Big Dirty is a Pro!

It's not every day that you run into the most over-the-top personality in the Metroplex and I've managed to do so twice in one month. It was a rainy Saturday afternoon and my son and I were getting cabin-fever from being in the house all day. I decided that we needed an outing and the brand spakin' new Bass Pro Shop had just opened up on the other side of the lake from where I live. When we arrived at the sprawling Mecca for all things "outdoor-sie" I noticed a familiar figure standing in the middle of the entry-way. It was none other than Big Dirty! He was staring up at a giant wall covered in dear antlers. He saw me out of the corner of his eye and greeted me in typical Big Dirty fashion.

"Hell yeah," he said.

"We keep running into each other," I responded.

"That's what I'm talkin' about," he stated as he pointed over to the wall of antlers.

"What are you talking about?" I attempted to clarify.

"Hunting big game. I'm all about hunting big game." He grinned from ear to ear as he watched a young woman decked out in all flannel walk past. He pointed both hands (mimicking two six-guns) in her direction and whispered "pow-pow."

"Nice," I said sarcastically.

"I see you got your little man-child with you again."

"You mean my son?"

"Whatever, let's roll." He replied.

We walked into Bass Pro together. I had heard that this store had a giant fish tank so I was taking my son there to watch the employees feed the fish. Big Dirty happened to be going in the same direction and he just assumed we were following him.

"You know next time we roll, you gotta ditch the kid." he said

"Roll what?" I replied.

"Ya know... roll for chicks. This is the perfect place to meet hot ladies. But you gotta be free and unfettered. Hot babes don't want to think you're tied down."

"I'm married, dude."

"Whatever," he said dismissively, "just don't call me dude."

"I thought you were all about the hot moms," reminding him of our last encounter.

"Yeah, hot moms are overrated. Don't get me wrong... hot moms are awesome and all but this is where the real action is at."

"What action?" I asked as I attempted to keep one eye on my son (who at this point was completely distracted by the enormous fish floating around the tank) I was glad he was distracted because Big Dirty continued to throw down some pretty dirty language despite my insistence that he stop. I guess that's why they call him Big Dirty.

"I'm talkin' about the butch broads, man. They're all manly and stuff so you know they don't get much action. But underneath all that denim and flannel, they're just as awesome as the next lady."

"You don't say." I replied awkwardly.

"Totally. Like this one chick in my office. She throws down the mountain boots and baseball cap so you know her phone ain't ringin' off the hook. That's when Big Dirty swoops in."

"So you're now referring to yourself in the third person?" I asked.

"You gotta stay on your toes if you're gonna run in my posse. Anyway, my only real concern is her pony-tail. Does that mean she's a lesbian?"

I look out of the corner of my eye and my son is headed for the video game machine. It was lucky for me because I'd had enough with Big Dirty at that point. "Um, I gotta go."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Like being a lesbian ever stopped Bid Dirty from making his move."

I headed over to the video-games and watched my son press on the buttons as he is still too young to actually play the game. Big Dirty must of decided that we weren't finished with our conversation.

"So you guys want to go get some pizza?" he asked.

"Pizza is awesome!" my son chimed in.

Big Dirty looked down and smiled, giving my son the thumbs-up sign. "You said it, kid!"

I suppose if my son had to pick up a catch phrase from Big Dirty, the word awesome wasn't too bad.

"Okay, let's go get some pizza," I said reluctantly.

"Great, cause you know what's best about the pizza parlor, right? The Babes!"

I rolled my eyes... Maybe that's why they call him Big Dirty.

Cha-Ching!

