Dear Gary Coleman, Good day to you, good sir. My name is Alibaster K. Abthernabther. I am a best selling author, champion yacht racer, hot-air balloon enthusiast and fellow recreational adventurer.
Welcome to our fair city! I could not help but notice the local news reports declaring that you had been spotted near and around our Deep Ellum entertainment district, filming a motion picture wherein you apparently wrestle a gentleman dressed in a taco costume.
That is to say the gentleman you were wrestling was wearing a taco suit; not you, Gary Coleman. Perhaps you were both dressed as tacos? Really, I'm not too clear on who was dressed as what, though I am quite sure that at least one of you was in a taco disguise. Nevertheless! Do you think for one moment that I have forgotten about the Ancient Golden Monkey Femur of Khali-Ahhh? Well, rethink that, my friend. Your goons may have knocked me out and tried to erase my memory with 100 CCs of hydromydrophenelin, which may have worked on a lesser man. But I am constructed of mightier stuffs!
I remember it as clearly as if it were yesterday. Actually, I don't quite remember yesterday particularly well. I think I was doing whip-its behind a Dumpster yesterday. That's a "maybe," though.
However, last week I remember quite vividly. So I remember the events of Nov. 8, 1942, as vividly, if not more so. U.S. and British forces had just landed in French North Africa. It was mere coincidence that you and I would meet there, searching for the same prize.
The legend of the Ancient Golden Monkey Femur of Khali-Ahhh needs not be retold. It is as infamous as it is sexy, and as sexy as it is deadly. It's an infamously, deadly, sexy, legend. But it dare not be repeated.
Mere hours after our dinner with the prime minister of Oonk, as dusk begat twilight begat dawn, we were embroiled in fisticuffs atop a mountain peak, naked and slathered in baby oil. Possession of the precious Golden Monkey Femur would go to the victor. And we both know that you were the victor that night, Gary Coleman.
Mark these words, old chum: I will reclaim what is rightfully mine. Most likely by the time these very words meet your eye, the Ancient Golden Monkey Femur of Khali-Ahhh will once again be mine.
Yours,
Alibaster K. Abthernabther
11 comments:
I know some actors who are in that Gary Coleman movie. They left the set and told me, "If this movie can get funding, any pile of shit screenplay you come up with can get funding."
To which I responded, "That's too bad, because my screenplays aren't pile of shit ones."
omg, I needed that
I don't know which is funnier...the writing or his name!
pure golden genius. :-)
thanks for the tip.
psst, if you follow the link on his site to the quick site you get the coleman story.
http://www.quickdfw.com/sharedcontent/dws/quick/columnists/alibaster/stories//DN-pg5--alibastercolumn_16ick.ART.State.Edition1.4d976bc.html
(sorry, ~still~ haven't figured out how the heck to put a link in comments. thought i figured it out earlier today. turns out i still don't know. yet.)
Heather -
You can always make it tiny at tinyurl.com. Like this:
http://tinyurl.com/4swbxy
Cyber -
Do you take the rail or just the bus? I have not met any crazies on the bus, but they are all over the rail system. I'll share some stories sometime.
This is priceless.
thanks for the tip :-)
I take the rail and you aren't kidding about the crazies. They are rampant on the rail.
Hahaha,cool name! Sounds almost porn starish in it's wrongness.
Good sir,
Thank you for mentioning my weekly newspaper column on your personal web log.
I find no no greater joy than the joy produced by others taking joy in what you yourself enjoy, thusly creating an unbreakable circle of joy, or as I like to call it, a "joyrcle."
And that you enjoyed my writing so much that you decided to share its joyfulness with others, who in turn enjoyed it themselves and expressed feelings of joy in this comments section, brings me exponentially multiplied amounts of joyousness.
I am absolutely slathered in joy right now. Thank you again, sir.
Yours,
Alibaster K. Abthernabther
alibaster [dot] k [dot] abthernabther [at] gmail [dot] com
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