We're in spring cleaning mode here in cyber-space and that includes everything from the sign outside the door to behind the urinals in the men's room. What better time to roll-out the new and improved blog-space-header. Astute readers will note that we still tip our hat to all things "Who" while changing things up just enough to provide a fresh "jumping off point" for new visitors.
Never fear, you can still expect that same kind of genius wit and wisdom from The Wheel that you came to expect from Who Fan... only better.
So feel free to browse the stacks, or sample the new releases. Don't worry, that "pine fresh scent" does fade over time and shouldn't induce headaches for too long.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Friends
Making friends is more difficult than anyone is willing to admit. I was inspired to say something on friendship after reading a difficult story on my friend's blog.
My son is still too young to be concerned with the harsh reality of school but I think about the future! In a few years it will be important to him. I hope he is both lucky and naturally skilled in the art of friendship. I was not.
I firmly believe it takes both skill and luck to make good friendships. You can have the best of intentions but choosing friends is often random and entirely dependent upon who you first bump into... be it a next door neighbor, the kid sitting next to you in class, or the guy that stands next to you in gym because your last names start with the same letter. Additionally, you can bump into the perfect best-friend potential without even knowing, unless you take the time and energy to cultivate that chance meeting into something more.
I never really did a great job of making friends for the vast majority of my childhood. All through elementary my two best friends were a pair of brothers that lived down the street from me. They were 2 and 3 years older and we didn't cross paths much in school. My school friends were really more like school acquaintances and although I tried to bond with these kids nothing ever really stuck.
When I moved to another town at the tender age 13 I was very sad to be leaving my two best friends. Looking back I am certain that my lack of strong friendships from school made it all the more scary. However, I had high hopes that my luck would change.
I am happy to say that I did make some great friends but it didn't happen overnight. I got lucky with one of those friendships, having made it early in my move. I am forever grateful to that person for looking past the geeky kid in nike ankle-socks to see "me" underneath. But aside from this chance meeting, my two best guy-friends from high-school didn't come along for another two years. During those two years I had a few failures along the way. Three to be exact.
When I turned 15 it just happened. I began to question my ability to make friends but I happened to be in the right place at the right time and I made two great friendships the beginning of my sophomore year. Looking back I am glad that I "stayed the course" and continued to be myself. It took five damn years but my friendship circle was something I was very proud of.
But ever since then I have always been very suspect of meeting new people. I am still very slow to trust others. I also questioned my ability to "read" other people. I wondered if I was a good judge of character. But I took what I had learned and built on that skill. I made friends with a great bunch of guys in college. To this day, I am amazed by the strength and number of these friendships. But again, luck played no small part in how these guys came together.
Outside of office friendships - I was also lucky enough to land what I would describe as my last two "pre-parenting" friends. One through a mutual friend and one from graduate school. I cannot imagine not having them as friends today.
But as a thirty-something father and husband I look to the future with more concern for my son's prospects of friendship than my own. I am hopeful that one can teach their children the skills of friendship but I also believe that nothing beats being in the right place, at the right time.
Ultimately, I believe you must teach your children to be kind, be fun, and be true to what they know is right. There will be hardships along the way, only because children can be cruel to one another. But eventually your son or daughter will find that niche and they can be proud of the fact that they did not compromise their principles in an effort to make a fair-weather-friend.
My son is still too young to be concerned with the harsh reality of school but I think about the future! In a few years it will be important to him. I hope he is both lucky and naturally skilled in the art of friendship. I was not.
I firmly believe it takes both skill and luck to make good friendships. You can have the best of intentions but choosing friends is often random and entirely dependent upon who you first bump into... be it a next door neighbor, the kid sitting next to you in class, or the guy that stands next to you in gym because your last names start with the same letter. Additionally, you can bump into the perfect best-friend potential without even knowing, unless you take the time and energy to cultivate that chance meeting into something more.
I never really did a great job of making friends for the vast majority of my childhood. All through elementary my two best friends were a pair of brothers that lived down the street from me. They were 2 and 3 years older and we didn't cross paths much in school. My school friends were really more like school acquaintances and although I tried to bond with these kids nothing ever really stuck.
When I moved to another town at the tender age 13 I was very sad to be leaving my two best friends. Looking back I am certain that my lack of strong friendships from school made it all the more scary. However, I had high hopes that my luck would change.
I am happy to say that I did make some great friends but it didn't happen overnight. I got lucky with one of those friendships, having made it early in my move. I am forever grateful to that person for looking past the geeky kid in nike ankle-socks to see "me" underneath. But aside from this chance meeting, my two best guy-friends from high-school didn't come along for another two years. During those two years I had a few failures along the way. Three to be exact.
When I turned 15 it just happened. I began to question my ability to make friends but I happened to be in the right place at the right time and I made two great friendships the beginning of my sophomore year. Looking back I am glad that I "stayed the course" and continued to be myself. It took five damn years but my friendship circle was something I was very proud of.
But ever since then I have always been very suspect of meeting new people. I am still very slow to trust others. I also questioned my ability to "read" other people. I wondered if I was a good judge of character. But I took what I had learned and built on that skill. I made friends with a great bunch of guys in college. To this day, I am amazed by the strength and number of these friendships. But again, luck played no small part in how these guys came together.
Outside of office friendships - I was also lucky enough to land what I would describe as my last two "pre-parenting" friends. One through a mutual friend and one from graduate school. I cannot imagine not having them as friends today.
But as a thirty-something father and husband I look to the future with more concern for my son's prospects of friendship than my own. I am hopeful that one can teach their children the skills of friendship but I also believe that nothing beats being in the right place, at the right time.
Ultimately, I believe you must teach your children to be kind, be fun, and be true to what they know is right. There will be hardships along the way, only because children can be cruel to one another. But eventually your son or daughter will find that niche and they can be proud of the fact that they did not compromise their principles in an effort to make a fair-weather-friend.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
To move or not to move...
So long story short: I may have an opportunity to move my family to another city. I don't know how I feel about it. The (larger) area where I live now has been my home for the last 14 years (minus 1 year in the middle). Like most, I am a creature of habit. So change (while sometimes good) makes me very nervous. I've grow accustomed to the environment around me (including the negative stuff). But I tend to focus on the positive things and I think about how I will be without those things. Particular friends mostly but other familiar comforts also spring to mind.
A wise person told me that most of what I would be losing (in a move) is replaceable and I should focus on the non-replaceable things when making a decision like this. Still, it is very difficult.
I am finding that my decision is being swayed largely by these (arguably) less important issues. I still don't know if a move is even possible at this time but it will rapidly become clear in the next 2 weeks... most likely.
I don't really have much more to say on the issue... nothing profound really... if I had a super enlightening comment to make I'd probably not even be posting these thoughts because I would already have everything worked out.
And for those out there that worry my identity may be in question with a certain current employer... don't worry. It isn't... and if it is... I really don't care anymore.
A wise person told me that most of what I would be losing (in a move) is replaceable and I should focus on the non-replaceable things when making a decision like this. Still, it is very difficult.
I am finding that my decision is being swayed largely by these (arguably) less important issues. I still don't know if a move is even possible at this time but it will rapidly become clear in the next 2 weeks... most likely.
I don't really have much more to say on the issue... nothing profound really... if I had a super enlightening comment to make I'd probably not even be posting these thoughts because I would already have everything worked out.
And for those out there that worry my identity may be in question with a certain current employer... don't worry. It isn't... and if it is... I really don't care anymore.
