What Cyber D is watching on TV

It's been almost a year since my last post and that is just a crime. Much has happened in my life since May of 2010 including a new job in a new town. So I've got that going for me. But what do we all love most here at The Wheel in Space? That's right. Everyone wants to know what Cyber D thinks about television. I've got some great new stuff on the TiVo these days and some old favorites. So here is what Cyber D is watching right now.

Justified - Great show in its 2nd season. You like hot red-neck chicks, crazy meth addicts from Kentucky, and a bad ass U.S. Marshall that shoots first and doesn't even bother to ask questions later? Watch Justified.

Smallville - This show has gotten really old and really tired. But they say it's the final season so I've tuned back in to see Tom Welling finally done those red and blue tights in the finale.

The League - Okay so I'm not watching The League right now since it is only showing new episodes in the fall but watching this in rerun is worth it. It is - hands down - the funniest show in TV right now.

Perfect Couples - You'd think this was a chick flick by the name of the show but you'd be surprised how much stuff is in this show for guys.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars - There really aren't any good sci-fi shows on TV right now. I think the fad may be drawing to a close. We may not see much sci-fi over the next decade. In the meantime, scratch that fan-boy itch by watching these guys write some seriously wild retroactive continuity.

Archer - I haven't actually started watching this show yet but I am damn close. The commercials are hilarious. Plus I like bad ass spies with no ability to self reflect.

Castle - This is the most main stream of the bunch but I like the Kate Beckett character and I'm always a fan of supporting the career of Nathan Fillon.

Phineas and Ferb - My kids love this show and its actually pretty funny. Plus those child voice actors an sing some serious funky music.

Top 5 Greatest Movies You've Never Seen

I saw The Wrestler last month. If you've seen it you should agree with me that it was most awesome. I hadn't seen Mickey Rorke in anything good since... well, I hadn't seen him in anything since I last rented Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man. Now that movie kicked serious bootie. And that got me thinking about some great movies that you've never seen. So let's begin.

5) Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man


You know those action movies with the straight laced hero and his wild and crazy hero friend? That's not this movie. Take out the bland hero and replace him with another wild-ass, butt kickin', crazy in the head alcoholic who is fighting to save one man's daughter against a band of rabid drug lords who have no idea who they're messing with and you have this rockin' 80's movie gone wild!

4) Face/Off


This is a movie with one of the most ludicrous premises I've ever heard of and I love it. It really is a guilty pleasure at the top of my list along with Maria Carey and Sour Patch Kids. You know that movie about the never say die police hero up against the crazy terrorist? That's not this movie. But if you take those two characters and surgically swap their faces along with relative body hair and vocal chords and then plop them into each other's respective worlds then you have one of the most guns-blazing, window shattering, compound-bone-fracturing, movies of its time.

3) Rosencrance and Gildenstern are Dead


You know that movie about two dumb ass retards that travel the countryside getting into all sorts of ridiculous trouble? No, not Dumb and Dumber... well kind of. This is if Shakespeare wrote Dumb and Dumber, and it's a damn fine flick. With Gary Oldman and Tim Roth playing the title characters you get two of the most dark and twistedly talented actors playing against type and making high English writing actually sound funny. Rent this!

2) Diggstown


You know that movie about the con man who changes his ways after falling in love in small town America. Take that movie and throw in a vicious rural tycoon, a very young and up and coming Heather Graham, and more double crosses than a twizzler and you have this movie. That and Louis Gossett Junior kicks ass.

1) Fandango


There really isn't a comparison for this film. As best I can say it's the first Bro-Mance before there was such a thing. As funny as The Hangover is... this is better. Plus it's probably the only Kevin Costner movie worth a damn. It's at the top of my list, isn't that enough for you to rent it?

Merry Christmas!

Dreaming of You

Reading stories about other people's dreams can be worse than root canal but I'm going to share this nugget with you anyway. Let's begin:

Last night I had the weirdest dream. I was walking down the street with purpose - as if I knew where I was going. I turned and headed into a large steel building. You know... like the kind they use for auto-body shops, children's bounce houses, and fundamentalist churches.


