is his eccentricities. He is far more bizarre and ultimately one of the most entertaining secondary players. His most notable moments are his fear of cooking, despite his culinary prowess, his envy of Christmas and the ultimate holiday that he creates: Festivus, and his entrepreneur venture with Kramer, the "Bro" ... or was it the "Manzeere?"

1) Newman



This disgruntled postal worker was the ying to Jerry's yang, the Lex Luthor to his Superman, the Moriarty to his Sherlock Holmes. Appearing in almost twice as many episodes as any other single character, Newman came as close to being a regular cast member as you could get. Best friends to Kramer, enemy of Jerry, secret admirer of Elaine, and afterthought to George, Newman permeated every corner of the Seinfeld universe. Some of the greatest episodes included a pivotal role for the Newman character. The most notable moments included the bottle deposit scheme with Kramer, infecting Jerry's apartment with fleas, and convincing Jerry to help him improve his standing at the post office so that he might be considered for a transfer to Hawaii. It goes without saying that the talented skills of Wayne Knight were instrumental in bringing this character to life and making him the enemy we all love to hate.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

My Personality is Like...


Drug - Acid, A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict. One moment you're in your own little happy universe... And the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell!

Tarot Card - The Devil, You don't represent evil, but you do represent the animalistic side of humans. You demonstrate what happens when we listen to our first instincts. At times you tend to be materialistic and hedonistic, giving in to temptation. Admit it, you're guilty of acting first - and forgetting to think later!

Ice Cream - Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, A classic and an original, no wonder everyone snakes your style!

I Belong In - 1972, 1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all!

Superhero - Spider Man, Quick and agile, you have killer instincts (literally).
And that kind of makes up for the whole creepy spider thing.

Sesame Street Character - Bert, Extremely serious and a little eccentric, people find you lovable - even if you don't love them! You are usually feeling: Logical - you rarely let your emotions rule you You are famous for: Being smart, a total neat freak, and maybe just a little evil. How you life your life: With passion, even if your odd passions (like bottle caps and pigeons) are baffling to others

Personality Disorder - Antisocial, Antisocial? That may be a bit of an understatement. You think rules are meant to be broken - and with gusto! Having no fear, you don't even think about consequences. But people love you anyway... you've got a boatload of charm.

Theme Song - Back in Black by AC/DC, "Back in black, I hit the sack,
I've been too long, I'm glad to be back" Things sometimes get really crazy for you, and sometimes you have to get away from all the chaos. But each time you stage your comeback, it's even better than the last!

Try it out for yourself...
  • Personality Test
  • Monday, August 28, 2006

    Hope Springs Eternal


    The Men of Baker Fantasy Football League (or MOBFL) Draft has officially concluded for 2006. Good times were had by all and everyone, save The Gulf Coast Brigands, enters this NFL season with prospects high. While this weekend was not the best for me in terms of fantasy football focus, I do believe the Sports Donkey Lollipop Buffet (or SDLB) has a strong team.

    Round 1 - In a very unexpected move I made a trade with the new owner who held the 1st pick in the draft. Knowing he is a Redskins apologist, I offered him the SDLB keeper player Clinton Portis, in exchange for him drafting Rudi Johnson and trading him to me. A player that I would have never been able to draft at the end of the first round. In making this trade the Fat Hogs and the SDLB swapped second round picks.

    Round 2 - At the end of the 2nd round the "Brain Trust" of the SDLB decided to draft Reggie Bush if he was available. If not, we were to grab the best WR on the board. Reggie Bush was drafted in the first round! Major surprise. So with Holt, Harrison, and Moss all taken I drafted Roy Williams - super stud out of Detroit.

    Round 3 - Perhaps the most crucial position in the draft and I go and cough up an egg! With Barber, Portis, Johnson, James, Alexander, Tomlinson, Parker, Foster, Jones, Williams, Jackson, and Droughns all gone I panic and take Julius Jones. This is perhaps my most lamented decision of the entire draft, but we move on.

    Round 4 - With the SDLB (having kept Terrell Owens and secured Roy Williams, and now two solid starting backs, I go for the best QB on the board. With Manning, Manning, McNabb, Brady, Bulger, Rothlesburger, Delhome, and Culpepper gone I snag the great white hope, Trent Green. The offense may not be as high-flying but he has a great arm and some great O-weapons.

    Round 5 - Running backs are now looking bleak with the only thing left being, backs with injury risk, rookies, and backs on a team that choose to execute a running-back by committee concept. I go for Joseph Addai. Possibly the next great runner behind the line with Peyton Manning. A rookie, yes but a promising one. This feels like my genius rookie pick of Fred Taylor eight years ago.

    Round 6 - Running Backs aren't looking any better and you need 4 on a team. Chris Brown is still a starter so we take him and are grateful.

    Round 7 - With two stud Wideouts it isn't too much of a concern who the number 3 is on the SDLB, but Reggie Brown is the go-to guy for McNabb. He'll get his share of TDs.

    Round 8 - Let go ahead and lock up the last Wideout, so we can worry about something else. Lee Evans is the number one wide receiver for Buffalo and as the number 4 wide receiver for the SDLB, that is a pretty deep group!

    Round 9 - Trent Green aint no spring chicken and injuries can happen. The young QBs with promise are all gone, but there are plenty of "journeymen" looking to cash in on a good situation. How about the offensive genius of Mike Martz and the beautiful hands of Roy Williams? John Kitna becomes the SDLB number 2 QB.

    Round 10 - With Rudi, Julius, Addai, and Chris Brown as the 4 RBs, there are still concerns of productivity. The number 3 back in Green Bay is still available and the only back in GB that will not be suffering from injury this season. Samkon Gado because the number 5 RB on the SDLB.