Friday, May 19, 2006
Battle Royale - Round 6 Results - The Championship
1) Li Mu Bai VS. 4) Gozer the Gozarian
One might think this final battle comes down to an intricate analysis of strengths, weaknesses, special powers, and other intangibles. One would be wrong. Both The Wudan Master and the Gozarian have strolled through this tournament as if destiny itself were inextricably drawing the two forces together. Li Mu Bai faced each opponent with a stoic and centered nerve that even the most stalwart of warriors would find impressive. Gozer used its most special power to strike fear into the heart of each opponent before using its equally formidable offensive power. It may come as a shock to most fans of the Ghostbusters that each of Gozer's opponents appeared not as what they wanted to see, but as what they feared most. In every case the cause may have been different but the result the same. Some opponents understood the opportunity to choose the form of the oppressor, only they did not have the strength of will to think of anything but their deepest fears. Others did not understand the choice placed before them and lost the opportunity to face a less imposing form. In every case their subconscious betrayed them before they knew what had happened. This was not the case with Master Li Mu Bai. Gozer offered up its gift of choice and Li Mu Bai understood the opportunity set before him. The Wudan master cleared his mind and found his inner stillness. Unlike any other combatant in the tournament Master Li Mu Bai managed to "think of nothing." The Gozarian hissed with anger before drifting out of existence in a wisp of paranormal smoke.
WINNER: Master Li Mu Bai
Looking back now it may not come as a shock that this seasoned warrior would end victorious. I myself had no idea until the final two that Li Mu Bai would emerge the champion. However, few can argue his depth of power, ability, and experience. In retrospect I seriously doubt that a difference in seeding would change the outcome. Master Li Mu Bai truly is the most powerful of all science fiction and fantasy characters!
I'd like to thank all those who took the time to view this little tournament of champions. I'll be taking a short break from the fiction in order to post a few standard fare thoughts but will return shortly with a top 25 list you will not want to miss.
One might think this final battle comes down to an intricate analysis of strengths, weaknesses, special powers, and other intangibles. One would be wrong. Both The Wudan Master and the Gozarian have strolled through this tournament as if destiny itself were inextricably drawing the two forces together. Li Mu Bai faced each opponent with a stoic and centered nerve that even the most stalwart of warriors would find impressive. Gozer used its most special power to strike fear into the heart of each opponent before using its equally formidable offensive power. It may come as a shock to most fans of the Ghostbusters that each of Gozer's opponents appeared not as what they wanted to see, but as what they feared most. In every case the cause may have been different but the result the same. Some opponents understood the opportunity to choose the form of the oppressor, only they did not have the strength of will to think of anything but their deepest fears. Others did not understand the choice placed before them and lost the opportunity to face a less imposing form. In every case their subconscious betrayed them before they knew what had happened. This was not the case with Master Li Mu Bai. Gozer offered up its gift of choice and Li Mu Bai understood the opportunity set before him. The Wudan master cleared his mind and found his inner stillness. Unlike any other combatant in the tournament Master Li Mu Bai managed to "think of nothing." The Gozarian hissed with anger before drifting out of existence in a wisp of paranormal smoke.
WINNER: Master Li Mu Bai
Looking back now it may not come as a shock that this seasoned warrior would end victorious. I myself had no idea until the final two that Li Mu Bai would emerge the champion. However, few can argue his depth of power, ability, and experience. In retrospect I seriously doubt that a difference in seeding would change the outcome. Master Li Mu Bai truly is the most powerful of all science fiction and fantasy characters!
I'd like to thank all those who took the time to view this little tournament of champions. I'll be taking a short break from the fiction in order to post a few standard fare thoughts but will return shortly with a top 25 list you will not want to miss.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Battle Royale - Round 5 Results - Final Four
1) Darth Vader VS. 4) Gozer the Gozarian
There is almost nothing in the universe that Lord Vader fears. The Sith Lord fears not death, he has suffered far too much for this to concern him. He fears not his children, nor does he fear his master. But Gozer can see into the deepest and darkest corners of the mind. Peeling back the layers of his mind the Gozarian drew upon the one image that plagues the mighty Sith Lord. Darth Vader advanced with purpose on the beast, knowing full well that it was nothing more than a glorified monster. The creature would fall by his hand. However, what emerged from the shadows caused the Sith Lord to stop dead in his tracks. It was no ghastly alien beast. It was the beaten and bloody corpse of his own mother, Shmi that stood before him. Vader stared upon the ghostly form in shock and in that split second Gozer struck. It raised out it's arms in a form of loving embrace only to cast forth a surge of powerful paranormal energy. The deadly bolts surged through Vader's armor, magnifying the charge and blowing out the cyborgs circuitry. Vader's life-support systems instantly failed and he fell to the ground. Gozer continued to plow more energy through the fallen jedi until his very eye sockets burned with the stench of death. WINNER: Gozer the Gozarian
1) Master Li Mu Bai VS. 2) Evil Willow Rosenburg
While Master Li Mu Bai is known as a stoic and focused warrior he can also be very "chatty" when it suits his purpose. He taunted Buffy in order to uncover her weakness of doubt and he had every intention of doing the same to her friend Willow. He engaged the dark witch in a verbal duel, attempting to learn what weakness he could exploit. Evil Willow was uninterested in the verbal sparing but she revealed enough for the Wudan master to make a quick decision. Li Mu Bai now understood that Evil Willow was nothing more than little girl consumed by sadness and loss. She was an empty shell of her former self fueled by dark magic that dictated her every thought. The Wudan master took a terrible risk by reaching out in a gesture of love. Li Mu Bai told Willow that people cared for her no matter what her actions. He appealed to the Willow inside. The shell of the human that remained, trapped by the despair of dark magic. And in a moment of clarity, the innocent girl was brought back from the brink, just as her dear friend Xander had done. Willow voluntarily forfeit the battle. WINNER: Li Mu Bai
There is almost nothing in the universe that Lord Vader fears. The Sith Lord fears not death, he has suffered far too much for this to concern him. He fears not his children, nor does he fear his master. But Gozer can see into the deepest and darkest corners of the mind. Peeling back the layers of his mind the Gozarian drew upon the one image that plagues the mighty Sith Lord. Darth Vader advanced with purpose on the beast, knowing full well that it was nothing more than a glorified monster. The creature would fall by his hand. However, what emerged from the shadows caused the Sith Lord to stop dead in his tracks. It was no ghastly alien beast. It was the beaten and bloody corpse of his own mother, Shmi that stood before him. Vader stared upon the ghostly form in shock and in that split second Gozer struck. It raised out it's arms in a form of loving embrace only to cast forth a surge of powerful paranormal energy. The deadly bolts surged through Vader's armor, magnifying the charge and blowing out the cyborgs circuitry. Vader's life-support systems instantly failed and he fell to the ground. Gozer continued to plow more energy through the fallen jedi until his very eye sockets burned with the stench of death. WINNER: Gozer the Gozarian
1) Master Li Mu Bai VS. 2) Evil Willow Rosenburg
While Master Li Mu Bai is known as a stoic and focused warrior he can also be very "chatty" when it suits his purpose. He taunted Buffy in order to uncover her weakness of doubt and he had every intention of doing the same to her friend Willow. He engaged the dark witch in a verbal duel, attempting to learn what weakness he could exploit. Evil Willow was uninterested in the verbal sparing but she revealed enough for the Wudan master to make a quick decision. Li Mu Bai now understood that Evil Willow was nothing more than little girl consumed by sadness and loss. She was an empty shell of her former self fueled by dark magic that dictated her every thought. The Wudan master took a terrible risk by reaching out in a gesture of love. Li Mu Bai told Willow that people cared for her no matter what her actions. He appealed to the Willow inside. The shell of the human that remained, trapped by the despair of dark magic. And in a moment of clarity, the innocent girl was brought back from the brink, just as her dear friend Xander had done. Willow voluntarily forfeit the battle. WINNER: Li Mu Bai