Inside it was air-conditioned and carpeted with rows and rows of fold out chairs. Up front there were two men (also seated in fold out chairs) reading from a Popular Mechanics Magazine to a packed audience. I found a seat in the back next to Dagromm and The Illustrious Q. I noticed that Q was talking to Dagromm in an overly loud voice - which made Dags a little uncomfortable because the two presenters were noticeably annoyed by the interruption.


Then, as if overcome by raw emotion, Q stands up and belts out the opening verse to Bruce Springsteen's Born in the USA.

Born down in a dead man's town
The first kick I took was when I hit the ground
You end up like a dog that's been beat too much
'Til you spend half your life just covering up

He then stops and looks right at me, giving me the "come on dude, I need you on this" look with his eyes. And for some reason I respond reluctantly with the line...

Born in the U.S.A.

The Q responds in kind screaming the remainder of the chorus...

Born in the U.S.A.
Born in the U.S.A.

He drops it down a notch but continues with great enthusiasm into the second verse...

I got in a little hometown jam
And so they put a rifle in my hands
Sent me off to Vietnam
To go and kill the yellow man

Only this time several people from the audience stand up and join him in the chorus! By the third verse Q has the entire audience on their feet. Everyone is belting out the chorus and I can swear I hear back-up music coming from somewhere. I too find that I am drawn to Q's raw power and I join the group. I notice even Dagromm is up on his feet and clapping his hands like a love-struck fan - singing every word.

This is when it gets weird. By this time, the two leaders of the Popular Mechanics Magazine Read-along have stepped aside. Q prances around in front of the crowd before turning around and ripping off his jacket to reveal a bright read jumpsuit with writing on the back. It says:

Dear Q: As a loyal fan of Texas A&M, I am sending you this jump-suit so that it can be properly baptised. Your friend, Tom Brokaw.


Q then runs and leaps into a giant tank of water at the front of the room. He bounces up and down in the chest high pool as the jump suit fills with water. Soon the jump-suit is near to bursting and Q looks like the girl from Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory who ate the blueberry gum. Dagromm and I are forced to go into the tank and retrieve Q, rolling him onto the carpet and down the isle. The crowd continues to chant...

Born in the U.S.A.

...and Q chants right along with them.

As Dagromm and I open the door to the outside, the bright light of the sun hits our face and I awake - baffled by my dream.

Firing Blanks

Well, the deed is done. I went under the knife last week and my doc cut the main line... so to speak. I now join the ranks of G-Dog and Dagromm who no longer are able to spawn any more children. The only difference is that mine wasn't court mandated.

I have to say that the surgery itself wasn't terrible. There were only two moments of "make you want to jump up and slap that son of a bitch" pain. Following that, the recovery could have been much worse, but my old friend... I mean my new friend vicoden made all the difference in the world.

Now I'm back at my desk with a bottle of extra strength Tylenol. Only thing now left to do is empty the remainder of the clip. Apparently I'm still potent for a good three months. So watch out ladies!

Anatomy of a Geek - Part 2

So there I was, a nervous thirteen year old kid in a new town with the daunting task of making new friends. I'd like to say it was easy but it wasn't. To make a long story short, my junior high years were a bit lonely for me but I found comfort in the escapism of storytelling. Unfortunately Dungeons & Dragons is a communal experience and that was in short supply, but I looked elsewhere for enjoyment and found it in Choose Your Own Adventure Books as well as my first attempts to write. I believe these years were the years that I learned the love of writing. At that time it was essentially the equivalent of playing an RPG for me. What I didn't realize was that writing is really the original RPG. If these activities weren't enough to solidify my geek credentials than my television habits surely sealed the deal.