    Round 11 & 12 - The SDLB prefers to draft kickers before the "run" begins. We were one round too late. But managed to snag Jason Elam and Jeff Reed. Just after Viniaterri, Feely, Graham, and Akers were taken. Bad news: Elam and Reed share a bye week so a trade will be required before week 4. Serves me right for not paying attention, but at pick 11 out of 12 in a serpentine draft, you don't get much time between picks to think about the next one.

    Round 13 - It's garbage time and the SDLB wants to load up with as many backs as possible. How about an ageless goal-line vulture, adored by his head coach? Sounds good. Welcome back Mike Alstot. I have missed you so very much.

    Round 14 - I never draft a defense early and I never will. As evidenced by this great defense still sitting out here at the end of the draft. Indianapolis was a monster last year and Tony Dungy will only improve this unit in 2006.

    Round 15 - As a keeper pick on the 15th round Terrell Owens only comes with upside.

    So good luck to all you slouches in other leagues and be lucky that you do not fall under the boot of the might SDLB in the MOBFL.

    Sunday, August 20, 2006

    Paratroopers Rule


    I've now played several games of Axis and Allies: Miniatures and I've come to at least one undeniable conclusion. Paratroopers rule! I've played different armies with different units. I've focused on a balanced army, I've gone heavy tanks, lots of air support, massive amounts of cheap units (canon fodder) but the most formidable armies I have built have always contained at least two paratroopers. Right now the U.S. paratrooper is (by far) the best, and with the Screaming Eagle Captain they become a serious force to be reckoned with. I'm usually the type of gamer that enjoys employing different strategies as often as possible. But these U.S. paratroopers combined with their captain, and the indirect fire-support of the 81mm Mortar teams is almost too "sure-fire" to pass up.

    Basically these units get to "teleport" onto the battlefield anywhere and at any time. They are super tough (by comparison to other infantry), they have great attacks, and they ignore the effects of being "pinned down" (or in A&A terminology - disruption). They are expensive units but at 9 points a pop you can run 3-4 and still have enough for a 20-30 point tank and some other support units and still make it under the 100 point army limit. I am now torn between only every running paratroopers because I know it improves my chances of winning drastically OR trying my hand at some other strategies I see in the mechanics. I suppose I could take a lesson from the ol' Q himself and play an unbeatable strategy until somebody beats me.

    Thursday, August 17, 2006

    I am ready for some Football!

    And yet I have never been less prepared. The MOBFL draft is next Saturday and the Q and I have decided to join forces to form a band the likes of which have never been seen! I think this tandem-extrodinair is likely causing me to go a little slack in my game prep. But I've got to knuckle down this coming week and get my mind right. I have watched less than 5 minutes of pre-season action and that is because I am typically catching games in the 4th quarter when all the SPARES are playing. I think my TiVo is going to be the death of me and live-sports viewing. I almost never surf tv anymore. I go straight to my pre-recorded list. But I'm sure that once the rhythm of Sunday-Monday games are back in full swing I'll be more tuned to the game. Still, I am VERY excited and plan to indoctrinate my son into football watching. He turns 2 years old next month so any advice one can give on how to get him hooked is greatly appreciated.

    Friday, August 11, 2006

    I'm hooked, once again!


    I told myself I wouldn't do it. I told myself I would not allow myself to get into another collectible game. But two of my old college friends just had to start collecting and playing it. They invited me over a few times. They even let me borrow their units to play. I managed to hold out for several weeks. But after playing the game three times now I think I'm going to have to take the plunge.

    If you haven't tried the new WOTC game Axis and Allies: Miniatures you should try it. I've come to appreciate the value of pre-painted plastic models. As a parent to a young child, painting just isn't an option anymore so my snobbery for painting my own models has gone out the window. That's one thing this game has going for it. And while the models themselves aren't that great, they are definitely serviceable. What was most surprising is how balanced the game mechanics are relative to the point costs for each unit. With all the variation in units: from tanks to infantry, to aircraft, anti-air, halftracks, elite units, and commanders there is a huge risk of creating unbalanced units and consequently "breaking" the game. So far WOTC has done an outstanding job of keeping everything balanced, making every unit have it's benefits and drawbacks. The point costs also seam very workable, making the truly elite units so expensive that you will definitely find yourself outnumbered if you chose to deploy them. I'm already trying to work a deal on-line to trade some of my old game miniatures for some of this stuff.

    Man am I a sucker.

    Wednesday, August 02, 2006

    The Road Rage Solution

    I'm sitting in my car during rush-hour traffic on the way to work and I have an epiphany. First I'm looking around at all the eighteen-wheelers. Needless to say there are several clogging up the lanes. Then I notice all the dump-trucks, work-trucks, paint-trucks and other various vehicles that haul materials from one side of the metroplex to the other. There are quite a few of these. Finally I notice all the people in cars (including myself) who are driving alone. It's enough to drive anyone crazy.

    My epiphany occured because not more than thirty minutes earlier I was sitting at home watching Thomas the Train with my son. These fictional characters on the Island of Sodor have it figured out. This entire world, built around the concept of hard-working trains possessed with a soul, has an elaborate rail system. And from what I can tell, 90% of it is dedicated to halling "stuff" from one side of the island to the other. It's amazing! And the only four wheeled vehicle in site is a mass-transit bus. I'm telling you. Anyone in this town that can afford an automobile has got it lucky. They probably cruise around the island at 80 miles an hour. That's where I want to live. Forget about sitting in traffic forever, all my city needs is a Mayor like Sir Topham Hatt from Sodor Island.