Friday, May 12, 2006
Battle Royale - Round 4 Results - Elite Eight
Robots and Cyborgs
1)Darth Vader VS. 2)Borg Queen
Even away from her hive ship, the Borg Queen is a formidable adversary. The Queen knows that in a direct confrontation she could never stand up to the powers of the Sith Lord. Instead she taps into the Death Star mainframe and begins to assimilate the space station's operational computer. She turns the very battleground against Lord Vader. Every hatch-way, security probe, level-riser, and defense system is used against him. Vader is forced down treacherous corridors and bombarded with laser fire as the Queen attempts to position herself in such a way as to surprise Vader. But the Sith Lord draws upon his massive force powers, keeping his senses acutely tuned to the next threat. With lightsaber in hand he deflects the onslaught of security probes, he cleaves air-locks in half as they attempt to crush him, and he springs from danger as the very ground is pulled from beneath him. Perhaps if the Borg Queen were strictly a robot, she could have surprised Vader. But like he, she is a cyborg - part-machine and part living. As such, Vader senses the force within her and he strikes out at the darkened corner from which she hid. The two halves of her severed body fall harmlessly to the ground. All too easy. WINNER: Darth Vader
Monsters
4)Gozer the Gozarian VS. 7)The Predator
Does the Predator harbor any fears? Could a creature born and bred to do combat for sport suffer from such weakness? Perhaps the little baby predators never need a bed-time story when they are scared at night. But maybe there are legends amongst the Predator race. Legends of an ancient evil that cannot be stopped. Perhaps their entire society is built upon the fear of some great force that is more formidable than any other living creature. A force that constantly keeps the Predator motivated to strive for warrior perfection. A motivation fueled by fear. Yes... the great hunter becomes the hunted by his worst nightmare. WINNER: Gozer the Gozarian
Sorcerers and Scientists
1)The Emperor VS. 2)Evil Willow Rosenburg
The Emperor is not amused by this young girl. He has defeated Jedi Knights, taken down an entire Republic, and controlled the minds of thousands with little to no effort. But Willow's ancient witchcraft cares not for the powers of the force. The energy coursing through her veins is pure, undiluted, black magic. A dark magic potent enough to tear the fabric of space and unleash Armageddon on earth. Palpatine attempted mind control but Willow's mind was a vast chaotic chasm with nothing to grasp. The Emperor ripped himself from the mental void and reeled backwards. Willow in turn bombarded the Sith Lord with a barrage of hexes and curses sending one shock-wave after another through his frail body. The Emperor attempted to unleash his force lightning but, Willow absorbed the energy effortlessly as if she siphoned the power deliberately. Exhausted and defeated Palpatine could do nothing as she cast a final hex that liquefied his brain. WINNER: Evil Willow Rosenburg
Warriors
1)Master Li Mu Bai VS. 2)Luke Skywalker
Both warriors have walked effortlessly through the early rounds of this tournament. Both men bring formidable powers to the combat and they use every ounce of these powers in facing each other. With the force as Luke's ally, he is able to do what others could not, that being making first contact with the Wudan master, slashing a large gash on his sword arm. However, the great Li Mu Bai does not allow this to break his concentration. Luke is young and impatient. Even as a jedi he is subject to fits of anger and while tapping into the dark side of the force has helped this Jedi Knight in the past, it will serve no purpose against Master Li Mu Bai. The Wudan warrior waits for Luke to make mistakes and it is then that he lashes out with the Green Destiny. Luke begins to feel the frustration of battle as each passing moment only offers him another wound at the hands of his opponent. Tuned to every tiny detail, Li Mu Bai watches Luke as if the Jedi moved in slow motion. The Wudan master makes every move count, turning the slightest twitch into a devestating attack. It was as if Luke's weakening state feed strength into Li Mu Bai. It was now only a matter of time. WINNER: Master Li Mu Bai
Next: Round 5 Results - The Final Four
1)Darth Vader VS. 2)Borg Queen
Even away from her hive ship, the Borg Queen is a formidable adversary. The Queen knows that in a direct confrontation she could never stand up to the powers of the Sith Lord. Instead she taps into the Death Star mainframe and begins to assimilate the space station's operational computer. She turns the very battleground against Lord Vader. Every hatch-way, security probe, level-riser, and defense system is used against him. Vader is forced down treacherous corridors and bombarded with laser fire as the Queen attempts to position herself in such a way as to surprise Vader. But the Sith Lord draws upon his massive force powers, keeping his senses acutely tuned to the next threat. With lightsaber in hand he deflects the onslaught of security probes, he cleaves air-locks in half as they attempt to crush him, and he springs from danger as the very ground is pulled from beneath him. Perhaps if the Borg Queen were strictly a robot, she could have surprised Vader. But like he, she is a cyborg - part-machine and part living. As such, Vader senses the force within her and he strikes out at the darkened corner from which she hid. The two halves of her severed body fall harmlessly to the ground. All too easy. WINNER: Darth Vader
Monsters
4)Gozer the Gozarian VS. 7)The Predator
Does the Predator harbor any fears? Could a creature born and bred to do combat for sport suffer from such weakness? Perhaps the little baby predators never need a bed-time story when they are scared at night. But maybe there are legends amongst the Predator race. Legends of an ancient evil that cannot be stopped. Perhaps their entire society is built upon the fear of some great force that is more formidable than any other living creature. A force that constantly keeps the Predator motivated to strive for warrior perfection. A motivation fueled by fear. Yes... the great hunter becomes the hunted by his worst nightmare. WINNER: Gozer the Gozarian
Sorcerers and Scientists
1)The Emperor VS. 2)Evil Willow Rosenburg
The Emperor is not amused by this young girl. He has defeated Jedi Knights, taken down an entire Republic, and controlled the minds of thousands with little to no effort. But Willow's ancient witchcraft cares not for the powers of the force. The energy coursing through her veins is pure, undiluted, black magic. A dark magic potent enough to tear the fabric of space and unleash Armageddon on earth. Palpatine attempted mind control but Willow's mind was a vast chaotic chasm with nothing to grasp. The Emperor ripped himself from the mental void and reeled backwards. Willow in turn bombarded the Sith Lord with a barrage of hexes and curses sending one shock-wave after another through his frail body. The Emperor attempted to unleash his force lightning but, Willow absorbed the energy effortlessly as if she siphoned the power deliberately. Exhausted and defeated Palpatine could do nothing as she cast a final hex that liquefied his brain. WINNER: Evil Willow Rosenburg
Warriors
1)Master Li Mu Bai VS. 2)Luke Skywalker
Both warriors have walked effortlessly through the early rounds of this tournament. Both men bring formidable powers to the combat and they use every ounce of these powers in facing each other. With the force as Luke's ally, he is able to do what others could not, that being making first contact with the Wudan master, slashing a large gash on his sword arm. However, the great Li Mu Bai does not allow this to break his concentration. Luke is young and impatient. Even as a jedi he is subject to fits of anger and while tapping into the dark side of the force has helped this Jedi Knight in the past, it will serve no purpose against Master Li Mu Bai. The Wudan warrior waits for Luke to make mistakes and it is then that he lashes out with the Green Destiny. Luke begins to feel the frustration of battle as each passing moment only offers him another wound at the hands of his opponent. Tuned to every tiny detail, Li Mu Bai watches Luke as if the Jedi moved in slow motion. The Wudan master makes every move count, turning the slightest twitch into a devestating attack. It was as if Luke's weakening state feed strength into Li Mu Bai. It was now only a matter of time. WINNER: Master Li Mu Bai
Next: Round 5 Results - The Final Four
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Battle Royale - Round 3 Results - Sweet Sixteen
The Sweet Sixteen. The competition has become serious now with only 4 entrants from each bracket. There have been some land-slide victories and some major upsets. We have had some epic battles as well as a few laughable moments. At this point in the competition I would like take a moment to say thank you for all visitors who have given this little tournament a glance. I welcome any and all to weigh in on this little project. It's not over yet... in fact the best is still ahead!