I'm a Pittsburgh Steelers fan. I've been one for many years. But in the last 5-7 years, I've acquired both an NFL regulation football and Manning jersey signed by the future hall of famer himself, Peyton Manning. Since that time, I have quietly (or not so quietly) wished this quarterbacking prodigy well on his road to greatness. If for no other reason than to have the value of my two sports collectibles go up! Over the course of the last several seasons Peyton has always managed to come up short and I have felt sorry for this multi-millionaire. Once again the football savant made his way to the AFC Championship game and once again it appeared that he might just choke. I found myself again cheering my heart out for the Indianapolis Colts, only this time, I realized I was cheering for the hopes of other individuals as well. Tony Dungy, Marvin Harrison... in general the entire Colts franchise. Could it be that I have unwittingly become a Colts fan? Perhaps. At the end of the game, when the Colts finally won the day, I was a happy football fan, and resigned in what might be now my second favorite team. Only the strangest thing happened at that very moment. As I was watching Peyton upon the championship podium, a thought ran through my head...

"I wonder how much my jersey is worth now."

So on the eve of Peyton's first Super Bowl appearance I say, "Go Manning and Go Colts!"

Riding High

A recent article by the illustrious Q got me thinking about a now infamous experience he and I shared over the course of a lunch hour back in the year 2000 (please read the last phrase like that dude from the Conan O'Brien Show).

Q and I often went to grab a bite while he was working in my office. This particular time we took my Sa-Wank company car - a powder blue Ford Taurus, Ching! There is this little burger dive in an old part of town that we enjoyed visiting, only it had us roll through a moderately sketchy neighborhood.

This particular time we were headed back to campus and I slowly pulled up to a stop-sign next to a 7-eleven. As I did this I could see a young man riding a bicycle down the intersecting street. Instead of going through the intersection (where he would have had the right of way) he chose to cut across the 7-eleven lot, and in doing so slammed into the passenger side of my car! Q screamed like a six-year-old girl and dove his head into my lap as the man's body buckled in half, with arms and torso sprawling across the hood of my car and legs flailing against Q's window. His momentum (now displaced by the powder-blue sex-machine) rolled down the right side of the vehicle along with the bicycle, leaving a long scratches and a very unattractive streak from his tennis shoes.

I did what any mild mannered driver sitting at a dead freakin' stop would do. I pulled Q's head out of my crotch, yelled "son of a bitch!" and jumped out of my car. The guy had popped up from behind my back-right tire, his long blond mass of hair swishing from side to side in a disheveled mess. He was probably in his mid thirties, wore a sleeveless Iron Maiden t-shirt and cut-off blue jeans.

FYI - Cut off blue jeans are always a bad sign!

He rubbed his three day old stubble as he groaned and looked over at me. The following conversation ensued.

Me: What the hell do you think you're doing?

Blondie: Dude, I've never been hit by a car before.

Me: You mean you've never HIT a car before. I was at a dead stop, a-hole.

Blondie: Yeah, man... I'm sorry about that. You like came out of no-where.

Me: I was sitting at the stop sign. (By this time I've walked around the car and seen that he's knocked my side mirror completely off). Look at the damage to my car.

Blondie: Yeah, man.

Q: (to me) Do you think he's okay?

Me: Oh yeah, are you okay?

Blondie: Yeah, I think I'm okay. Thanks for asking (Keep in mind, he's bleeding all over the back of my car as he turns to pick up his busted bike and begins to walk away).

Me: Hold up, Tex. This is a company car. I've got to call the police and file a report.

Blondie: What?

Me: You need to stay here while I call the police.

Blondie: The cops?

Me: Yes.

Blondie: Yeah, I gotta go home and grab my wallet. I just live down the street but I'll be right back.

Me: Listen. You do what you want, but I'm calling the police. You say you're coming back... that's on you.

Blondie: Okay... see you in just a second.

I go into the 7-eleven and the clerk says, "Man, that guy is not coming back."

Me: Don't I know it.

Two weeks and $780 later I get the Taurus back as good as new. Message to the kids: Don't do drugs.

The Quartet of Quartetness

Recently my dear friend Q was asked about how the Gyuss, Q, Dagromm, Cyberman relationship began and if there was a blog-bio on the subject. This interested blogger must have searched high and low for such a story and was saddened to realize that one could not be found. For this reason, and for others (namely to apologize to all my tender-hearted family members who dare to read the comments section of my blog and are stunned by the R-rated comments) I have decided to chronicle the story of this illustrious quartet - of which I am a humble (and most important) member.