Prior to leaving my childhood home I was introduced to the television show Doctor Who. My first exposure was in the form of an RPG (go figure). After playing D&D every day for years, my friends and I branched off into all variety of knock-off role playing game and the one we loved most was Doctor Who. I then learned it was based on the British television show and started watching from time to time. After moving away, Doctor Who went from being a "time to time" occurrence to a weekly occurrence of watching recording and cataloging episodes. I can't stress the geek importance of cataloging episodes because it was those in-between days when I made good use of my collection and thus spawned my penchant for collecting. Since that time I have collected all manner of geek item from videos, to metal soldiers, to collectible toys, and more. But I digress. I have friends that make fun of my love of Who, and I'm no dummy. I can see the wobbly sets, the over-acting, and the occasional flimsy story line, but I essentially forgive those things out of respect for what Doctor Who was for me at that time in my life and to a larger extant what Doctor Who did for the science fiction and fantasy genre as a whole. Like other kids, I have tremendously fond memories of watching each new story unfold before me, amazed at the never ending cornucopia of aliens, enemies, allies, and plot lines that dated back more than twenty years! That history and longevity was like a warm blanket of consistency for a child who was growing up and learning, like most other young people, that most things in life are fleeting.


Then came the summer of 1989 when my local PBS station stopped carrying the increasingly expensive Who serials. Needless to say I was extremely disappointed but timing is everything and it just so happened that my friendship circle widened to include two guys that I still call friends today. We grew up together between 10th grade and high school graduation. We learned how to drive cars, relate to girls, and formed strong bonds that I still cherish. I put aside Doctor Who, and Dungeons & Dragons, and Star Wars, and metal soldiers in exchange for the fast times of high school life. But unlike many of my peers, I never felt that I compromised my own personal set of values despite the avalanche of temptation to do so. I have no doubt in my mind that this was due to great parenting but also to a long-standing commitment of being true to myself, established early on by my unashamed love of my geekier side.

The fall of 1992 brought with it another big move as I embarked on my college years and an opportunity to fold together my every-man lifestyle with my inner geek.


To Be Concluded...

Anatomy of a Geek

So what is a geek really? I find the whole definition of geek to be terribly interesting because we come in so many different shapes and sizes. Is it someone obsessed and adept with technology? Some are, but that is not me. I do okay but I'm no IT professional. Some say a geek is someone who uses hard-core academics to live their real world lives, like using multivariate math to bake a cake. That's not me. I can't even tolerate reading instructions. Finally there are those people who have a devotion to something that sets them apart from the mainstream. Ahhhh... that sounds more like it. Yep, I'm a Doctor Who fan. I read Lord of the Rings and have even attended a Star Wars convention. And yet I didn't collect comics when I was a child, I actually had girlfriends in high school, and I've never... EVER... let my hair grow past the top of my ears. So even though I can lose myself in the crowd at the national republican convention, what sets me apart from the throngs of boring white people? The answer is my inner geek.

Or should I say my inner story teller? I had planned a post about my geek origins for some time and it seems like the death of Gary Gygax is fitting enough timing, partly because it was his influence that offered me my first look into a shared experience of creative story telling. You see it all started at the tender age of ten years old. My two best friends, who lived down the street, introduced me to the wonderful game of Dungeons & Dragons. I was immediately captivated by it. It was like my mind came alive with possibilities as I entered another universe where I could help to shape its outcome.


At that time in my life, I was like many young boys who loved cartoons, action figures, and pretty much anything that could delight and entertain. Ironically enough it is around this time that many children begin to see the perils of conformity looming ahead. Junior High was just around the corner and I had no idea the lengths to which society could go to squash a child's unbridled creativity. I am happy to say that I was one of the lucky ones. After being introduced to role playing games, when my two friends and I would get together, we would play nothing else for the next three years. It is hard to articulate that feeling of first being exposed to a game that literally required only a pencil, some paper, and your imagination. To this day I still have memories of those early adventures and the images that it evoked in my own mind. Those were formative times because it helped me appreciate and find the joy in creating something from nothing. In fact it was so rewarding that I refused to relinquish my grip on it.

The summer I turned thirteen I moved away from the only place I had ever known as home. I would see my two best friends from time to time over the next few years but I wouldn't play Dungeons and Dragons with any regularity for a very long time. I moved hundreds of miles away to a place where I knew no one. But I didn't let that squash my inner geek, because just prior to my move I had been introduced to a funky little British TV show called Doctor Who.


To Be Continued...