Robots and Cyborgs
1)Darth Vader VS. 5)The Terminator
Lord Vader and the Terminator were both able to withstand a tremendous amount of punishment from each other. Vader's armor was peppered with the Terminator's gunfire, and the Terminator's external coverings had been almost completely sheered from its metal frame by Vader's lightsaber. In the end both combatants were pounding on each other with their fists. If not for the power of the dark side of the force, Vader would have surely lost to the unstoppable machine. Eventually Vader managed a final desperate attack. He drove his fist into the very heart of the Terminator's central core and ripped the power-source from its chest. Even in death, the Terminator grasped at the Sith Lord, still attempting to salvage victory. WINNER: Darth Vader
2)Borg Queen VS. 3)Agent Smith
With Agent Smith's new found ability to download himself into the physical body of others, he enters the Borg Queen's lair almost completely neutered of his power. He is separated from the Matrix and unable to bend the very laws of nature which made him such a formidable opponent thus far. The Borg Queen assimilates Agent Smith and the host body he resides in. Resistance is futile. WINNER: Borg Queen
Monsters
1)The Lord of Darkness VS. 4)Gozer the Gozarian
The Lord of Darkness is a powerful being shrouded in mystery. One little known reason for his subterfuge is how fear drives his very existence. This awesome demon lord is fearful of being powerless, fearful of being alone, and most of all fearful of the very light itself that helps to cast the bright sobering attention on his very obvious homo-erotic behavior. This Lord of Darkness had lost this battle before it even began. Gozer steps into the ring as a massive glowing body of bright energy causing the Lord of Darkness to fall to his knees and submit. Surprisingly Gozer looks a great deal like Liberace. WINNER: Gozer the Gozarian
6)Dracula VS. 7)The Predator
Returning from his epic battle in the sands of Egypt, Dracula anticipated an easy victory on home-turf. But the Predator has spent his entire life in hostile environments, fighting against superior numbers. The Predator attempted to turn the Count's massive castle against him. They played a cat and mouse game for several hours. Both used hit and run tactics, engaging each other in lethal combat for only seconds before vanishing again. Both suffered massive wounds throughout the combat until neither were able to conceal themselves from the other. By the end they clawed at each other in as brutal a hand-to-hand combat as this competition has ever seen. Ultimately it was the Predator's armor that saved him from Dracula's fangs, giving him a slight advantage. The hunter needed every minute of the battle to finally determine the vampires weakness... silver. Dracula never thought he would be killed with one of his own candlesticks. WINNER: The Predator
Sorcerers and Scientists
1)The Emperor VS. 5)The Master
The Master is at his best when using subversive tactics and schemes to weave a tangled strategic web. The Master's two most directly offensive tactics are his powers of hypnosis and his weapon - the tissue compression eliminator. The Emperor made short work of the Time-Lord's pistol, tossing it effortlessly down an air-shaft. The Master then attempted mind-control but he quickly learned his ability to manipulate the Sith Lord was like casting a pebble into a vast ocean. Palpy, returned the gesture by killing the Master very slowly. Asphyxiation. WINNER: Emperor Palpatine
2)Evil Willow Rosenburg VS. 3)Gandalf
It is possible that Gandalf has never faced as powerful a wizard as Evil Willow. Having absorbed the accumulated black magic from thousands of magic-users across multiple centuries, Willow is capable of harnessing the most devastating of forces while at the same time withstanding the most potent enchantments cast in her direction. It is possible that Gandalf has never faced a foe with a reservoir of power that vast. The White Wizard's magic did not remain effective very long. Willow only suffered minor injuries before imprisoning the old man in an ancient holding spell before crushing his spine under the weight of the magic. WINNER: Evil Willow Rosenburg
Warriors
1)Master Li Mu Bai VS. 5)Buffy Summers
Buffy is stronger, tougher, and equally adept in the field of martial arts. But the great Wudan Master knows better than anyone that victory is not always about ability. In many cases it is about focus and patience. Buffy has demonstrated (on countless occasions) her penchant for emotional mood-swings and easy distractions. Li Mu Bai takes his time, side-stepping the Chosen One's every attack. Before long Buffy is exhausted and the Wudan master is still unharmed. It is then that he begins to taunt the young girl, questioning her abilities, seeding her thoughts with fear and doubt. Buffy's frustration mounts and she becomes sloppy. The Wudan master needs only a paper-thin window for the Green Destiny to get past her defenses. She gives that and more. WINNER: Li Mu Bai
2)Luke Skywalker VS. 14)Aeryn Sun
It is a testament to this former Peacekeeper that she has made it this far in the competition but everyone has their limits. Luke effortlessly advances on Aeryn, blocking each blast from her pulse rifle with great ease. Once in close he ignites his lightsaber and moves in for the kill. Aeryn makes on last ditch effort to disarm the Jedi Knight, but Luke's powers over the force are too great. Sensing her strategy, he deftly avoids being grappled and sidesteps her attack before making short work of the warrior woman. WINNER: Luke Skywalker
Robots and Cyborgs
1)Darth Vader VS. 5)The Terminator
Lord Vader and the Terminator were both able to withstand a tremendous amount of punishment from each other. Vader's armor was peppered with the Terminator's gunfire, and the Terminator's external coverings had been almost completely sheered from its metal frame by Vader's lightsaber. In the end both combatants were pounding on each other with their fists. If not for the power of the dark side of the force, Vader would have surely lost to the unstoppable machine. Eventually Vader managed a final desperate attack. He drove his fist into the very heart of the Terminator's central core and ripped the power-source from its chest. Even in death, the Terminator grasped at the Sith Lord, still attempting to salvage victory. WINNER: Darth Vader
2)Borg Queen VS. 3)Agent Smith
With Agent Smith's new found ability to download himself into the physical body of others, he enters the Borg Queen's lair almost completely neutered of his power. He is separated from the Matrix and unable to bend the very laws of nature which made him such a formidable opponent thus far. The Borg Queen assimilates Agent Smith and the host body he resides in. Resistance is futile. WINNER: Borg Queen
Monsters
1)The Lord of Darkness VS. 4)Gozer the Gozarian
The Lord of Darkness is a powerful being shrouded in mystery. One little known reason for his subterfuge is how fear drives his very existence. This awesome demon lord is fearful of being powerless, fearful of being alone, and most of all fearful of the very light itself that helps to cast the bright sobering attention on his very obvious homo-erotic behavior. This Lord of Darkness had lost this battle before it even began. Gozer steps into the ring as a massive glowing body of bright energy causing the Lord of Darkness to fall to his knees and submit. Surprisingly Gozer looks a great deal like Liberace. WINNER: Gozer the Gozarian
6)Dracula VS. 7)The Predator
Returning from his epic battle in the sands of Egypt, Dracula anticipated an easy victory on home-turf. But the Predator has spent his entire life in hostile environments, fighting against superior numbers. The Predator attempted to turn the Count's massive castle against him. They played a cat and mouse game for several hours. Both used hit and run tactics, engaging each other in lethal combat for only seconds before vanishing again. Both suffered massive wounds throughout the combat until neither were able to conceal themselves from the other. By the end they clawed at each other in as brutal a hand-to-hand combat as this competition has ever seen. Ultimately it was the Predator's armor that saved him from Dracula's fangs, giving him a slight advantage. The hunter needed every minute of the battle to finally determine the vampires weakness... silver. Dracula never thought he would be killed with one of his own candlesticks. WINNER: The Predator
