The Few - The Proud - The Furry!

Hello, Blog-Country. It's been too long since our last visit. I promise to try harder in the future. Life and work have just conspired against our desire to be together! Oh well... at least we can enjoy the occasional blog-post.

This one is certainly worth dropping everything and sharing. As a father of two little boys who still enjoy sleeping with their favorite stuffed animal, this touched me, as both a parent, and an avid sci-fantasy aficionado. Perhaps my son's favorite stuffed pet, Buster, bravely guards his bed every night from the rabid beasts that lurk in the dark shadows.

Regardless of what really goes on while we blissfully slumber, it is this peace of mind that all children should have when they sleep soundly in their beds. If Buster provides that for my son, he most assuredly deserves knighthood for protecting my family!

10 Things I Hate About The Joe Movie

You can imagine my elation when I first heard about the G.I. Joe Movie rumors from a year ago. Sadly as details slowly leaked out my fears grew and grew. But my biggest mistake was assuming the silver lining to this cloud was going to be lowered expectations. After all, I had seen enough really good movies this summer. What's one bad movie amongst fan-boys? So I went in with eyes wide open and no expectation that my favorite childhood franchise of ALL TIME would be any good. Sadly this movie managed to disappoint even my meager hopes and strain my sincere affection. So was there anything good about the Joe Movie? The action sequences were awesome and the casting of a couple of characters was pretty good or at least serviceable. The worst of this movie... well, I can only hope to scratch the service. So here it goes.

10) The Not To Distant Future: The only reason to make this movie set in "The Future" is to avoid explaining the ridiculous sci-fi stuff like, sonic-wave-rifles, Holographic lap-tops, and Hover planes they stole from the Terminator's garage.

9) Flash-back Faux Pas: Flash backs kicks ass and when done properly really broaden and deepen the mythology of a story in a very short amount of time. Too bad G.I. Joe couldn't flash-back their way out of a paper bag. For starters, you'd think they could manage just two separate back-stories, that of Duke and Snake-Eyes. No they choose to waste five minutes of movie in medieval Scotland and later bore you to tears with endless time spent on flat, emotionless, sequences on why The Baroness and Storm Shadow turn evil. Which brings me to Storm Shadow.

8) Storm Shadow: They almost get it right, but they play him more assassin than noble warrior. Even at his most evil, the comic always made Storm Shadow honorable. I'll admit they gave his character room to inevitably turn good in a later movie, but we can only pray another movie with this crew never happens. Yes, Storm Shadow is a good guy in the end. Maybe that was the confusion with the Baroness, but we'll get to her in a second.

7) Accelerator Suits: I knew going in that these were in the movie, but I didn't expect the CGI to suck so bad. At least make the characters look realistic. CGI has gotten to the point where I shouldn't be able to tell the difference between real stunt action and Buzz Light-Year graphics.

6) Destro: I'll accept the fact that Destro's mask in the comic was awfully animated, but that's all it was. A freaking mask! The man didn't have his skin turned into metal. Who comes up with this shit?

5) Rip-Cord: The reason his codename is Rip-Cord is because the original character was an air force paratrooper. He jumped out of planes, i.e. RIP-CORD!!! He wasn't Duke's side-kick. He wasn't a marine. He was already an the airborne. How hard is it to get even the broadest brush-strokes correct?

4) Evil Plans: So Destro goes to all this trouble to make NATO pay for his state-of-the-art nanites and then goes through the trouble of stealing them back from the government. Why not just over-charge and build more than the measly 4 missiles? And if Destro built the damn things in the first place, why does he need the Baroness' scientist husband to arm them, and why oh why do the highly touted cobra super soldiers fall down like a house of cards when Scarlett sneezes on them.

3) Sgt. Slaughter: Two words... Brendon Frasier.

2) Snake-Eyes: Almost everything about this character worked. I was even willing to ignore the casting of the vertically challenged, Ray Park. But why on earth include a line (at the very end of the movie) about Snake-Eyes taking a vow of silence as his reason for not talking. That's just destroying comic-book continuity for no purpose! He can't talk because his larynx was destroyed by a helicopter explosion!

1) The Baroness: The whole point of having a sexy, dominatrix, villainess is that she is an honest to God VILLAIN, not some corn-fed, all American, girl that's been brainwashed by her crazy-ass brother.

When Titans Collide!

The air was filled with an electric energy just before the fateful reunion took place. Tens of thousands had gathered from across the world to witness what would surely be a momentous event. As the crowd began to swell and the media swirled in circles a host of angles sprang forth from the heavens and shined their blessed light down onto the earth. For MRT and CyberD finally reunited after a decade apart. They reached out and grasped hands and the crowd roared with celebration. Camera bulbs flashed and a symphony orchestra spontaneously erupted with Beethoven's Ode to Joy. The two titans of mankind stood for a moment amidst the throngs of mortals before sitting before a bountiful feast.

