After 6 seasons of gripping television, LOST finally came to a dramatic two and a half hour conclusion last night on ABC. I can make a strong case for LOST as one of my all time favorites. In fact there are few shows that hooked me the way LOST has and even fewer whose finale proved to be satisfying. That's not to say LOST's finale didn't have its fair share of problems but - by in large - I was pleased with the questions it chose to answer and willing to accept the ambiguity of the questions it chose to side-step. As far as the ending itself is concerned, I told my wife that I just wanted there to be a happy ending. With so many of the main cast becoming casualties I hoped that somehow the creators of the show would bring some kind of meaningful closure to the sacrifices that everyone was forced to make. But we'll get to that. First I want to share my own interpretation of some of the series major questions.

1) Who are Jacob and The Man in Black?

We now know that both Jacob and The Man in Black have been with us from the opening of the series. At first these god-like characters weren't given full form. Jacob hid behind his faithful followers known as The Others, and The Man in Black only appeared as a menacing pillar of black smoke. To make matters more confusing our heroes assumed Jacob was a villain character due to the flawed nature of his followers The Others and how those Others treated the castaways. Eventually we learn that Ben's assertion of, "We're the good guys," at the end of season 2 wasn't entirely false. Jacob, while cryptic and mercurial, proved to be a force of good protecting the island and its mystical heartbeat - a glowing pool of light beneath an underwater cave. Meanwhile The Man in Black still remains somewhat of an enigma. I've read that the show's creators did have a name for The Man in Black, but for the sake of simplicity I'll call him Esau from this point forward. We learn that Jacob and Esau are fraternal twin brothers. But when Esau decides to turn his back on the island and kills his adoptive mother, Jacob turns on Esau and throws him down into the cavern and into the white light. While we are to understand the light is a source of great happiness and joy, we are also lead to believe that going into the light can lead to great torment. This myth holds true when Esau emerges from the light as the evil smoke monster. It is this viewers belief that what diabolical terror was to be had within the golden pool of light was released by Esau. The real Esau is now dead and the Smoke Monster takes the form of Esau as well as countless others as he tries to find a way of leaving the island. What remains are two opposing forces the good (albeit pragmatic) Jacob tirelessly working to keep the evil (and arguably cunning) Smoke Monster from unleashing it's power upon the world.

2) What are the laws of the universe that define the Island and it's power?

This question is really a catch all for questions like why Richard Alpert is immortal, why Jacob and Esau cannot hurt each other directly, How and why are people able to find or leave the island and much much more. I believe most of these questions can be answered with one of the final lines in the series. When Ben Linus suggests to Hurley that he could help Desmond find his way home, Hurley assumes that the laws of the Island preclude people from leaving. Ben asserts that such a law was "Jacob's way" and that perhaps now that Hurley is the protector, he can do things his way - that being to help others. So perhaps the reason why Richard Alpert is immortal is because Jacob the Protector can simply make it so. Perhaps the powers of the Island give it's protector certain abilities to define some rules of the Universe. The mother protector decried that Jacob and Esau would be unable to hurt each other and yet they were clearly able to do so. However, at no time in the series was a The Protector and the Smoke Monster able to hurt each other. Perhaps this is something the Mother Protector knew intuitively. In this way, Jacob was safe from the Smoke Monster until he convinced one of Jacob's own followers to summon him and then kill him.

3) What did the Smoke Monster really want?

In my opinion the gold light both held the secrets of life but also held trapped a terrible evil. But when Jacob killed his own brother, the evil was released from the underground cave. But this wouldn't be enough. The evil wanted to consume the world. Jacob, having realized his mistake now had two tasks set before him. He hand to continue to protect the golden light at the heart of the island but he also had to protect the world from The Smoke Monster. He did this by harnessing the supernatural power of the Island to keep the Monster there. This is evident in Jacob's conversation with Richard Alpert about the bottle of wine being the evil and cork being the island. For centuries the Smoke Monster believed his way off the Island was to kill Jacob. The Smoke Monster considered Jacob not only the Protector of the Island but also his Jailer. This proved to be a miscalculation. After killing Jacob the Smoke Monster set about trying to get all of Jacob's candidates to leave the island with him. He knew that if any candidate was left behind, they might become The Protector and once again trap the monster on the island. But when his plans unraveled the Smoke Monster changed his tactics. He decided to destroy the Island and planned to use one very special man, named Desmond, to do it.

4) Why did the rules of the Island change near the end?