Sorcerers and Scientists
1)The Emperor VS. 5)The Master
The Master is at his best when using subversive tactics and schemes to weave a tangled strategic web. The Master's two most directly offensive tactics are his powers of hypnosis and his weapon - the tissue compression eliminator. The Emperor made short work of the Time-Lord's pistol, tossing it effortlessly down an air-shaft. The Master then attempted mind-control but he quickly learned his ability to manipulate the Sith Lord was like casting a pebble into a vast ocean. Palpy, returned the gesture by killing the Master very slowly. Asphyxiation. WINNER: Emperor Palpatine
2)Evil Willow Rosenburg VS. 3)Gandalf
It is possible that Gandalf has never faced as powerful a wizard as Evil Willow. Having absorbed the accumulated black magic from thousands of magic-users across multiple centuries, Willow is capable of harnessing the most devastating of forces while at the same time withstanding the most potent enchantments cast in her direction. It is possible that Gandalf has never faced a foe with a reservoir of power that vast. The White Wizard's magic did not remain effective very long. Willow only suffered minor injuries before imprisoning the old man in an ancient holding spell before crushing his spine under the weight of the magic. WINNER: Evil Willow Rosenburg
Warriors
1)Master Li Mu Bai VS. 5)Buffy Summers
Buffy is stronger, tougher, and equally adept in the field of martial arts. But the great Wudan Master knows better than anyone that victory is not always about ability. In many cases it is about focus and patience. Buffy has demonstrated (on countless occasions) her penchant for emotional mood-swings and easy distractions. Li Mu Bai takes his time, side-stepping the Chosen One's every attack. Before long Buffy is exhausted and the Wudan master is still unharmed. It is then that he begins to taunt the young girl, questioning her abilities, seeding her thoughts with fear and doubt. Buffy's frustration mounts and she becomes sloppy. The Wudan master needs only a paper-thin window for the Green Destiny to get past her defenses. She gives that and more. WINNER: Li Mu Bai
2)Luke Skywalker VS. 14)Aeryn Sun
It is a testament to this former Peacekeeper that she has made it this far in the competition but everyone has their limits. Luke effortlessly advances on Aeryn, blocking each blast from her pulse rifle with great ease. Once in close he ignites his lightsaber and moves in for the kill. Aeryn makes on last ditch effort to disarm the Jedi Knight, but Luke's powers over the force are too great. Sensing her strategy, he deftly avoids being grappled and sidesteps her attack before making short work of the warrior woman. WINNER: Luke Skywalker
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Battle Royale - Round 2 Results
Robots and Cyborgs
1)Darth Vader VS. 8)Data
Vader moved in decisively but Data had recently rented Revenge of the Sith, he knew to get to higher ground and he got there quickly. It was surely the end for Vader, only the Sith Lord had learned from his mistakes long ago. One quick toss of his lightsaber and the android from Starfleet was without a central cortex. WINNER: Darth Vader
4)Pris VS. 5)Terminator
Pris made for the machine like every other man. Slinking her way with all her feminine sexuality. The Terminator only flinched his pointer finger, while squeezing off three rounds from a sub-machine gun. WINNER: The Terminator
3)Agent Smith VS. 11)K-9
Dropped into the Matrix, K-9 instantly analyzed his surroundings. Having been downloaded into the Matrix K-9 attempted to download as much programming as possible in order to combat Agent Smith, but in so doing he overloaded his programming. Smith made short work of the burned out pooch. WINNER: Agent Smith
2)Borg Queen VS. 7)Robocop
Robocop laid a few rounds into the Borg Queen before she adapted and developed shielding for his gunfire. It didn't take but a few minutes for the Queen to insert her nano-probes. WINNER: Borg Queen
Monsters
1)The Lord of Darkness VS. 9)Edgar
Edgar quickly moved to strike the great beast but The Dark Lord was tougher then he looked and he repelled the giant bug's attack. It took some time for the slow-moving demon to strike Edgar but eventually his massive broadsword found its mark. WINNER: The Lord of Darkness
4)Gozer VS. 5)The Indescribable Monster
The Indescribable Monster didn't understand Gozer's strange incantation until it was too late. The beasts biggest fear came to life in the form of Francis Ford Coppola. That's right. Nothing terrifies the mighty monster of the movie Krull than a legitimate movie director whose actually produced films worth watching. Gozer (in the form of Coppola) eviscerated the lame movie monster with one swipe of his script-writing-sword-pen. WINNER: Gozer the Gozarian
3)The Mummy VS. 6)Dracula
The Mummy was capable of taking down the ancient vampire but (like with Barbossa) chose to toy with the undead beast. Dracula brought a considerable amount of his own magic to the battle (unlike Barbossa). Dracula first froze the ancient beast before ripping it to shreds with his claws and fangs. WINNER: Dracula
2)Alien Queen VS. 7)The Predator
With acid resistant armor and weapons, the Predator was the best suited combatant to go head-to-head with the Alien Queen. But head-to-head isn't this warrior's style. He used camouflage technology and long-range weaponry to his advantage. The Queen was tough but eventually the barrage of plasma blasts and laser fire were too much to take. By the time she even found the hunter, she had already lost. WINNER: The Predator
Scorcers and Scientists
1)The Emperor VS. 8)Doctor Who
The Doctor has faced all manner of villain. From armies of murderous robots, to mad-scientists, to Lucifer himself. But the dark-side of the force is an entirely different matter and the Emperor doesn't fool around with pleasantries. The Emperor senses The Doctor's abilities and he goes for the kill immediately. The Doctor falls in a storm of electrical energy. WINNER: Emperor Palpatine
4)Saruman VS. 5)The Master
Saruman attempts to cripple the Master with his mind control but the Time-Lord is as powerful in psychic combat as the great wizard, if not more powerful. Instead of taking control over the Master, Saruman kneels before the power of his mind. There is a reason they call him The Master. WINNER: The Master
3)Gandalf VS. 11)Bavmorda
Both wizards cast powerful magic at each other. While Bavmorda used her powers of mutation, Gandalf focused on more directly offensive spells, causing significant damage to the witch. Gandalf struggled to resist the magical mutation but he was successful. Bavmorda was not so successful resisting massive fire-balls hurled in her direction. WINNER: Gandalf
2)Evil Willow Rosenburg VS. 7)Scorpius
Scorpius is an accomplished scientist and warrior but was no match for the direct assault of magical forces that Willow held in her command. Scorpius didn't even have a chance to make a single attack before Willow cast an incantation that burned out his central brain-stem. WINNER: Evil Willow Rosenburg
1)Master Li Mu Bai VS. 9)Hercules
Even a demi-god has his limitations. Being able to battle master-swordsmen with nothing more than a tree-branch is child's play to the Wudan warrior. Finding the weak-spot of Hercules was easy enough. With the Green Destiny at his side Master Li Mu Bai battled Hercules into submission, leaving the Greek hero defeated and shamed. WINNER: Li Mu Bai
4)Neo VS. 5)Buffy Summers
The battle of the Chosen Ones. Even in the matrix Buffy is a Chosen One and brings all her powers and abilities to bare. Neo underestimates the beautiful warrior and doesn't see the death blow coming. Boot to the head! WINNER: Buffy Summers
6)The Highlander VS. 14)Aeryn Sun