Much was said between these two warriors of old but even more was communicated. They regaled each other with tales of wonder that defined a decade long journey of exploration and adventure. No topic was off limits with these two stalwart titans as politics, religion, and Indiana Jones were discussed at great length. Then when all the food had been eaten and the wine and been drunk the two icons of time stood up from their feast and agreed that such a reunion would become a regular part of their heroic rituals. Finally, after an exchange of business cards and emails they parted ways with thoughts of the next reunion in their mind's eye.

Indiana Dad

You never know what to expect from children. I was up early this morning with Lil' Higgins and we were watching one of the morning shows on TV. Then, in the middle of his bottle, he sat up and yelled "Pup-pup!" and pointed at the television. I scanned the entertainment center. Perhaps my wife left one of his stuffed puppy-dogs on top of it. No, and there was no puppy on the program. So I carried Lil' Higgins over to where he was pointing. He was pointing at the program and he wasn't saying "Pup-pup". He was saying "Papa" - the term of endearment the kids use for my dad... their granddad.


It happened to be a case of mistaken identity because Diane Sawyer was interviewing none other than Harrison Ford.


That's awesome! So if my dad is Harrison Ford from Indiana Jones, I guess that makes me... Shia Leboeuf... damn it! Wait a minute... I guess I didn't think that out completely.

I need a hero!

Okay, so you'll never guess what happened on Tuesday. I walk out of my office on the one year anniversary of my first day at this job and I notice a campus police officer taking a statement from a student who had her car window shattered. Apparently there were some break-ins in the parking lot that my office shares with student parking. Then I notice a strip of metal on the outside of my driver's side door had been pulled out. It was bent and sticking out at an odd angle. It looked as if the hoodlums attempted to break into my car as well.

Luckily they didn't gain entry so I guess I have that going for me, but my deductible on this type of thing is $250 so that sucks. The most shocking thing is that both my car and the student's car had this happen to them in the middle of the afternoon. And this is a very busy parking lot. Lots of students and staff are constantly walking through it to go from one end of campus to the other.

I have to say I kept a surprisingly level head about the whole thing. Maybe it's because I was just thankful to not be the girl with the shattered window. Maybe it's because I hadn't started drinking yet that day. Still, I have to say things like this make you wish for justice. Luckily I came home to find my son ready to spring in to action. After he learned what happened to my vehicle he and the family dog were ready to help. God love 'em.

Armor Plated Goodness

It's strange you know? I don't play HALO. Hell, I don't even own the gaming system required to play HALO and yet I feel that I desperately need one of these. If not for Halloween this year, than for playing paintball, and if not for playing paintball, perhaps for the bedroom!



Maybe it is my Y chromosome kicking into overdrive! That or my geek chromosome... or both!

God bless the U.S.A.

Miss Teen South Carolina proves that beauty pageants are about more than just beauty!

Football time in the city!

Well the 4th annual MOBFL draft is over and I must say that the Sports Donkey Lollipop Buffet has once again crafted a team worthy of pig skin glory! I'm proud to say that the Q and I still reign supreme on draft day. Unfortunately The Tasty Q couldn't make it to the MOBFL draft this year. When I asked him why, he refused to give me a straight answer and only muttered something about an archeologist and a billionaire. Anyway, here is the round by round results of the hard work put forth by our team hence forth referred to as the SDLB.

Round 1 - This was a no brainer. We had the second pick in the draft and while we toyed with the idea of trading up for the number one pick, we decided to not sacrifice anything that wasn't necessary. As part owner and Q's proxy, I drafted Steven Jackson, Running Back extraordinaire. He will put up some monster numbers and with points per reception now being added to the scoring system, we have the secret weapon that others will envy.

Round 2 - Twenty picks had gone by and all of the stud Running Backs were gone. The top flight Quarterback was taken early in Round 1 and the run on QBs had begun. But the choice wasn't easy. After this next pick, a single owner would have the benefit of picking twice before I could pick again in Round 3. Should I draft the next best QB on the board or should I grab the best RB still available? I decided that value at RB was beginning to get murky but there was still a clear choice on the best QB available. I drafted Drew Brees feeling that he was next in line to those that went before him, such as Palmer, Manning, and Brady.

Round 3 - My choice was the correct one as the before mentioned owner drafted the touchdown machine: Marion Barber as well as Donovan McNabb. Barber's a nice pick but others can perform equally. On the other hand, the QB tier drops after Brees and McNabb is no Brees. I feel that had I waited on Brees he would not have been there. Now I look for the best clear RB starter available and it is Brandon Jacobs of the NYG.

Round 4 - Copious amounts of top flight wide outs go in this round and I am not surprised that few are left. There is still one undeniable stud and I take Javon Walker and pray that his QB doesn't meltdown.