Why did Richard Alpert start to age? Why could evil-Locke and Jack the Protector harm each other? Simple: The Island's power was snuffed out by Desmond. This meant all the mystical protections and rules were broken. Richard got gray hair and the forces of good and evil could now do battle. The one thing that would have allowed the Smoke Monster to leave the island was the one thing that made him vulnerable. Surely such vulnerability would have been one of the Smoke Monsters considerations before destroying the island. Perhaps when one goes back through the series and looks at the actions of the Smoke Monster they all begin to make some kind of sense. Perhaps every act taken was in an attempt to weaken Jacob. For the first time I am given some sense of closure to the death of Echo, a powerfully spiritual man who - in retrospect (as a Protector candidate) - would have been a terrible threat to the Smoke Monster.

5) What is the significance of the Sideways Reality/Purgatory?

In the end the Sideways Reality provided this viewer with the happy ending closure I desired. The big twist is that the Sideways Reality wasn't really a reality at all but a kind of post-death-limbo where the souls of the castaways reside before moving on to a better place. When Juliet dies and speaks to Miles, telling him that Jack's plan to change the time-stream and avert the plane crash, she tells the truth. After death Juliet would have a unique perspective on the limbo universe where all the ones we love are there for the finding. Juliet told Miles it worked because she was able to be with all those she loved again. For us long time Lost viewers some will cry foul with the use of any gimmick that even remotely resembles Purgatory. But that's because many were of the opinion that the Island itself was Purgatory. But such a device gives the series creators an opportunity to make good on all the relationships with our fallen heroes. Jack's father, Christian Shepard, said it best when he told his son that what happened on the Island was real and that those times together with those people were the most important in his life. This place, where the characters now find themselves, is a place of their own making where the people most dear can come together and move on with the one they love at their side.

Did this series answer all its questions? No. But what it did do was provide fascinating character study about love and loss, about virtues and vice, and about learning to overcome our own personal failings in an effort to live a life of redemption and purpose.

Real Men of Genius

I uncovered an email from an old college buddy describing a couple of admission essays from students applying to NYU back in the mid 1990's. According to legend the both were accepted and entered as freshman. If these are really true essays than my hat goes off to these real men of genius.

ESSAY QUESTION 3A - Are there any significant accomplishments you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, and I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dinning room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet. I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

FROM THE ESSAY OF ANOTHER STUDENT

ESSAY QUESTION 2B - In your own words, describe what you believe to be the meaning of the word courage.

This is courage.

I have to admit I really like both, although the first guy must really like to hear himself talk.

Top 5 Greatest Movies You've Never Seen

I saw The Wrestler last month. If you've seen it you should agree with me that it was most awesome. I hadn't seen Mickey Rorke in anything good since... well, I hadn't seen him in anything since I last rented Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man. Now that movie kicked serious bootie. And that got me thinking about some great movies that you've never seen. So let's begin.

5) Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man


You know those action movies with the straight laced hero and his wild and crazy hero friend? That's not this movie. Take out the bland hero and replace him with another wild-ass, butt kickin', crazy in the head alcoholic who is fighting to save one man's daughter against a band of rabid drug lords who have no idea who they're messing with and you have this rockin' 80's movie gone wild!

4) Face/Off


This is a movie with one of the most ludicrous premises I've ever heard of and I love it. It really is a guilty pleasure at the top of my list along with Maria Carey and Sour Patch Kids. You know that movie about the never say die police hero up against the crazy terrorist? That's not this movie. But if you take those two characters and surgically swap their faces along with relative body hair and vocal chords and then plop them into each other's respective worlds then you have one of the most guns-blazing, window shattering, compound-bone-fracturing, movies of its time.

3) Rosencrance and Gildenstern are Dead


You know that movie about two dumb ass retards that travel the countryside getting into all sorts of ridiculous trouble? No, not Dumb and Dumber... well kind of. This is if Shakespeare wrote Dumb and Dumber, and it's a damn fine flick. With Gary Oldman and Tim Roth playing the title characters you get two of the most dark and twistedly talented actors playing against type and making high English writing actually sound funny. Rent this!

2) Diggstown


You know that movie about the con man who changes his ways after falling in love in small town America. Take that movie and throw in a vicious rural tycoon, a very young and up and coming Heather Graham, and more double crosses than a twizzler and you have this movie. That and Louis Gossett Junior kicks ass.

1) Fandango


There really isn't a comparison for this film. As best I can say it's the first Bro-Mance before there was such a thing. As funny as The Hangover is... this is better. Plus it's probably the only Kevin Costner movie worth a damn. It's at the top of my list, isn't that enough for you to rent it?

Merry Christmas!

10 Things I Hate About The Joe Movie

You can imagine my elation when I first heard about the G.I. Joe Movie rumors from a year ago. Sadly as details slowly leaked out my fears grew and grew. But my biggest mistake was assuming the silver lining to this cloud was going to be lowered expectations. After all, I had seen enough really good movies this summer. What's one bad movie amongst fan-boys? So I went in with eyes wide open and no expectation that my favorite childhood franchise of ALL TIME would be any good. Sadly this movie managed to disappoint even my meager hopes and strain my sincere affection. So was there anything good about the Joe Movie? The action sequences were awesome and the casting of a couple of characters was pretty good or at least serviceable. The worst of this movie... well, I can only hope to scratch the service. So here it goes.