Aeryn lands several shots from her pulse pistol at long range before she realized that The Highlander wasn't that easy to put down. Luckily Aeryn is as proficient with a combat knife as she is with ballistic weapons. She matches the immortals attacks blow for blow. All appears lost for the former peacekeeper if not for the Highlander's penchant for smoldering stares at the exact wrong moment. Aeryn gets lucky with a decapitating strike. WINNER: Aeryn Sun
2)Luke Skywalker VS. 7)Conan
Both warriors have defeated the two coolest James Earl Jones characters of all time so this battle came down to the accessories. Lightsabers beat broadswords. WINNER: Luke Skywalker
1)Darth Vader VS. 8)Data
Vader moved in decisively but Data had recently rented Revenge of the Sith, he knew to get to higher ground and he got there quickly. It was surely the end for Vader, only the Sith Lord had learned from his mistakes long ago. One quick toss of his lightsaber and the android from Starfleet was without a central cortex. WINNER: Darth Vader
4)Pris VS. 5)Terminator
Pris made for the machine like every other man. Slinking her way with all her feminine sexuality. The Terminator only flinched his pointer finger, while squeezing off three rounds from a sub-machine gun. WINNER: The Terminator
3)Agent Smith VS. 11)K-9
Dropped into the Matrix, K-9 instantly analyzed his surroundings. Having been downloaded into the Matrix K-9 attempted to download as much programming as possible in order to combat Agent Smith, but in so doing he overloaded his programming. Smith made short work of the burned out pooch. WINNER: Agent Smith
2)Borg Queen VS. 7)Robocop
Robocop laid a few rounds into the Borg Queen before she adapted and developed shielding for his gunfire. It didn't take but a few minutes for the Queen to insert her nano-probes. WINNER: Borg Queen
Monsters
1)The Lord of Darkness VS. 9)Edgar
Edgar quickly moved to strike the great beast but The Dark Lord was tougher then he looked and he repelled the giant bug's attack. It took some time for the slow-moving demon to strike Edgar but eventually his massive broadsword found its mark. WINNER: The Lord of Darkness
4)Gozer VS. 5)The Indescribable Monster
The Indescribable Monster didn't understand Gozer's strange incantation until it was too late. The beasts biggest fear came to life in the form of Francis Ford Coppola. That's right. Nothing terrifies the mighty monster of the movie Krull than a legitimate movie director whose actually produced films worth watching. Gozer (in the form of Coppola) eviscerated the lame movie monster with one swipe of his script-writing-sword-pen. WINNER: Gozer the Gozarian
3)The Mummy VS. 6)Dracula
The Mummy was capable of taking down the ancient vampire but (like with Barbossa) chose to toy with the undead beast. Dracula brought a considerable amount of his own magic to the battle (unlike Barbossa). Dracula first froze the ancient beast before ripping it to shreds with his claws and fangs. WINNER: Dracula
2)Alien Queen VS. 7)The Predator
With acid resistant armor and weapons, the Predator was the best suited combatant to go head-to-head with the Alien Queen. But head-to-head isn't this warrior's style. He used camouflage technology and long-range weaponry to his advantage. The Queen was tough but eventually the barrage of plasma blasts and laser fire were too much to take. By the time she even found the hunter, she had already lost. WINNER: The Predator
Scorcers and Scientists
1)The Emperor VS. 8)Doctor Who
The Doctor has faced all manner of villain. From armies of murderous robots, to mad-scientists, to Lucifer himself. But the dark-side of the force is an entirely different matter and the Emperor doesn't fool around with pleasantries. The Emperor senses The Doctor's abilities and he goes for the kill immediately. The Doctor falls in a storm of electrical energy. WINNER: Emperor Palpatine
4)Saruman VS. 5)The Master
Saruman attempts to cripple the Master with his mind control but the Time-Lord is as powerful in psychic combat as the great wizard, if not more powerful. Instead of taking control over the Master, Saruman kneels before the power of his mind. There is a reason they call him The Master. WINNER: The Master
3)Gandalf VS. 11)Bavmorda
Both wizards cast powerful magic at each other. While Bavmorda used her powers of mutation, Gandalf focused on more directly offensive spells, causing significant damage to the witch. Gandalf struggled to resist the magical mutation but he was successful. Bavmorda was not so successful resisting massive fire-balls hurled in her direction. WINNER: Gandalf
2)Evil Willow Rosenburg VS. 7)Scorpius
Scorpius is an accomplished scientist and warrior but was no match for the direct assault of magical forces that Willow held in her command. Scorpius didn't even have a chance to make a single attack before Willow cast an incantation that burned out his central brain-stem. WINNER: Evil Willow Rosenburg
1)Master Li Mu Bai VS. 9)Hercules
Even a demi-god has his limitations. Being able to battle master-swordsmen with nothing more than a tree-branch is child's play to the Wudan warrior. Finding the weak-spot of Hercules was easy enough. With the Green Destiny at his side Master Li Mu Bai battled Hercules into submission, leaving the Greek hero defeated and shamed. WINNER: Li Mu Bai
4)Neo VS. 5)Buffy Summers
The battle of the Chosen Ones. Even in the matrix Buffy is a Chosen One and brings all her powers and abilities to bare. Neo underestimates the beautiful warrior and doesn't see the death blow coming. Boot to the head! WINNER: Buffy Summers
6)The Highlander VS. 14)Aeryn Sun
Aeryn lands several shots from her pulse pistol at long range before she realized that The Highlander wasn't that easy to put down. Luckily Aeryn is as proficient with a combat knife as she is with ballistic weapons. She matches the immortals attacks blow for blow. All appears lost for the former peacekeeper if not for the Highlander's penchant for smoldering stares at the exact wrong moment. Aeryn gets lucky with a decapitating strike. WINNER: Aeryn Sun
2)Luke Skywalker VS. 7)Conan
Both warriors have defeated the two coolest James Earl Jones characters of all time so this battle came down to the accessories. Lightsabers beat broadswords. WINNER: Luke Skywalker
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Battle Royale - Round 1 Results
Robots and Cyborgs
Darth Vader VS. Johnny 5
Was there ever really a question as to who would emerge victorious? Lord Vader made short work of Johnny. The Sith Lord effortlessly cleaved the lovable robot into tiny pieces before Johnny had a chance to even say hello. WINNER: Darth Vader
Data VS. Seven of Nine
Data and Seven moved to strike simultaneously. Each one matched the other with strength, speed, and ingenuity. Had Seven been willing to inject nano-probes into the android she might have won the battle. But she chose to fight clean. While the cyborg tired the android remained fresh. He went for the kill the second Seven let down her guard due to fatigue, Data snapped her neck like a twig. WINNER: Data
Terminator VS. Maximilion
Even without weapons the Terminator is a formidable foe. Too bad he brought an entire arsenal into the battle. Maximilion was obliterated in a hail of gunfire before he could even activate his spinning claw. WINNER: Terminator
Pris VS. Steve Austin
Pris is best used to seduce and destroy the human male. She got lucky facing off against the most human cyborg in this entire bracket. Steve, like most action heroes from the 70's, was a sucker for the ladies. Pris moved in seductively before The Six Million Dollar Man even knew what hit him. WINNER: Pris
Agent Smith VS. Cylon
The Cylon, being forced to fight inside the Matrix, made this an almost impossible battle. It took down 10 different versions of Agent Smith before the Smith program was able to reach the robot. But once this had happened it was all over. The Cylon became part of the Matrix. Winner: Agent Smith
Luc Deveraux VS. K-9
Luc Deveraux is a formidable warrior but more reactive than proactive. K-9 used strategy against Luc by examining his bodily structure, and learning his weakness. Using his nose-blaster as a shield the tiny robot dog played defense until Luc started to overheat. K-9 finished him off. Nose Ray set for KILL! Winner: K-9
Robocop VS. Sonny
Strength versus Dexterity. Sonny had a chance but he had to get in close in order to do any damage. Robocop was just tough enough to withstand Sonny's first few attacks. All Robo needed to do was catch Sonny. And that he did. WINNER: Robocop