The Reason for the Season

It's been a busy holiday season. My office conducts more business in the months of November and December than the entire rest of the year combined, so you can imagine every minute counts. Consequently, the blog has suffered. But we always have to remind ourselves why we do what we do. Why do I put in long hours of travel with nights away from family? Why do I work so hard that even the blog goes without attention? When I look at some of my all time favorite family pictures, I am reminded. Because at the end of the day, nothing is more important than knowing that I have worked my hardest to provide the ones I love with everything they deserve.

Me and Lil' Magnum Playing Superman


Mrs. Cyber and Lil' Magnum at the Halloween Carnival 2006


A Quiet Moment Between Lil' Magnum and Lil' Higgins


Me, Lil' Higgins, and Lil' Magnum at Home


Me and Lil' Higgins


Mrs. Cyber and Lil' Higgins at Disneyland


Lil' Higgins in his Turkey Day Outfit



MERRY CHRISTMAS BLOG COUNTRY!

Behind the Scenes

In keeping with a format that good ol' Dagromm started a few months back, I thought I would share a little behind the scenes action between me and The Q.

-----Original Message-----
From: CyberD
Date: Thursday September 20, 2007 11:35 AM
To: Q
Subject: RE: comments

Why the fuck will my comments not post on your blog? I've tried to comment like four times and none of them have registered!


-----Original Message-----
From: Q
Date: Thursday September 20, 2007 11:38 AM
To: CyberD
Subject: RE: comments

Fixed it

You were marked as spam. I blame Gus Bladder again for that


-----Original Message-----
From: CyberD
Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2007 12:03 PM
To: Q
Subject: RE: comments

I blame gus bladder for the price per barrel of gasoline being what it is today. Bastard!


-----Original Message-----
From: Q
Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2007 3:11 PM
To: CyberD
Subject: RE: comments

Dude, just a heads up. Our Fantasy Football Team SUCKS!


-----Original Message-----
From: CyberD
Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2007 3:13 PM
To: Q
Subject: RE: comments

What are you talking about? We've got it made... just a little tweak here and there and we've made it... by the way... your blog is blocking my comments still!


-----Original Message-----
From: Q
Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2007 3:14 PM
To: CyberD
Subject: RE: comments

No, I just hate you


-----Original Message-----
From: CyberD
Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2007 3:15 PM
To: Q
Subject: RE: comments

You better fix that shit or there's going to be hell to pay!


-----Original Message-----
From: Q
Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2007 3:16 PM
To: CyberD
Subject: RE: comments

Smoke


-----Original Message-----
From: CyberD
Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2007 3:17 PM
To: Q
Subject: RE: comments

Don't even think about it.


-----Original Message-----
From: Q
Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2007 3:18 PM
To: CyberD
Subject: RE: comments

My


-----Original Message-----
From: CyberD
Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2007 3:19 PM
To: Q
Subject: RE: comments

Don't you dare.


-----Original Message-----
From: Q
Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2007 3:20 PM
To: CyberD
Subject: RE: comments

Pole

-----Original Message-----
From: CyberD
Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2007 3:21 PM
To: Q
Subject: RE: comments

Damn it! Reeeeeeally subtle, Q-dog.


-----Original Message-----
From: Q
Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2007 4:12 PM
To: CyberD
Subject: RE: comments

Dude that is what I am known for. Well that and the stalking. Well those two and that indecent exposure thing. Whatever


-----Original Message-----
From: CyberD
Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2004 4:59 PM
To: Q
Subject: RE: comments

Good times, good times...

What is wrong with me?

I'm often reminded of my child's innocent nature when he invariably throws down a phrase that makes my inner-junior-high-self chuckle. My son got some new toys for his 3rd birthday this weekend.

He has now reached the stage where he is no longer content to just bang a stick against a wall or roll balls across the floor. He is practicing pretend play so horses have to chase each other around the house and super heroes are always in the business of saving other toys from their troubles.

Yesterday his new Superman and Wonder Woman action figures were bravely swooping down onto the breakfast table and lifting a various assortment of wildlife animals onto their backs, saving them from a deadly fire!