The year was 1992 and I was just a young cyber-lad heading off to college. Like many, I was nervous about new friendships. Little did I know that 14 years later I would still be in regular contact with my freshman roommate. Gyuss and I couldn't have been more opposite when we started out. Aside from the general guy stuff like video-games, girls, and action movies, we were completely different people. Gyuss is known for his amazing chameleon like personality so he put his best foot forward when dealing with me and I was just happy to room with a guy that wasn't going to get drunk and puke on my bed every weekend. What formed from this unlikely pairing was a friendship that has stood the test of time. There have been some lean years recently with four states separating us, but that tends to happen with friendships. But when you've seen another man naked, watched him get arrested, witnessed the courtship with his future wife, witness his defection from one political party to another, and taken him to the hospital (like Gyuss and I have with each other) geographical distance is just a minor obstacle.

That same year we met Dagromm. I can't remember if Gyuss or I met Dagromm first but the resulting run-in provided an opportunity for Dags and I to realize we shared a common creative streak. This creative streak turned into an incredibly honest and deep friendship. During our four years in college we embarked on a two year project, during that time we laughed until tears rolled down our cheeks, we argued until one might think a punch would be thrown, and we have celebrated an undertaking that we still reminisce to this day. It is also the part of the spark for Dagromm's blog "handle" and an inside joke to me Gyuss.

Finally there was Q. One year after school I got a job back at my old college. It was good times because I had just married my wife, and gotten back in touch with Dagromm who was living in the college town. Q was just a boy when Dagromm and I first met him. Dags met him first, since Q was a regular patron in the store that Dags managed. When Dags told me about this wide-eyed-lad, and said he would have fit in greatly with our friendship circle in college, I was skeptical. Gyuss, Dags, myself, and handful of other college friends had an incredible friendship and I found it hard to believe Dagromm's claim. Much to my surprise, Q proved to be all that and more. Smart and funny with a touch of the bizarre, Q shocked and amazed us at every turn. Over time, each of us developed our own favorite Q story. Mine is not fit for blogger-country. But needless to say, he fits in just fine. Eventually Gyuss had an opportunity to meet up with the infamous Q and not surprisingly that friendship has blossomed. Now Q has turned into a twisted and depraved human being and I am very glad I got to know him when I did.

With three of us living two hours or more away from each other and Gyuss living across the continent, we have discovered blogging as a way to keep in touch in the most typical guy fashion. We talk about stupid stuff that has absolutely no importance in our lives other than to get laughs from each other! One can only surmise how this illustrious quartet will transform over the years and what greatness will come from it. Only time and historians will be able to tell.

Insurance

My wife has been seeing her doctor in preperation for the arrival of the baby for some time now. We changed insurance companies with my new job, back in October and the financial advisor for her doctor's office is just now telling us that (with the change) we now owe an extra $1,000 and that they needs it ASAP as we are supposed to be fully paid this close to the end of the pregnancy.

What a load of garbage. We told them that they knew about the insurance change in October and we could have had three months to spread out any extra payments. Now they're comming at us wanting the full amount ASAP? Forget it! They will get their money but it's going to take a couple of months.

The good news is I prepped my wife on what to say to our Doctor. Screw the doctor's accountant. I don't care what she thinks. So my wife mentioned ouf beef with the pencil-pusher to her doctor and she must have said something to her accountant because the bean-counter changed her tune.

My mother likes the saying "You get more flies with honey," but I'm begining to believe you get more flies by being a hard-ass and refusing to be pushed around.

My run in with Big Dirty...

I took my son to Toys R' Us this weekend. There are still a few more Saturdays left that my wife works so I've got to be creative with how we spend our time. I mean, I can't have him sit in front of the idiot box for ten hours straight... my wife would catch on when my son starts to only speak in catch-phrases from his favorite tv shows. Toys R' Us is great because of all the different kinds of crap kids can play with in the store.

You can imagine my surprise when I ran into Dagromm's good friend, Big Dirty. "How unexpected!" I said in a half-hearted attempt to sound interested in Big Dirty's weekend reason for being at the local Toys R' Us.