10) The Not To Distant Future: The only reason to make this movie set in "The Future" is to avoid explaining the ridiculous sci-fi stuff like, sonic-wave-rifles, Holographic lap-tops, and Hover planes they stole from the Terminator's garage.

9) Flash-back Faux Pas: Flash backs kicks ass and when done properly really broaden and deepen the mythology of a story in a very short amount of time. Too bad G.I. Joe couldn't flash-back their way out of a paper bag. For starters, you'd think they could manage just two separate back-stories, that of Duke and Snake-Eyes. No they choose to waste five minutes of movie in medieval Scotland and later bore you to tears with endless time spent on flat, emotionless, sequences on why The Baroness and Storm Shadow turn evil. Which brings me to Storm Shadow.

8) Storm Shadow: They almost get it right, but they play him more assassin than noble warrior. Even at his most evil, the comic always made Storm Shadow honorable. I'll admit they gave his character room to inevitably turn good in a later movie, but we can only pray another movie with this crew never happens. Yes, Storm Shadow is a good guy in the end. Maybe that was the confusion with the Baroness, but we'll get to her in a second.

7) Accelerator Suits: I knew going in that these were in the movie, but I didn't expect the CGI to suck so bad. At least make the characters look realistic. CGI has gotten to the point where I shouldn't be able to tell the difference between real stunt action and Buzz Light-Year graphics.

6) Destro: I'll accept the fact that Destro's mask in the comic was awfully animated, but that's all it was. A freaking mask! The man didn't have his skin turned into metal. Who comes up with this shit?

5) Rip-Cord: The reason his codename is Rip-Cord is because the original character was an air force paratrooper. He jumped out of planes, i.e. RIP-CORD!!! He wasn't Duke's side-kick. He wasn't a marine. He was already an the airborne. How hard is it to get even the broadest brush-strokes correct?

4) Evil Plans: So Destro goes to all this trouble to make NATO pay for his state-of-the-art nanites and then goes through the trouble of stealing them back from the government. Why not just over-charge and build more than the measly 4 missiles? And if Destro built the damn things in the first place, why does he need the Baroness' scientist husband to arm them, and why oh why do the highly touted cobra super soldiers fall down like a house of cards when Scarlett sneezes on them.

3) Sgt. Slaughter: Two words... Brendon Frasier.

2) Snake-Eyes: Almost everything about this character worked. I was even willing to ignore the casting of the vertically challenged, Ray Park. But why on earth include a line (at the very end of the movie) about Snake-Eyes taking a vow of silence as his reason for not talking. That's just destroying comic-book continuity for no purpose! He can't talk because his larynx was destroyed by a helicopter explosion!

1) The Baroness: The whole point of having a sexy, dominatrix, villainess is that she is an honest to God VILLAIN, not some corn-fed, all American, girl that's been brainwashed by her crazy-ass brother.

It's the economy, stupid!

These last few months have had me thinking... thinking really hard. Because I'm a democrat, ya know? I've been one my entire life but I just can't wrap my mind around this whole stimulus package. I understand how building a super highway from Los Angeles to Las Vegas can create jobs and thereby stimulate the economy and I'm in complete support of a universal health care plan, but I couldn't help but agree with John McCain on Meet the Press last Sunday. In fact, I've been saying it for months. It's the small business that is going to save this economy, not government jobs. No don't worry, sports fans. I'm not jumping ship. I still think we can blame the Bush Administration for the lack of regulation that led to robber barons running the banks into the ground. I still blame the republican party for allowing the types of huge tax breaks that lead to larger and larger conglomerates gobbling up small businesses by offering loss-leader price cuts that didn't allow the little guy to compete. I mean I'm Best Buy's biggest fan, but whose the competition anymore? Who does Wal-Mart compete with? Who do Compass, Chase, and Bank of America compete against? Who does Geico and Progressive compete with? What the hell has happened to the mom and pop shop that took care of you? I've spent hours on the phone with Verizon the last 4 months trying like hell to get them to take my debit card and charge me for Internet service. And every month they apologise and say their system will take my debit card this month. Too bad they will not let me pay by check, because I would have done that a long time ago. Only to now have a claims agents send me a FUCKING legal action letter for not paying my bill. So I should stop my Verizon service, right? It's not like Time Warner was any better, or fucking AT&T was any better than that. In fact the best Internet service I had was a dial-up modem telephone line in 1998. They were called Internet Texoma. But you don't find the small mom and pop business anymore. Too bad because if this country is to come back stronger than before, we damn well better make it possible for small privately owned businesses to compete. Damn, it there are days I just want to sell everything and move to a bungalow in the Bahamas!