In this particular case my son wanted to make it clear to me which animal belonged to each superhero. The following conversation ensued:

Lil' Magnum: We got to save the animals, Daddy!

Me: Okay, son. Which animals should we save first?

Lil' Magnum: This is Superman's Rhino, Daddy!

Me: Wow, Superman saved a rhinoceros. That's great!

Lil' Magnum: This is Wonder Woman's Beaver!

Me: (Very long pause attempting to hold back my hysteria) That's... great... son. I'm glad Wonder Woman saved her beaver.


I'm a terrible father.

It is well and truly ON!

It should be known that nobody questions the geek-cred of CyberD at The Wheel. One can scurry off to a dark stinky cave and pretend to know the difference between a Tavloid and a Tavlek, but here at The Wheel we know the score!

When it comes to debating the merits of Star Wars vs. Star Trek, the plot fallacy of a time paradox, or the life-long acting contribution of Warwick Davis, I am here to say that I can pop, drop, and lock it with the best of them!

If the realm of science fiction and fantasy entertainment was a runway than I am a coked up, anorexic, slightly bi-curious supermodel ready to strut her stuff!

Dream a Little Dream

I awoke this morning foggy headed and disoriented, not because of the fifth of Jack I drank last night while watching re-runs of Hawaii Five-O, but of the bizarre dream I had after falling asleep.

The dream started with an all too familiar opening sequence: Two members of The Crotch Wizards fighting over who gets shot-gun. In this case Dagromm was driving and The Q and I were arguing over who called it first. Gyuss was content with chuckling over the argument and chiming in a few inflammatory remarks here and there. The first thing that tipped me off that I was dreaming was that Dags wasn't driving his 1986 Ford Escort but a tricked out Cadillac Escalade.


We eventually headed for a black-tie dinner celebrating excellence in video game play. Apparently Q was being recognized for a lifetime achievement award. The funny thing was that none of us were wearing tuxedos. As might be expected, I was the best dressed in a burgundy coat with brown corduroy pants and paisley tie. Dags was wearing a Fila jersey, Gyuss was wearing a pair of mechanic's overalls, and the man of the hour was dressed like Thelma from Scooby Do.

Shortly after entering the main dinning hall for dinner, I found myself being "chatted up" by none other than Maureen McCormick, formerly Marsha from the Brady Bunch. It was obvious that she was diggin' what I was bringgin' so I played along for a little while. Eventually I had to cast her aside because nature called.

After draining the lizard I returned to the dinning room to find that two of my closest high school friends had purchased a table at the event. We visited for some time and I planned to ditch the rest of The Quad but my two old friends were about to leave the party and go to the gym. They told me they had a pretty serious work-out regime and today was the day they were to exercise their glutes.

Feeling a little uncomfortable, I ditched them and looked around to see if Q had received his award yet. Much to my surprise the night had wained and the event was already over. I began to worry that The Crotch Team left without me. They can be a jealous lot and I was afraid they may of spotted me with either Maureen or my old high school friends. I exited the dinning hall and found myself in Time Square. There was some news coverage that Dags, G, and Q had finally been arrested for crimes against humanity and I was watching it all unfold on screen. The funny thing is I worried more about finding a way home than what was to happen to my dear friends behind bars when they met their bunk mates.

Luckily my father showed up and offered me a ride home. He said that my mother had been worried sick about me because it was getting late I hadn't called home. We then decided to stop by the old creek, near my childhood home, to catch a few rainbow trout before heading back for ice cream.

Weird huh?

George Lucas, eat your heart out!

When Mrs. Cyber and I had our second child I was commenting to a friend at how similar Lil' Higgins looked as a newborn to Lil' Magnum as a newborn. My friend said that they had a like experience with their two boys but that their second son started to have his own distinct look at about three months old.

Lil Higgins turned five months yesterday and I happened to notice that he still looks shockingly similar to Lil' Magnum's five month old pictures. See attached evidence. I'm beginning to think that my wife and I have the unique ability to simply make clone babies!

Lil' Magnum


Lil' Higgins

The Mind of Man - Part 2

This is an excerpt of an email my old college friend, Braveheart sent to me yesterday. Braveheart and I have known each other for more than a decade and while we only talk three or four times a year it is amazing that we have almost identical taste in television and perhaps viewpoints on the meaning of life.



