Have a Big Dirty Valentine

So Valentines has come and gone once again. The roses have started to wilt and the chocolates have now turned to those unwanted extra pounds on your body. Like most, I love Valentines Day. So much so I was too busy getting busy with my woman to post about it on the actual day. But this morning I had a very troubling experience. You know who I'm talking about... that's right... Big Dirty.

This morning I was taking my garbage out the alley when I notice Big Dirty curled up on my back porch shivering in his sleep... or maybe it was a drunken stooper. He was wearing only a blue blazer, a pair of tighty-whities, and some pink bunny slippers.

I attempted to quietly step over him, hoping I could dump my trash and get back inside before he woke up. Unfortunately Big Dirty has the acute senses of a bald eagle and he stirred almost instantly. The following conversation followed.

Big Dirty: Of course I love you baby! (turns head from side to side groggy) Oh hey, CyberD.

Me: Oh, hey. I was just taking out my trash.

Big Dirty: That's cool... Sometimes you got to kick the chicks to the curb.

(He proceeds to cough uncontrollably as he stands up and dusts off his blazer, covered in all manner of unidentifiable grime).

Me: So what are you doing here?

Big Dirty: Me? Oh... you know, just hangin' out. You want to go do something?

Me: I'm kinda busy. Gotta go to work.

Big Dirty: That's cool, I'll just hang here until you're done. We can go grab an Old Milwaukie later.

Me: I thought you were spending time with your lady friend this weekend.

Big Dirty: Oh yeah, we totally partied last night, but I decided that she was gettin' too clingy, man. Big Dirty's got to roll free and unfettered, ya know.

Me: So you broke it off?

Big Dirty: Well not so much me as... er... um...

Me: Oh! Dude. Sorry man.

Big Dirty: Nah... that's okay. I got to keep it real and all.

Me: So what happened to your clothes?

Big Dirty: I had no idea how conniving high school girls can be.

Me: What?

Big Dirty: Well, I decided to hit the Valentines Dance down at the high school. Ya know how it is. So one minute I'm rockin' out with some hot babes and the next minute I'm tied to a tree with no pants.

Me: You know high school girls are underage right?

Big Dirty: And fucking thieves too!

Me: Well, okay... so I guess I'll talk to you later.

Big Dirty: Totally, man. Call me when you're ready to get that beer!

Lunching with Big Dirty

It's not every day that you can have lunch with a local legend. Unfortunately for me it wasn't planned. I was going to have lunch with an old college friend yesterday. I went to the local Bar-B-Q and reserved a table for two. I waited patiently and watched as patrons filed into booths and waitresses rushed around busily working hard for the money.

It was just then that I caught the eye of none other than Big Dirty! I quickly turned my gaze to avert making eye-contact but it was too late. His long years of scanning bars for hot babes came in handy that day and my knowing look caught his attention. He kicked his head back, (a typical Big Dirty sign for hello) and flipped his Razor phone off as he strode over to my table. The following conversation ensued:

Me: I'm expecting someone.

Big Dirty: No prob, CyberD. I'll keep you company until they arrive.

Me: Well, errrrrr, okay.

Big Dirty: So, have you checked out these waitresses, man? They're totally hot!

Me: Not really, I come for the food.

Big Dirty: Gotcha, (he over-winks at me) the food. So what do you recommend? The chicken BREAST or THIGH!

(He cracks himself up and catches the attention of the waitress)

Waitress: I see your friend arrived, what can I get you gentlemen?

Me: Actually, he's not...

Big Dirty: (whispers to me) watch this...

Big Dirty: (to waitress) Hello there... (ogles her strategically placed name-tag) Mandi. Tell me, how good is your... pulled pork?

Mandi the Waitress: It's the chef's favorite and a very popular menu item.

Big Dirty: I bet it is! (he gives me the over-wink again)

Mandi: ummmmmm (looking at Big Dirty unsure of what to say)

Big Dirty: So tell me, I'm in the mood for some... smoked sausage. How are you at... smoking sausage?

Waitress: That's my personal favorite.

Big Dirty: I love it! You naughty thing!

Me: Dude, the girl is trying to work.

Big Dirty: She can work it all she wants as long as its for me.

Me: I'll have a water. Thanks, Mandi.

Big Dirty: How's your... Rubbed Chub?

Mandi: Don't you mean baked spud?

(Big Dirty is now cracking himself up and his shoulders heave up and down as he attempts to contain his uproarious laughter)

Big Dirty: No!

Me: I can't take this anymore.

Big Dirty: "That's what she said!"

I've never been kicked out of a restaurant before but there is a first time for everything.

Big Dirty is a Pro!

It's not every day that you run into the most over-the-top personality in the Metroplex and I've managed to do so twice in one month. It was a rainy Saturday afternoon and my son and I were getting cabin-fever from being in the house all day. I decided that we needed an outing and the brand spakin' new Bass Pro Shop had just opened up on the other side of the lake from where I live. When we arrived at the sprawling Mecca for all things "outdoor-sie" I noticed a familiar figure standing in the middle of the entry-way. It was none other than Big Dirty! He was staring up at a giant wall covered in dear antlers. He saw me out of the corner of his eye and greeted me in typical Big Dirty fashion.