Borg Queen VS. HAL 9000
HAL lost the battle the minute his program was downloaded into the Borg Queen's lair. Instantly assimilated, HAL's uniqueness was added to the Queen. WINNER: Borg Queen
Monsters
The Lord of Darkness VS. The Beast
While Vincent has an impressive mane of flowing locks, The Lord of Darkness wields powerful black magic. He cast The Beast into a deep magical despair, emotionally crippling the creature until he was nothing more than a husk of his former self. WINNER: The Lord of Darkness
Sill VS. Edgar
Sill needs the element of surprise that comes with using her feminine wiles. Edgar cares not for these things. The massive bug seized Sill by the head and feet and broke her like a wish-bone. WINNER: Edgar
The Indescribable Monster VS. Shelob
While Shelob did not fear the great beast, she did not appreciate the raw power of the creature. One shot of his eyeball-lightning obliterated her. WINNER: The Indescribable Monster
Gozer VS. The Fly
The Fly, a mindless creature that only knows fear and desire was not capable of preventing it's worst nightmare from entering its mind. Gozer emerged as the form of Gina Davis (but not the sexy siren from The Fly). No, this was the Gina Davis from Commander In Chief... with lightning bolt powers. WINNER: Gozer the Gozarian
The Mummy VS. Captain Barbossa
This battle waged for hours as these two undead beasts hacked, stabbed, and clawed each other, only to reform and press on. But the mighty magic of the Mummy won out. Learning that brute strength would not stop Barbossa, the Mummy called upon ancient magic to decimate the Captain, causing his body to burst into millions of tiny particles that spread across the continent. It would take weeks for the Captain to reform but by that time the tournament would be over. WINNER: The Mummy
Dracula VS. Medusa
Perhaps the most elegant victory in the first round. Dracula, gaining home-court advantage chooses a chamber of mirrors for his battle-ground. He knows that despite his vast power, even he is subject to the Medusa's horrific gaze. But the mirrored chamber allows him unlimited visual access to the she-beast and is the perfect camouflaged for The Count. He surprises and destroys her with great ease, draining her body of all blood. WINNER: Dracula
The Predator VS. Michael Corvin
Corvin is a powerful foe but an inexperienced fighter. The Predator is a masterful hunter, using his superior technology and other abilities to great advantage. The battle raged for some time but eventually The Predator always gets his pre. WINNER: The Predator
Alien Queen VS. Caesar
Another lopsided victory. Caesar never saw it coming. Alien-razor-spine-tail right through the ol' body cavity. WINNER: Alien Queen
Sorcerers & Scientists
The Emperor VS. Quinn Mallory
Quinn maybe a handsome young man with a big brain but The Emperor is the Sith Lord of all Sith Lords. While Force Lightning looks cool, Palpy doesn't even bother. He takes a page from his pupil's book and crushes Quinn's neck with a flick of his fingers. WINNER: The Emperor
Doctor Who VS. The Invisible Man
The Invisible Man may be hard to see but The Doctor has dealt with that trick countless times before. Using his sonic screwdriver, The Doctor creates a refracting time-field that allows him to see objects outside the visible light spectrum. Combine this with a karate chop to the back of the head and "check mate." WINNER: The Doctor
The Master VS. Mr. Spock
The Master could run intellectual circles around the Vulcan. But with the tissue compression eliminator, it wasn't even necessary. The Master takes the shrunken science officer and heads for the latest Trek convention for an autograph from Leonard Nimoy. WINNER: The Master
Saruman VS. Sam Beckett
Poor Sam Becket. Even quantum physics can't save him from the power of Saruman's magic. WINNER: Saruman
Gandalf the White VS. Phoebe
Even the power of "the three" would be hard pressed to stand up against the most imposing wizard in the tournament. Alone Phoebe is nothing more than a pretty face. Gandalf introduces her to Glamdring. WINNER: Gandlaf
Ra VS. Bavmorda
Ra may be an all powerful god to the ancient people of Egypt but he/she is nothing more than a chump alien to the evil witch Bavmorda. She effortlessly deflects the laser-fire from Ra's weaponry before turning him into a pig... Likely the runt of the litter. WINNER: Bavmorda
Scorpius VS. The Goblin King
On paper the Goblin King has the chops to take down Scorpius. But the Goblin King is just a little to dandy and chooses to toy with Scorpy. This costs him the battle, for it gives the Peacekeeper Commander enough time take him down with a well placed plasma blast to the face. WINNER: Scorpius
Evil Willow Rosenburg VS. Willow Ufgood
The battle of the Willows could not have been more anti-climactic. Evil Willow has torn the flesh from a man's bones, burned people alive, and nearly caused the destruction of the human race. Willow Ufgood never had a chance. WINNER: Evil Willow Rosenburg
Warriors
Li Mu Bai VS. Buck Rogers
The great Wudan master does not find Buck's smarmy self confidence (nor his perfect hair) amusing and dispatches the astronaut with ease. WINNER: Li Mu Bai
Boba Fett VS. Hercules
I'd like to think that the cool factor of Boba wins out over the campy Hercules. But we are talking about a Demi-God and the son of Zeus. No amount of Rocket powered projectiles are going to take down a warrior who can carry the entire world on his back! WINNER: Hercules
Buffy VS. Xena
This cat-fight was the crowd favorite of round one. Neither one pulled their punches and while Xena was able to hang in there for the first few blows, she was unable to withstand the raw power of the Chosen One. Boot to the head! WINNER: Buffy
Neo VS. Ash
If any Cinderella had a chance of defeating Neo in the first round it would have been Ash. Hell he cut-off his own hand to prevent being possessed by demons! Even inside the Matrix, Ash was able to withstand many of Neo's attacks. But Neo can stop-time and bullets. WINNER: Neo
Max VS. Aeryn
Two genetic super soldiers highly trained in the art of war. Looks like a close match. But Aeryn's faced down tougher opponents and come out victorious. I'll take the former Peacekeeper over Max any day of the week. On paper its the biggest upset of the first round. We can all thank The Q for the over-inflated seed position of Max as well as Aeryn's easy round one victory. WINNER: Aeryn
The Highlander VS. Korben Dallas
Korben's got guts but he's no match for the Highlander's skills and invulnerability. The Highlander dispatches Korben quickly and cleanly. WINNER: The Highlander
Conan VS. Riddick
Three words: JAMES EARL JONES. If you can defeat that powerhouse than Vin Diesel is a cake walk. Unfortunately seeing in the dark didn't help Riddick this time. Conan faces his opponents head on and in daylight. Conan rips Riddick apart one limb at a time. WINNER: Conan
Luke Skywalker VS. Captain Kirk
Unfortunately for Kirk, Luke has no interest in the Captain's Log. Young Skywalker doesn't even use his lightsaber on this one. WINNER: Luke Skywalker
Next Installment - Round 2 Results
Darth Vader VS. Johnny 5
Was there ever really a question as to who would emerge victorious? Lord Vader made short work of Johnny. The Sith Lord effortlessly cleaved the lovable robot into tiny pieces before Johnny had a chance to even say hello. WINNER: Darth Vader
Data VS. Seven of Nine
Data and Seven moved to strike simultaneously. Each one matched the other with strength, speed, and ingenuity. Had Seven been willing to inject nano-probes into the android she might have won the battle. But she chose to fight clean. While the cyborg tired the android remained fresh. He went for the kill the second Seven let down her guard due to fatigue, Data snapped her neck like a twig. WINNER: Data
Terminator VS. Maximilion
Even without weapons the Terminator is a formidable foe. Too bad he brought an entire arsenal into the battle. Maximilion was obliterated in a hail of gunfire before he could even activate his spinning claw. WINNER: Terminator
Pris VS. Steve Austin