Best Summer Show in Town!

With most TV programming on summer hiatus we are all now accustomed to the tired re-runs, boring re-treds, and experimental disasters that is summer television. But once in a while somebody gets it right. Every so often the planets align to converge on the perfect storm of delicious television goodness. Dancing with the Stars was just such a show and is now a mainstream commercial success. I am pleased to announce that I have stumbled upon another summertime gem. It will likely not have the mass appeal of half-naked dancers but it tickles my fancy quite nicely. I had plans to write paragraphs on the greatness of this program but I'll let it speak for itself. I present to you, Spike TV's: DEADLIEST WARRIOR

Taking Care of Business - Part 6

It's probably been over a year since I've released one of my world renowned articles from the Taking Care of Business series. Your wait is over. The good news is that I've been very busy since our last discussion. I have been reading Sun Tzu's Art of War. Let me just say, this is a great little book. It's especially useful if you're a feudal lord in ancient China. But you can also apply its wisdom to your career. Like how to motivate employees through torture and how to take your bosses job, through assassination. You may ask, how is work like war? A wise man once told me, that (in work) the only person that will watch out you for you is you. In this sense you can easily compare your struggle against a rival competitor, a nasty boss, or a scheming coworker as a war against your livelihood. In tribute to the great Sun Tzu, I like to call this nugget of business wisdom:

Work is Hell



There are so many great lessons to take from The Art of War so it was difficult to narrow it down to just three concepts. But if there's one thing my MBA class on public speaking taught me about good presentations, it's that you never give an audience more than three points to digest. For some reason even the most intelligent crowds can't seem to keep it together long enough to absorb four points. Perhaps in future issues we can delve deeper into this great work. For now, mull these bad boys over as you think about navigating the hell that is your career.

From Chapter 1: Laying Plans, Part 18 - Part 25

All warfare is based on deception. Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near. Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder and crush him. If he is secure at all points, be prepared for him. If he has superior strength, evade him. If your opponent is of choleric temper, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant. If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected. These military devices, leading to victory, must not be divulged beforehand.

How do we apply Sun Tzu teaching on warfare to our every day working life? There is perhaps no more important thread that runs through the Art of War than the importance of secrecy and information. You must always keep the enemy guessing and never reveal weakness. Perhaps more important is to never reveal strength. If you have an advantage, never flaunt it - lest it be wasted. Be opportunistic in your decision making and pay attention to the conditions of others. By making plans in advance through the control of information, you will be able to position yourself for great success while others around you, with more resources and experience, falter.

From Chapter 3: Attack by Stratagem, Part 18

Hence the saying: If you know your enemy and yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy or yourself, you will succumb in every battle.

This chapter on strategy is an extension of the first two chapters about careful preparations. In fact very little of Sun Tzu's work discusses the actual execution of combat. While I would be the first to admit that I far prefer action to planning, there is little doubt that good planning can make the difference in success and failure in your work. Here in chapter three, Sun Tzu reminds us that we can not limit ourselves to studying the enemy. We must look inward and examine our own self. We must be wary of our own weaknesses and be realistic when we plan our work. If we do not understand how our co-workers and clients perceive us than we will never be able to predict the outcome of our interactions with them. If you are able to properly self analyse than you are better prepared to predict the outcome of interactions at work.

From Chapter 6: Weak Points and Strong, Part 7 - Part 9

You can be sure in succeeding in your attacks if you only attack places that are undefended. You can ensure the safety of your defense if you only defend places that cannot be attacked. Hence that general is skillful in attack whose opponent does not know what to defend; and he is skillful in defense whose opponent does not know what to attack. O divine art subtlety and secrecy! Through you we learn to be invisible, through you inaudible; and hence we can hold the enemy's fate in our hands.

Again Sun Tzu speaks of secrecy and information, specifically through the art of deception. But deception can be tricky, especially in the working world. We always have to be mindful of legal and ethical standards. Unlike love and war, there are rules and guidelines we must all follow in our work. But where you can deceive your "enemy", without compromising your ethical standards or office guidelines, you will find opportunity to improve your chances of success.

Well, there you have it, folks. Your crash course on office warfare boiled down to three points. Let me know how your next corporate take-over goes after employing some of Sun Tzu's tactics.

I'm about to jump ship

I've been watching Heroes from the the beginning. I got hooked early on and have really enjoyed the ride. I was even excited going into the fall season when others were saying it was done after the strike shortened season of a year ago.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a fan-boy apologist. Meaning, once I embrace a program, I tend to stick with it through thick and thin. I tend to give a a great deal of latitude for it to screw up, become boring, and general suck up the screen. I'm also willing to give a show as mush as en entire season... sometimes two seasons before I pass final judgement. Hell, I'm watching Eureka, about to start season 4 and I still have decided if I like it.

