Big Dirty is a Pro!

It's not every day that you run into the most over-the-top personality in the Metroplex and I've managed to do so twice in one month. It was a rainy Saturday afternoon and my son and I were getting cabin-fever from being in the house all day. I decided that we needed an outing and the brand spakin' new Bass Pro Shop had just opened up on the other side of the lake from where I live. When we arrived at the sprawling Mecca for all things "outdoor-sie" I noticed a familiar figure standing in the middle of the entry-way. It was none other than Big Dirty! He was staring up at a giant wall covered in dear antlers. He saw me out of the corner of his eye and greeted me in typical Big Dirty fashion.

"Hell yeah," he said.

"We keep running into each other," I responded.

"That's what I'm talkin' about," he stated as he pointed over to the wall of antlers.

"What are you talking about?" I attempted to clarify.

"Hunting big game. I'm all about hunting big game." He grinned from ear to ear as he watched a young woman decked out in all flannel walk past. He pointed both hands (mimicking two six-guns) in her direction and whispered "pow-pow."

"Nice," I said sarcastically.

"I see you got your little man-child with you again."

"You mean my son?"

"Whatever, let's roll." He replied.

We walked into Bass Pro together. I had heard that this store had a giant fish tank so I was taking my son there to watch the employees feed the fish. Big Dirty happened to be going in the same direction and he just assumed we were following him.

"You know next time we roll, you gotta ditch the kid." he said

"Roll what?" I replied.

"Ya know... roll for chicks. This is the perfect place to meet hot ladies. But you gotta be free and unfettered. Hot babes don't want to think you're tied down."

"I'm married, dude."

"Whatever," he said dismissively, "just don't call me dude."

"I thought you were all about the hot moms," reminding him of our last encounter.

"Yeah, hot moms are overrated. Don't get me wrong... hot moms are awesome and all but this is where the real action is at."

"What action?" I asked as I attempted to keep one eye on my son (who at this point was completely distracted by the enormous fish floating around the tank) I was glad he was distracted because Big Dirty continued to throw down some pretty dirty language despite my insistence that he stop. I guess that's why they call him Big Dirty.

"I'm talkin' about the butch broads, man. They're all manly and stuff so you know they don't get much action. But underneath all that denim and flannel, they're just as awesome as the next lady."

"You don't say." I replied awkwardly.

"Totally. Like this one chick in my office. She throws down the mountain boots and baseball cap so you know her phone ain't ringin' off the hook. That's when Big Dirty swoops in."

"So you're now referring to yourself in the third person?" I asked.

"You gotta stay on your toes if you're gonna run in my posse. Anyway, my only real concern is her pony-tail. Does that mean she's a lesbian?"

I look out of the corner of my eye and my son is headed for the video game machine. It was lucky for me because I'd had enough with Big Dirty at that point. "Um, I gotta go."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Like being a lesbian ever stopped Bid Dirty from making his move."

I headed over to the video-games and watched my son press on the buttons as he is still too young to actually play the game. Big Dirty must of decided that we weren't finished with our conversation.

"So you guys want to go get some pizza?" he asked.

"Pizza is awesome!" my son chimed in.

Big Dirty looked down and smiled, giving my son the thumbs-up sign. "You said it, kid!"

I suppose if my son had to pick up a catch phrase from Big Dirty, the word awesome wasn't too bad.

"Okay, let's go get some pizza," I said reluctantly.

"Great, cause you know what's best about the pizza parlor, right? The Babes!"

I rolled my eyes... Maybe that's why they call him Big Dirty.