Pris is best used to seduce and destroy the human male. She got lucky facing off against the most human cyborg in this entire bracket. Steve, like most action heroes from the 70's, was a sucker for the ladies. Pris moved in seductively before The Six Million Dollar Man even knew what hit him. WINNER: Pris
Agent Smith VS. Cylon
The Cylon, being forced to fight inside the Matrix, made this an almost impossible battle. It took down 10 different versions of Agent Smith before the Smith program was able to reach the robot. But once this had happened it was all over. The Cylon became part of the Matrix. Winner: Agent Smith
Luc Deveraux VS. K-9
Luc Deveraux is a formidable warrior but more reactive than proactive. K-9 used strategy against Luc by examining his bodily structure, and learning his weakness. Using his nose-blaster as a shield the tiny robot dog played defense until Luc started to overheat. K-9 finished him off. Nose Ray set for KILL! Winner: K-9
Robocop VS. Sonny
Strength versus Dexterity. Sonny had a chance but he had to get in close in order to do any damage. Robocop was just tough enough to withstand Sonny's first few attacks. All Robo needed to do was catch Sonny. And that he did. WINNER: Robocop
Borg Queen VS. HAL 9000
HAL lost the battle the minute his program was downloaded into the Borg Queen's lair. Instantly assimilated, HAL's uniqueness was added to the Queen. WINNER: Borg Queen
Monsters
The Lord of Darkness VS. The Beast
While Vincent has an impressive mane of flowing locks, The Lord of Darkness wields powerful black magic. He cast The Beast into a deep magical despair, emotionally crippling the creature until he was nothing more than a husk of his former self. WINNER: The Lord of Darkness
Sill VS. Edgar
Sill needs the element of surprise that comes with using her feminine wiles. Edgar cares not for these things. The massive bug seized Sill by the head and feet and broke her like a wish-bone. WINNER: Edgar
The Indescribable Monster VS. Shelob
While Shelob did not fear the great beast, she did not appreciate the raw power of the creature. One shot of his eyeball-lightning obliterated her. WINNER: The Indescribable Monster
Gozer VS. The Fly
The Fly, a mindless creature that only knows fear and desire was not capable of preventing it's worst nightmare from entering its mind. Gozer emerged as the form of Gina Davis (but not the sexy siren from The Fly). No, this was the Gina Davis from Commander In Chief... with lightning bolt powers. WINNER: Gozer the Gozarian
The Mummy VS. Captain Barbossa
This battle waged for hours as these two undead beasts hacked, stabbed, and clawed each other, only to reform and press on. But the mighty magic of the Mummy won out. Learning that brute strength would not stop Barbossa, the Mummy called upon ancient magic to decimate the Captain, causing his body to burst into millions of tiny particles that spread across the continent. It would take weeks for the Captain to reform but by that time the tournament would be over. WINNER: The Mummy
Dracula VS. Medusa
Perhaps the most elegant victory in the first round. Dracula, gaining home-court advantage chooses a chamber of mirrors for his battle-ground. He knows that despite his vast power, even he is subject to the Medusa's horrific gaze. But the mirrored chamber allows him unlimited visual access to the she-beast and is the perfect camouflaged for The Count. He surprises and destroys her with great ease, draining her body of all blood. WINNER: Dracula
The Predator VS. Michael Corvin
Corvin is a powerful foe but an inexperienced fighter. The Predator is a masterful hunter, using his superior technology and other abilities to great advantage. The battle raged for some time but eventually The Predator always gets his pre. WINNER: The Predator
Alien Queen VS. Caesar
Another lopsided victory. Caesar never saw it coming. Alien-razor-spine-tail right through the ol' body cavity. WINNER: Alien Queen
Sorcerers & Scientists
The Emperor VS. Quinn Mallory
Quinn maybe a handsome young man with a big brain but The Emperor is the Sith Lord of all Sith Lords. While Force Lightning looks cool, Palpy doesn't even bother. He takes a page from his pupil's book and crushes Quinn's neck with a flick of his fingers. WINNER: The Emperor
Doctor Who VS. The Invisible Man
The Invisible Man may be hard to see but The Doctor has dealt with that trick countless times before. Using his sonic screwdriver, The Doctor creates a refracting time-field that allows him to see objects outside the visible light spectrum. Combine this with a karate chop to the back of the head and "check mate." WINNER: The Doctor
The Master VS. Mr. Spock
The Master could run intellectual circles around the Vulcan. But with the tissue compression eliminator, it wasn't even necessary. The Master takes the shrunken science officer and heads for the latest Trek convention for an autograph from Leonard Nimoy. WINNER: The Master
Saruman VS. Sam Beckett
Poor Sam Becket. Even quantum physics can't save him from the power of Saruman's magic. WINNER: Saruman
Gandalf the White VS. Phoebe
Even the power of "the three" would be hard pressed to stand up against the most imposing wizard in the tournament. Alone Phoebe is nothing more than a pretty face. Gandalf introduces her to Glamdring. WINNER: Gandlaf
Ra VS. Bavmorda
Ra may be an all powerful god to the ancient people of Egypt but he/she is nothing more than a chump alien to the evil witch Bavmorda. She effortlessly deflects the laser-fire from Ra's weaponry before turning him into a pig... Likely the runt of the litter. WINNER: Bavmorda
Scorpius VS. The Goblin King
On paper the Goblin King has the chops to take down Scorpius. But the Goblin King is just a little to dandy and chooses to toy with Scorpy. This costs him the battle, for it gives the Peacekeeper Commander enough time take him down with a well placed plasma blast to the face. WINNER: Scorpius
Evil Willow Rosenburg VS. Willow Ufgood
The battle of the Willows could not have been more anti-climactic. Evil Willow has torn the flesh from a man's bones, burned people alive, and nearly caused the destruction of the human race. Willow Ufgood never had a chance. WINNER: Evil Willow Rosenburg
Warriors
Li Mu Bai VS. Buck Rogers
The great Wudan master does not find Buck's smarmy self confidence (nor his perfect hair) amusing and dispatches the astronaut with ease. WINNER: Li Mu Bai
Boba Fett VS. Hercules
I'd like to think that the cool factor of Boba wins out over the campy Hercules. But we are talking about a Demi-God and the son of Zeus. No amount of Rocket powered projectiles are going to take down a warrior who can carry the entire world on his back! WINNER: Hercules
Buffy VS. Xena
This cat-fight was the crowd favorite of round one. Neither one pulled their punches and while Xena was able to hang in there for the first few blows, she was unable to withstand the raw power of the Chosen One. Boot to the head! WINNER: Buffy
Neo VS. Ash
If any Cinderella had a chance of defeating Neo in the first round it would have been Ash. Hell he cut-off his own hand to prevent being possessed by demons! Even inside the Matrix, Ash was able to withstand many of Neo's attacks. But Neo can stop-time and bullets. WINNER: Neo
Max VS. Aeryn
Two genetic super soldiers highly trained in the art of war. Looks like a close match. But Aeryn's faced down tougher opponents and come out victorious. I'll take the former Peacekeeper over Max any day of the week. On paper its the biggest upset of the first round. We can all thank The Q for the over-inflated seed position of Max as well as Aeryn's easy round one victory. WINNER: Aeryn
The Highlander VS. Korben Dallas
Korben's got guts but he's no match for the Highlander's skills and invulnerability. The Highlander dispatches Korben quickly and cleanly. WINNER: The Highlander
Conan VS. Riddick
Three words: JAMES EARL JONES. If you can defeat that powerhouse than Vin Diesel is a cake walk. Unfortunately seeing in the dark didn't help Riddick this time. Conan faces his opponents head on and in daylight. Conan rips Riddick apart one limb at a time. WINNER: Conan
Luke Skywalker VS. Captain Kirk
Unfortunately for Kirk, Luke has no interest in the Captain's Log. Young Skywalker doesn't even use his lightsaber on this one. WINNER: Luke Skywalker
Next Installment - Round 2 Results
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