Round 5 - Running Backs are looking terrible now so I draft another unequivocal starter and am thankful that what may be left are all teams that run RB's by committee. I take Caddilac and don't look back.

Round 6 - With only one wide out on my team it's clear where I need to go next and due to my dedication in picking quality RBs I'm getting nervous. Time to look for a #1 WR on a winning team. Darrell Jackson was already taken but he's now in San Fran. His Seattle replacement is available and I take Deion Branch.

Round 7 - We had some piss poor running last year and I'm determined to pull out all the stops. With some really great RB's secured I feel it is still not enough. I see one unequivocal starter still available and while he plays for the crappy Oakland Raiders, he's showed brilliance in the past. I draft LaMont Jordan and hope for a little "return to glory" action.

Round 8 - I can't believe a kicker hasn't been drafted yet. Most people discount their value but someone always beats me to the best one. Not this year. I break the kicker seal and draft Adam Vinatieri.

Round 9 - With my RB core filled out and a good stable of WR locked up I return my attention to QB. Brees is a young stud who should play well but a sold back-up is always good. Better yet, how about another super-power young QB. I draft Jake Delhomme and am surprised he is still available.

Round 10 - I'm making a run on WR's now and I see another go-to guy in Jacksonville. I draft Matt Jones

Round 11 - Things are still looking bleak in Wide Receiver territory and the RB situation is even worse. So I snag a possible emerging star and tandem wide out to my Drew Brees in Devery Henderson, the #2 WR in New Orleans.

Round 12 - I look back and I am pleased with my work. The last time I felt such calm and lack of hurriedness was when I took my team to the fantasy Superbowl. Could this year see more of the same? With a back-up kicker like Olindo Mare, I can't imagine any other outcome.

Round 13 - I never draft a defense this early but things feel pretty good amongst my other positions and a solid Defense is still available. I draft the Jags.

Round 14 - With arguably one of the best RB cores in this draft, I have flexibility to take a risk. I draft A. Peterson from Chicago as a back-up RB with a chance at greatness.

Round 15 - Is usually garbage time. But there is actually still a go-to WR for his team available. Granted, it's the Raiders (and I never thought I would draft two Raiders) but he's a number one and I'm not sacrificing much value taking him as my last pick. Welcome to the SDLB, Jerry Porter.

That's it. You read it here first. Now only fortune and glory remain to be achieved!

P.S. I don't want to hear shit about the spelling of names. I don't give a hairy rats ass.

Stepping up to the plate

I took my eldest to the water park this weekend. He still hasn't learned to swim yet but we are working on it. He loves the water, so after getting tired of the kiddie pool I (like the great dad that I am) carry my son on my hip through the deep water, down the "lazy river", over to the giant floating buoy, and generally all over the damn place. There are countless kids at a similar skill level being carted around by a parent. Occasionally you see a child with a parent that decided a life-jacket is a sufficient parenting tool, allowing them to sit in the shade near the cabana.

I used to be a lifeguard in high school so I can speak from experience when I say that it is shocking how little care some parents show for their children when they know the child is unable to swim. I also know how hard it is to keep a vigilant eye on all the craziness that goes on in the water when you are one of only a handful of guards on duty.

It was a blistering hot Sunday afternoon, which means you find many more parents keeping to the shade and trusting their children with more responsibility then they can usually handle. I had just exited the "lazy river" with my son in tow. I noticed that there was a verbal altercation between some young boys in the deep water. The lifeguard was distracted by this scene and that's when you can get yourself into trouble. Just as I was being reminded of the good old days at the city pool I notice a small boy (no older than my own son) drift between two crowds of kids. He had a life-jacket on but it was too loose and his head was bobbing in and out of the water. He was screaming but he couldn't make any sound because of all the water he was swallowing.

I was a few feet away and it was clear that nobody noticed what was going on. In retrospect, I probably should have called the attention of the guard on duty but instincts kicked in the likes of which I hadn't felt in years. I took two large strides and reached out, snatching the boy up in my arms, and pulling his body out of the water. Luckily he was still very lucid and he was more thankful for the rescue than afraid of being grabbed by a stranger. With my son in one arm and the young boy in the other, I asked him where his parents were and he pointed in the direction of the kiddie pool area. A few seconds later we found his grandmother. I doubt she even realized how much danger her child was in. The boy was surprisingly grateful for his age... probably a testament to how terrified he was at the time.

I'm very proud of my son too, because he took it all in stride and actually said "Yeah, Daddy!" when it was all over.

I must admit though, that above all other things I did manage to get one mystery answered. You see, I quit life guarding before Baywatch hit cable. I always wondered if (following that show) lifeguards would hear that theme song playing in their heads as they save lives. You know what? We do!