Usually this patience is limited to science fiction and fantasy programing. I watched the first three episodes of Grey's Anatomy with my wife and told her "I'm OUT! This show sucks." Of course that may have been more of a chick-dude thing. Still, if it had been a chick-show with laser guns or dragons I probably would have given it more time.

Still, I'm proud of my sci-fi apologist stance on programing. Sometimes, given time you will find true gems. Farscape is a tremendous show that was cut down too soon. If more people had given it a chance, I am certain it would have been able to at least complete it's 5 year run.

However, I am sad to say that the last two episodes of Heroes has left me flat. I found myself saying, "Who the hell cares what happens to these ass-holes?" I'll not go into agonizing detail but one of the shows stars was put into a position where he had this season's villain dead to rights. The good guy could have put a bullet right between the bad guy's eyes. And guess what, he didn't do it! Whoop de freakin' do! You're such a good guy you aren't going to stoop to his level. How many times do we have to go over that ground. Heroes does it at least three times a season. After 4 seasons that's about 12 times too many.

For the first time I asked myself if I should give it up... I'm torn. Torn deep and I don't know what to do.

I love my TV

I love my new TV. I still love it even though I had to send it in for repairs recently. It's one of the more expensive pieces of property I own in my home. It requires tender loving care and no small amount of respect. Because Lord knows, she returns that show of love and respect in kind with hours of sweet delicious high-definition goodness.

But I am beginning to fear that I may be losing perspective. Last night I was sitting in my living room basking in her warm glow when my wife came over and sat down next to me.

"What's on TV?" she asked me.

My response was, "Dust."

I was lucky to get out with only one black eye.

Make it Fine in 2009!

It's been too long since my last post. Unfortuantely 2009 doesn't look like its going to be any easier than 2008. I am jam packed at work this week, although I'd prefer to be jam packed than layed off I suppose... Still, with two trips out of town, portfolio review, annual POAs, department staff retreat, and my city campaign launch event all in January, I'm about to pull my hair out. And now I just learn that I'm expected to run a F-ing workshop at the staff retreat! I'm about to go insane. Happy New Year!

Customer Support Nightmare

I love my new Liquid Crystal Display High Definition Television. But as luck would have it, the LCD broke within the first two months of having it. No problem. It's not only under the 4 year Best Buy Warranty. It's still under the 1 year manufacture warranty. So I called Sony. It was a terrible experiance. I was so mad I hung up on the girl - and just called Best Buy. They were great. About a month later I got a letter from the Sony Customer Support VP. It was a generic letter asking me to rate their service and to email him if I couldn't give a score above 9 or 10 out of 10. This is my email for your reading pleasure...

Dear Mr. VP,

Thank you for the valued customer letter. We have been very happy with our Sony TV product and were very disappointed when the LCD screen went out only two months into the ownership of the television. My only serious complaint is with your telephone customer service. When I called the service line - the lady who took my call was unimaginably incompetent.

I understand that technical support troubleshooting requires your employees to run through the various standard scenarios in order to rule out all kinds of common problems with the television. But I made it very clear at the onset of the phone call that I had already ruled out all the common issues.

Yes - the TV was plugged in.
Yes - I checked all inputs for functionality
Yes - I unplugged and re-plugged in the television
Oh and by the way - the TV doesn't turn on in the same way as usual. The "Bravia" symbol no longer appears. Instead there is a slow bleed of black screen into white screen with no picture, sound, or access to the menu features. I think something is wrong with the LCD.

I told your customer service rep this in excruciating detail within the first 5 minutes of our conversation. Over the course of the next 1.5 hours she continued to ask me the "standard" by-the-book questions. Questions that I had already preemptively answered for her. This alone was not worthy of my frustration but every time I answered her questions or asked a question of her - she would pause and say "Please hold while I check my resources." I would then wait for approximately 5 minutes EACH time. This happened probably 8 times over the course of the conversation. A few times I spoke into the phone "Hello? Hello?" (wondering if I was on hold or if she was still on the line). Half the time she was still on the line and would respond. Which makes me wonder why she wasn't checking in more frequently with me? I assumed by "checking her resources" she meant going down her computer check-list. I mean - how long does it take to figure out that your next question to ask the customer is "Have you un-plugged and re-plugged in your television?"

By this time I was really becoming impatient. I then just assumed she was a trainee - new on the job. So I asked to speak to a supervisor. She asked me to please hold. This time the wait was a solid 5 minutes or more. When she came back on the line there was NO SUPERVISOR. She asked me to conduct another trouble shooting technique. I told her I didn't wish to speak to her anymore and again asked for a supervisor. She went away for another 5 minutes before coming back again. And AGAIN - NO SUPERVISOR. Only this time she offered to ship a brand new television to me, no questions asked! I said, "NO! I want to speak to a SUPERVISOR!" She put me on hold again for another 5 minutes! When she came back she again offered me a new TV. I said, "No - I don't want to talk to you anymore. I want to talk to your SUPERVISOR."