"...A few years ago I'd been on call for 3 or 4 days. I ended up working like 100 hours that 7 days prior or something crazy. Hadn't been home in 3 days. I finally came home, nothing to do for the next 2 days straight, and my wife was out of town for the weekend. So I sit down on my couch, wiped out, I turn on the TiVo, and there before me (because I hadn't watched TV in 10 days or so) sat recorded new episodes that I hadn't seen of the Sopranos, Carnivale, Deadwood, South Park, maybe a Venture Brothers, the Simpsons, a BSG, a Firefly that I missed the first time around, and the Family Guy. Plus there was even a second tier of stuff, like some History Channel's greatest disasters, Mythbusters maybe, or some other stuff.

I turn off the TV without starting any of them, go upstairs and sleep for 12 or so hours straight. Wake up around 3PM. Go out and buy a 6 pack of Guinness, a big ass bucket of KFC, and Ben+Jerry's. Came home, sat on the couch, with the above mentioned items, a trash can, and a roll of paper towels. Turned on the TV and . . . . People always say that your wedding is the best day of your life until your kids are born, and then that day is the best day of your life. I love my wife, and I'm sure I'll love any kids I have, but honestly? When I lay alone at night, between me and my maker, those next hours were . . . Yeah."


The best day of a man's life... Indeed.

Cybermen Rock

Need I say more?



Your welcome.

Celebrity Look Alike

I know that blog-country has been dying to know what I look like in real life. Like Superman, Batman, and other great heroes from history I must maintain my secret identity to protect the lives of those I hold most dear. But I recently came across this little bit of Internets fun. Perhaps this will scratch that itch for those that wonder about the real CyberD. And just so you know I'm not full of crap, I went ahead and threw in one of the more unfaltering of the 12 celebrity matches that came up.

Everybody Loves Lists!

In my last post a question was recently asked regarding what (if any) movie franchises should be considered "great" from start to finish. As I am a shameful lover of lists, I am taking it upon myself to provide the definitive answer to this question.

First off: I think it needs to be pointed out that very few franchises achieve greatness throughout the entirety of its volumes. For example, the first two Superman movies are greatness but the other sequels make the overall franchise a dud. The same goes for the Batman, X-Men, Die Hard, and The Matrix films... especially The Matrix. The first was genius, the rest were garbage. I think Spiderman was close to achieving greatness but the last film was just a disappointment.

I think the one caveat to this rule is if a franchise has a huge gap in time between productions. The newly imagined Batman franchise can stand alone and has a new opportunity to achieve greatness since the latest film rocked. Additionally, if you apply the same rule to the Star Wars franchise, the first three films qualify for the cinematic trilogy hall of fame. Finally, I think attention must be given to continuity. Nothing is more annoying than when plot continuity is ignored or casting changes are made willy-nilly! While it is no ones fault that Dumbledore had to be re-cast, it only hurts the Harry Potter franchise's chance at greatness.

My Top 5 in order from good to great...

5) The Bill and Ted Trilogy Anthology

4) A Fistfull of Dollars - A Few Dollars More - The Good The Bad, and The Ugly

3) Indiana Jones Trilogy

2) Star Wars Episodes 4-6

1) Lord of the Rings Trilogy

Please feel free to include your favorite two-parters, trilogies, septologies, and the like in comments.

Notes from The Road

This is what I know:

1) Airplanes suck.

2) Airports suck.

3) Rain is awesome on your yard but sucky at airports.

4) Ipods are filled with awesomeness unless the battery is empty.

5) Deoderant is awesome but even more awesome if the very large hairy traveler standing next to you had chosen to use it this morning.

6) ...and airplanes suck.

Is there a shrink in the house?

I had an unfortunate dream last night about Lil' Magnum and a school bully. The weird thing... well there are many weird things, but let me start from the top. First off, Lil' Magnum isn't old enough to go to school and has never been the target of a bully to my knowledge.