"Hell yeah," he said.

"We keep running into each other," I responded.

"That's what I'm talkin' about," he stated as he pointed over to the wall of antlers.

"What are you talking about?" I attempted to clarify.

"Hunting big game. I'm all about hunting big game." He grinned from ear to ear as he watched a young woman decked out in all flannel walk past. He pointed both hands (mimicking two six-guns) in her direction and whispered "pow-pow."

"Nice," I said sarcastically.

"I see you got your little man-child with you again."

"You mean my son?"

"Whatever, let's roll." He replied.

We walked into Bass Pro together. I had heard that this store had a giant fish tank so I was taking my son there to watch the employees feed the fish. Big Dirty happened to be going in the same direction and he just assumed we were following him.

"You know next time we roll, you gotta ditch the kid." he said

"Roll what?" I replied.

"Ya know... roll for chicks. This is the perfect place to meet hot ladies. But you gotta be free and unfettered. Hot babes don't want to think you're tied down."

"I'm married, dude."

"Whatever," he said dismissively, "just don't call me dude."

"I thought you were all about the hot moms," reminding him of our last encounter.

"Yeah, hot moms are overrated. Don't get me wrong... hot moms are awesome and all but this is where the real action is at."

"What action?" I asked as I attempted to keep one eye on my son (who at this point was completely distracted by the enormous fish floating around the tank) I was glad he was distracted because Big Dirty continued to throw down some pretty dirty language despite my insistence that he stop. I guess that's why they call him Big Dirty.

"I'm talkin' about the butch broads, man. They're all manly and stuff so you know they don't get much action. But underneath all that denim and flannel, they're just as awesome as the next lady."

"You don't say." I replied awkwardly.

"Totally. Like this one chick in my office. She throws down the mountain boots and baseball cap so you know her phone ain't ringin' off the hook. That's when Big Dirty swoops in."

"So you're now referring to yourself in the third person?" I asked.

"You gotta stay on your toes if you're gonna run in my posse. Anyway, my only real concern is her pony-tail. Does that mean she's a lesbian?"

I look out of the corner of my eye and my son is headed for the video game machine. It was lucky for me because I'd had enough with Big Dirty at that point. "Um, I gotta go."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Like being a lesbian ever stopped Bid Dirty from making his move."

I headed over to the video-games and watched my son press on the buttons as he is still too young to actually play the game. Big Dirty must of decided that we weren't finished with our conversation.

"So you guys want to go get some pizza?" he asked.

"Pizza is awesome!" my son chimed in.

Big Dirty looked down and smiled, giving my son the thumbs-up sign. "You said it, kid!"

I suppose if my son had to pick up a catch phrase from Big Dirty, the word awesome wasn't too bad.

"Okay, let's go get some pizza," I said reluctantly.

"Great, cause you know what's best about the pizza parlor, right? The Babes!"

I rolled my eyes... Maybe that's why they call him Big Dirty.

My run in with Big Dirty...

I took my son to Toys R' Us this weekend. There are still a few more Saturdays left that my wife works so I've got to be creative with how we spend our time. I mean, I can't have him sit in front of the idiot box for ten hours straight... my wife would catch on when my son starts to only speak in catch-phrases from his favorite tv shows. Toys R' Us is great because of all the different kinds of crap kids can play with in the store.

You can imagine my surprise when I ran into Dagromm's good friend, Big Dirty. "How unexpected!" I said in a half-hearted attempt to sound interested in Big Dirty's weekend reason for being at the local Toys R' Us.

"Not as unexpected as you might think..." he responded with hands clutched in front of his belt-buckle.

"Okay..." I responded awkardly, "So... what's up?" I asked.

"Dude, did you know that TRU is the absolute best place to meet hot-moms?"

"What?" I asked in disblief.

"Like that one," said Big Dirty, ignoring my last question. He pointed his outstreatched arm to a young mother and her toddler as they made their way through the store. The young mother looked over in our direction as Big Dirty continued to stand there with pointer finger gunning her down like a sniper tracking its prey. "Ain't that right!" he called out to her. "I could totally hit that," he said to me as he ignored her fleeing from his pressence around the corner and down the Barbie aisle.

"What's your problem?" I asked dumb-founded.

"You know what the best thing is about moms, dude?" he asked, still ignoring my questions.

"I've got to go." I attempted to end the conversation.

"The've got experiance, ya know. Teenagers are over-rated." Big Dirty asserted.

"And illegal." I added.

"Yeah, that too," he responded only half listening as he stared down another mom who was pushing her cart through the store with two kids under the age of six.

Luckily my son insisted on playing with the Thomas the Train set, so I was forced to leave Big Dirty to his antics.

"Later." I said.

"You know it." he responded with emphasis on the word "know."