By this time, my wife had checked our receipt and reminded me that we had purchased a special 4 year warranty with Best Buy. My wife had already used her cell-phone to arrange a Geek-Squad appointment for me later that night.

When your customer service representative returned to the line with (AGAIN) NO SUPERVISOR. I told her, "You're lucky, tonight madam. You're lucky I'm tired of waiting. I wanted to talk to a supervisor to tell him that you are either incredibly inept, or your training is incredibly inept. I wanted to tell your supervisor that this is the WORST customer support call I have ever experienced. But I am tired of waiting and I am ready to deal directly with Best Buy. Thank God I purchased a 4 year extended warranty otherwise I would be at the mercy of you and your inept ways!

Unfortunately I did not get her name. I did not get her employee number. So I am sorry that this email cannot help you any more than to share with you my very terrible personal experience . If I wasn't so incredibly angry by this point, I probably would have thought to ask her name and employee number. But based on the experience, I suspect she would have refused to give it to me.

I hope this email can serve some positive purpose. I pray that if I ever am forced to deal with your customer service line again, that such problems with your staff will be resolved.

Thank you,
Cyber D

Dune... What the Hell?

I decided to read Frank Herbert's science fiction classic: Dune. It didn't take long but I eventually crossed the critical 100 page threshold which commits me unequivocally. I was able to overcome the fact that Herbert didn't write his story in chapters. Did you know Dune is written as 400+ page running stream of consciousness with the occasional page break marked by bizarre mystical quotes from a character you don't see until the last ten pages of the book? I didn't. But I did something with Dune that I have never done before with any other book.

I skimmed paragraphs!

You may think this to be no big deal, but you have to understand how monumental this is. I've never skimmed anything. Not even text books in school. I just can't absorb books that way. I never have. If I'm going to get from beginning to end and understand the full story, I read every word. Word for Word... the entire thing. Otherwise I find myself skipping over critical bits of plot, or subtle nuances of character development.

But with Dune I finally realized (about 200 pages in) that Frank Herbert is one messed up dude. The man did (without question) a shit-load of pot. And occasionally this would manifest in bizarre meandering paragraphs where characters examine their navel's for undetermined periods of time. After the tenth time a character started babbling about some random cosmic connection to the universe I figured out that ultimately it didn't propel the story forward. I just needed to know that they were trippin'... nothing more.

Perhaps I'm not getting my point across. Here's an excerpt from the story.

"Whirling silence settled around Jessica. Every fiber of her body accepted the fact that something profound had happened to it. She felt that she was a conscious mote, smaller than any subatomic particle, yet capable of motion and of sensing her surroundings. Like an abrupt revelation - the curtains whipped away - she realized she had become aware of a psychokinesthetic extension of herself. She was the mote yet not the mote."

What the hell is that? That's the kind of shit I'm talking about. Other than these bizarre acid trips I enjoyed Dune. It is a fantastically creative story with compelling character drama wrapped up in a gritty science fiction shell with shades of religious underpinnings. If you enjoy epic science fiction and you are interested in a story that has spawned thousands of other writers, read Dune.

But you have been warned.

The Passing of a Legend

Critics have said he was clumsy with narrative and lazy with dialogue but no one can deny the power of Michael Crichton's ideas. From The Andromeda Strain to Jurassic Park Crichton's work has astounded and amazed, selling record numbers of copies and spawning one blockbuster movie after another. It seams nothing was out of reach for this creative spirit as he even touched gold on television with the current longest running nighttime drama in ER.

Sadly - like his award winning TV show (now in it's final season), all good things must come to an end. With America gripped by its most powerful election, Michael Crichton's death was a footnote on November 4th, 2008. He was 66 when a private battle of cancer took his life.

As one of the most successful science fiction writers of his time, Michael Crichton sold more than 150 million copies of his books. His page-turning stories attracted a broad spectrum or readers and was a major contributor in making science fiction a mainstream genre of entertainment. His stories often centered around technology catapulting man's greed and power into a high-stakes adventure with the fate of mankind in the balance.

I know I enjoyed reading his books, watching the movie adaptations, and being inspired by his ideas.

Peace be with you, Dr. Crichton.

We hold these truths to be self evident...

God Bless America. I usually don't let my emotions get the better of me, but last night I found myself saying God Bless America without even realizing it. I was overcome really... overcome with excitement, overcome with emotion, overcome with pride in our great country. Pride in my country has been in short supply lately, but I am so proud of what we as a people can do when we all work towards a common goal.