I think the source of this dream was when Mrs Cyber told me about her outing yesterday with Lil' Magnum. They went to toddler gymnastics and Lil' M was hit in the face with a hula-hoop by accident. She told me this story right before I went to bed so I guess it got me thinking about all the various encounters my children will be forced to have without me there to protect them.

Back to the dream. In this dream Lil' M is in school but he is still only two and half years old. All the kids are running around having a good time and I'm there talking to his teacher about something. I notice Lil' M running by when this big kid that looked about thirteen years old comes up behind him and whacks him on the back with a baseball bat. Lil' M starts to cry and I run to calm him down. The teacher comes to help and I run over and grab the kid. I start chewing him out like nobodies business, and I come as close to threatening the kid within an inch of his life without actually saying anything that would get me thrown in jail. I then ask the kid how old he is and he says,

"I'm four years old."

It is so startling that I wake up. So what the hell was that about? The only time I ever did something remotely similar was when I caught a teenager trying to kick my wife's cat. He nearly crapped his pants after I got finished with him, but that's a story for another time. I have to say, this dream makes me wonder what I am capable of and if I have it in me to just snap if I believed my child's well-being was in danger.

Not a fun dream all the way around.

You Might Feel A Little Pressure

I did my job. I made my contribution to society. I repopulated the earth with little cyber-tots and now it's time to look towards my own future. A wise man once said that one should never eat steak with cling-wrap around your tongue and I agree with him whole heartedly. But my marriage, my mental-health, and my mutual funds can NOT handle any more cyber-offspring... at least not any that I will acknowledge without DNA testing!

So the time is rapidly approaching where I will make that long slow march to the doctor's office so that he can... disengage the electronic fuel injection... so to speak. We haven't settled on a date yet but it's only a matter of time now. I've made my peace with it. I've consulted others who took the plunge. They didn't claim to have a problem with it. Nevertheless, nothing tightens the sphincter more than the concept of someone assaulting your naughty-bits with a scalpel. You go your whole life avoiding damage to your "commander-in-chief" and now you're expected to just flop it out onto some cold, harsh, linoleum table for some quack doctor to hack it off with a skill saw!!

Holy Christ on a crutch!!! What the hell is wrong with you people? Talk about crushing a man's will to live!!!!

I need a drink.

The Mind of Man

I was chillin' at home last weekend with the wife and kids. After the little ones had been tucked in for a good nights rest this conversation followed:

Mrs Cyber: I'd like to talk to you about what my women's bible study group discussed this week, CyberD.

Me: Sure, sugar. Lay it on me.

Mrs Cyber: Our study leader was reading about the differences between husbands and wives and how men are constantly being stimulated visually. This book said that men have a "visual rolodex" of sexy images playing in their head all day long. Is this true?

*Long Pause*

Me: Could you repeat the question?

Mrs Cyber: It says that men are always picturing an image of a sexy woman in their heads. Perhaps you remember seeing a pretty girl walking down the street or, heard a sexy voice on the radio or admired the nice outfit your administrative assistant wore that week...


Me: Or a favorite hot celebrity from television or film!

Mrs Cyber: Right! Wait a minute...

Me: Never mind that. Why would we have those images playing in our heads?

Mrs Cyber: I don't know I thought you would tell me.

Me: Well, sugar-plum. I can't really speak for other men but I have no idea what your bible study leader is talking about. I mean, how would I get anything done if I was constantly thinking about sexy women all day long?

Mrs Cyber: So you're telling me that you don't have images of pretty girls floating around in your head.

Me: Well, of course we are all bombarded by sexual imagery all day long, be it movies, television, magazine ads, or even the choice of clothes a co-worker wears. But how would I get any work done if I was allowing those images to rattle around in my brain? I mean, what benefit does that serve me? I spend all day pouring over spreadsheets, analyzing data, making calls to prospects, and having very detailed conversations about ongoing projects. I'm not sure I'd be very good at my job if I allowed some woman in a nice skirt to distract me.

Mrs Cyber: Well that's good to hear because I was starting to get really insecure after bible study.

Me: STARTING to get insecure?

Mrs Cyber: What?

Me: Never mind.