So Valentines has come and gone once again. The roses have started to wilt and the chocolates have now turned to those unwanted extra pounds on your body. Like most, I love Valentines Day. So much so I was too busy getting busy with my woman to post about it on the actual day. But this morning I had a very troubling experience. You know who I'm talking about... that's right... Big Dirty.
This morning I was taking my garbage out the alley when I notice Big Dirty curled up on my back porch shivering in his sleep... or maybe it was a drunken stooper. He was wearing only a blue blazer, a pair of tighty-whities, and some pink bunny slippers.
I attempted to quietly step over him, hoping I could dump my trash and get back inside before he woke up. Unfortunately Big Dirty has the acute senses of a bald eagle and he stirred almost instantly. The following conversation followed.
Big Dirty: Of course I love you baby! (turns head from side to side groggy) Oh hey, CyberD.
Me: Oh, hey. I was just taking out my trash.
Big Dirty: That's cool... Sometimes you got to kick the chicks to the curb.
(He proceeds to cough uncontrollably as he stands up and dusts off his blazer, covered in all manner of unidentifiable grime).
Me: So what are you doing here?
Big Dirty: Me? Oh... you know, just hangin' out. You want to go do something?
Me: I'm kinda busy. Gotta go to work.
Big Dirty: That's cool, I'll just hang here until you're done. We can go grab an Old Milwaukie later.
Me: I thought you were spending time with your lady friend this weekend.
Big Dirty: Oh yeah, we totally partied last night, but I decided that she was gettin' too clingy, man. Big Dirty's got to roll free and unfettered, ya know.
Me: So you broke it off?
Big Dirty: Well not so much me as... er... um...
Me: Oh! Dude. Sorry man.
Big Dirty: Nah... that's okay. I got to keep it real and all.
Me: So what happened to your clothes?
Big Dirty: I had no idea how conniving high school girls can be.
Me: What?
Big Dirty: Well, I decided to hit the Valentines Dance down at the high school. Ya know how it is. So one minute I'm rockin' out with some hot babes and the next minute I'm tied to a tree with no pants.
Me: You know high school girls are underage right?
Big Dirty: And fucking thieves too!
Me: Well, okay... so I guess I'll talk to you later.
Big Dirty: Totally, man. Call me when you're ready to get that beer!
8 comments:
You forgot the part where I surprised your wife in the shower after you left for work. Good times...
So, you getting lucky tonight?
Never ever ever let Big Dirty be alone with your wife.
Me on the other hand...it's ok because we're old friends.
Q, I hadn't heard about that yet, but now you die!
Noreg, that's my middle name.
Gyuss, yeah... uhhh... wait a minute!
Haaaaaaaahaha! Your friends are as retarded as mine. Lucky us.
I am so glad that I can deduce from the comments that Q is "Big Dirty" I guess I should have known it from the "tighty whities" and the pink bunny slippers, but I'm not sure that I have ever heard you refer to him as such! This was too amusing!
Steph, we have so much in common. Maybe we should start a club!
Tera, If you liked that you should check out my new label: Big Dirty Stories. Some of my best work.
You've been tagged!
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