To know that our future looks a little bit brighter and that I did my part in helping to ensure that future, fills me with indescribable pride. As I look back on my life, I know that I will remember the night that the United States of America elected its first African American president. I know that it will stand up with only a handful of other history changing moments like the fall of the Berlin Wall. Only this time I can say that I had a hand in realizing this moment.

It is times such as these when you look back at the vision of our founding fathers and you realize that even they could not predict the greatness this country is capable of achieving. This truly is the greatest country in the world and it's time we put back the intelligence, respect, and empowerment that the office of President demands.

Last night all men were created equal at the highest level. God Bless America.

Lucky Charm for Hire

I'm making it official. I wasn't sure at first. Admittedly, I didn't think it would be fair to the candidates but with these tough economic times I have to think of my family first. That's why I am announcing to the media today that I will make my "lucky charm" services available to the highest bidder between John McCain or Barack Obama.

"What is this nonsense?" You may ask yourself. Please accept these facts as proof of my value.

Fall 1992: While attending college in Texas, maintained Arkansas residency and voted with absentee ballot. Result - Victory for Governor Bill Clinton

Fall 1996: After graduating from college returned to Arkansas to start working full time for small private college. Voted as resident of Arkansas. Result - Victory for President Bill Clinton.

Fall 2000: Having taken new job in 1997 and moved to Texas, voted as a resident of Texas. Result - Victory for Governor George W. Bush.

Fall 2004: Remained in Texas and voted again as a resident of Texas. Result - Victory for President George W. Bush.

I think I make a pretty good case for being the luckiest charm any Presidential hopeful can acquire. Let's start the bidding at $500,000. Winner pays for my moving expenses to either Arizona or Illinois.

The Politics Shuffle

I don't know why I care so much this time around. It's not like the Democrats have a chance of taking the 34 electoral votes in Texas. And yet I find myself drawn to the Presidential election now more than ever. Perhaps eight years and two Presidential elections with a man you know to be the wrong person for the job is enough to get anyone interested. But do you know that despite Barack Obama's current comfortable lead in the national polls I find myself still worried?

For years now the Republican Party has been so adept at tapping into the visceral psyche of the American people - coining terms such as "pro-life" and "liberal-commie". It is a vocabulary that appealed to two very large segments of U.S. citizens: Religious fundamentalists and Down-Home-Country-Patriots... to put it kindly. The Republican doctrine spread through the mid-west and deep south like a teenage frenzy at a Jonas Brothers concert. But why? I can understand why the lifestyles of the rich and famous gravitate toward Republican politics. It's in their best interest. In that sense I don't blame them one bit. But why would any middle and lower income families cast their lot in with a party that cares nothing for their well being? I have come to the distinct realization that unfortunately we cannot all be rocket scientists and the Republicans shrewdly capitalized on the common thread that ran between their two newly harvested demographics: A lack of intellect.

I have to admit that up until this race I was a fan of McCain. He has traditionally been a politician who (in his own words) "reaches across the isle" in the face of his own party's agenda. But like any poster-boy for the Republican party, temptation got the better of him. Most notably with his pick of Sarah The Barracuda Palin.

This woman is no more fit to be Vice-President than I am fit to be America's Next Top Model. Once again the GOP insults our intelligence by waltzing out what basically amounts to George W. Bush in heels as the Veep nominee. A candidate that doesn't even understand what the "Bush Doctrine" means. A candidate that is unable to provide a single Judicial ruling other than Roe vs. Wade. A candidate that is currently under investigation for abuse of power in her position as Governor of Alaska. But don't worry, America! She looks great with her hair all done up! Ironically, the move that sickened me the most may well be McCain's undoing - as he gave Palin just enough rope to hang herself in front of Charlie Gibson and Katie Couric.

And yet I find myself still worrying that our country's witless will once again prevail, despite all conceivable evidence to the contrary. To this day the Democrats have yet to find an answer to the Big-Mac-Sound-Byte-Newspaper-Headline style propaganda that embodies the Republican platform. This lack of a good come-back is in part due to the complexity of political problems in our society and the difficulty it takes to defend your beliefs when you are on the ropes. This is the position the Democrats have been in for the last 20 years. Sure we had those eight glorious years with a gifted statesmen and philanderer. But he's the exception that proves the rule, isn't he? It has taken an economic crisis of gargantuan proportions and a foreign policy that has made us the laughing stock of the rest of the world for our country to be snapped out if its malaise.

Now it looks as if victory is in sight. But as any blind monkey could predict, it is always darkest before the dawn. The latest coverage of the Republican rallies have been sickening. The McCain-Palin ticket have been playing to their base, which now resembles something between a monster truck rally and a white supremacist convention with spectators screaming for Obama's head, calling him a liar, a Muslim, and a dangerous terrorist. But I learned of the most shocking turn of events on the radio this morning. Apparently McCain was recently "boo-ed" at one of his own rallies. The man who I had respected up until recently finally allowed his ethical standards to get the better of him. As I understand it, he stopped a women from calling Senator Obama a Muslim and terrorist. He corrected her, calling him a family man whom McCain respects. They just differ in their political beliefs. And for this, the right-wing-base of the GOP boo-ed and jeered their candidate for President.

For me it is both a high point and low point in this race. A high point because McCain demonstrated he has the ability to stand up for truth and fairness even in the face of an angry mob. A low point because it saddens me that the convictions of these angry mobs have been allowed to pass as good-old-fashioned-American-patriotism.

And so I wait with eager anticipation, to proudly cast my vote in Texas for Barak Obama, knowing full well that my electoral voters will be giving their votes to McCain on election day. But I do it out of principle. I do it because at the end of the day, it is our single most important right. I do it in support of all those battleground states whose voters will turn the tide of American history.

They grow up so fast...

The Cyber Clan was sitting around the dinner table last night and I asked my 4 year old son what he did at school the other day. The following conversation ensued.

Lil' Magnum: I made animal noises at a girl today, Daddy.

Me: What did you do?

Lil' Magnum: Growl, Squawk, Neigh, Quack! Like that.

Me: What's her name?

Lil' Magnum: I don't know her name. She has a pink bow on her head.

Me: Is she in your class?

Lil' Magnum: No, I saw her in the lunch room.

Me: Is she pretty?

Lil' Magnum: No! (he says in a defensive tone)

Me: You should introduce yourself.

Lil' Magnum: What!?!

Me: Yes - Next time you see her just go up and say, "Hello, my name is Lil' Magnum. What's your name?"

Lil' Magnum: Baaah!! I can't do that!

Me: Why not?

Lil' Magnum: She thinks I'm a monster. She runs away.

Me: That's because you're not talking to her. Try talking instead of making animal noises.

Lil' Magnum: Nah...

Me: Oh... I see. So what do you plan to do the next time you see her?

(My son sits and ponders his options for a few seconds before responding)

Lil' Magnum: I'll show her my trick (He then stands up on his chair and sucks his belly in so deep that you can count each of his ribs individually)

Me: That's my boy.

Beavers over Trojans!

It was a tale for the ages - The #1 ranked Trojans against the unranked Beavers. Most wouldn't have given those frisky beavers a chance against the mighty power of the Trojan warriors but this is a rivalry that goes back a long time. And like many rivalry games - the statistics get thrown out the window and all bets are off because anything goes!


Yes, the Trojans are a high flying potent offense. They relish penetrating every defensive unit it comes in contact with. This team keeps its eye on the prize and is always looking for the end zone. They score points and lots of them. It would be easy for me to go along with the crowd and predict a victory for the Trojans.

But I also know that the Beaver defense is a tough nut to crack. They are stingy with yardage and teams have to work for every inch of ground they gain. They are merciless in the red zone and will block your attempt to score every time. And while they can play a tough ball game, they also have the talent on their squad to play a coy cat and mouse game, disguising their intentions and then sacking the ball-caller with a trick play.

A classic battle between two titans for the ages. It was a game that could have gone either way. But I had my suspicions that the Beavers will pull it out in the end. I know I preferred the Beavers over the Trojans. How about you?

Storm, Hannah Terrorizes East Coast?

I wish someone had bothered to ask me about the effects of the Hannah Storm on our eastern coast. Everyone said she was going to be disastrous. They said she would be relentless in her pursuit of destruction. They said she would terrorize the coast and devastate livestock and real estate. They said she was a unforgiving mistress of death and to beware her raw power.

As far as I know Hannah Storm is a perfectly respectable news caster with great camera presence, solid sports knowledge, and impeccable teeth. In the end Ms. Storm's trip up the eastern sea-board did very little to harm any one or any thing and I suspect she won over a few hearts and minds in the process.

McCain - Palin

I'm a democrat - always have been. I find the narrow minded social elitism of the republican party to be almost vomit inducing. For years republicans have painted democrats as communists always shrewdly avoiding the fact that republicans are far closer to fascists than dems are to commies. I never thought I would ever vote for a republican... until now.

The recent announcement of McCain choosing Palin as his running mate has caused me to call into question everything about politics. To be honest, I believe it is a genius move. I have had a tremendous amount of respect for Palin's work for many years. I cannot think of a more talented and funnier candidate for office and I feel now is the time to make the switch.

To be honest I don't really understand Michael Palin's qualifications for the position of Vice President of the United States - but you can't argue with a man that invented the genius of "I'm a Lumberjack."

Go McCain - Palin!!!!