"Not as unexpected as you might think..." he responded with hands clutched in front of his belt-buckle.

"Okay..." I responded awkardly, "So... what's up?" I asked.

"Dude, did you know that TRU is the absolute best place to meet hot-moms?"

"What?" I asked in disblief.

"Like that one," said Big Dirty, ignoring my last question. He pointed his outstreatched arm to a young mother and her toddler as they made their way through the store. The young mother looked over in our direction as Big Dirty continued to stand there with pointer finger gunning her down like a sniper tracking its prey. "Ain't that right!" he called out to her. "I could totally hit that," he said to me as he ignored her fleeing from his pressence around the corner and down the Barbie aisle.

"What's your problem?" I asked dumb-founded.

"You know what the best thing is about moms, dude?" he asked, still ignoring my questions.

"I've got to go." I attempted to end the conversation.

"The've got experiance, ya know. Teenagers are over-rated." Big Dirty asserted.

"And illegal." I added.

"Yeah, that too," he responded only half listening as he stared down another mom who was pushing her cart through the store with two kids under the age of six.

Luckily my son insisted on playing with the Thomas the Train set, so I was forced to leave Big Dirty to his antics.

"Later." I said.

"You know it." he responded with emphasis on the word "know."

Join the greatest QB of all time

Not to be one-upped by Q, I'm in the running for that sketch of a burger!

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind.

It was shortly after the Q's virtual-reality-internet-new-year-party that we got to sitting around and talking about new year resolutions. In the spirit of the season I too have decided that it's time to dust off the shame of 2006 and look at 2007 with a fresh perspective. Time to put that best foot forward, get out on the right side of the bed, stop and smell the roses, and all those other fresh start things! With that said I am excited to announce my oh-so-important resolutions for the coming year.

1. In 2006 I had this nagging problem of being right all the time. It's terribly annoying to me personally to always anticipate outcomes far in advance of everyone around me. For others, this habit really makes me out to be a know-it-all. In 2007 I will strive to not always be right.

2. I've managed to get my wife pregnant two out of the last three years. This has caused the birth of my first born son, Lil' Magnum and soon to be his younger brother, Lil' Higgins. While the love that surrounds the cyber-household has grown exponentially these last few years, it does tend to put a strain on the pocket-book. In 2007 I pledge to not impregnate my wife with any more "Cyber-Babies."

3. I spent a good portion of 2006 planning the demise of a certain former supervisor. It's amazing how much assassination actually costs and since I will never really be able to afford it, I'm turning over a new leaf. In 2007 I promise to not waste any more time planning that lunatic's death.

4. In 2006 I started this blog and its popularity swept the nation like Paris Hilton in hot-pants. Unfortunately for the readers of The Wheel they only managed to cherish 9 months of blogging bliss. In 2007 I am committed to giving you loyal readers twelve terrific months of blogging genius.

Happy New Year!

What Type of Super Hero Are You?

Your results: You are Superman



Superman 75%
The Flash 75%
Robin 68%
Wonder Woman 63%
Supergirl 58%
Green Lantern 50%
Spider-Man 40%
Hulk 25%
Catwoman 25%
Batman 20%
Iron Man 20%

You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.

So this was a link I found at The Cave of Gyuss, so go check it out and post your own superhero story. I find this to be quite interesting for three reasons.

1) I'm F-ing Superman which is bad-ass.
2) It says I'm also 63% Wonder Woman, 58% Supergirl, and 25% Catwoman which is totally hot.
3) If you add up all the percentages it makes me 519% Superhero which is so true about the greatness of me! Wait a minute... did I read that wrong?

My Top 3 Songs of All Time

A final throw-back article from the old DUI.com. A little look back into the nostaglia of a young man's life and how music played its part.

1. You Shook Me All Night Long
AC/DC

There is a time in every young mans life when the exhilaration of freedom is bestowed upon him. A day where nothing in the world matters more than the independence one feels when the officer of the state awards him the single most important document in the history of civilized society: the drivers license. Everyone has their own special memory of that time in their life. Mine is inextricably intertwined with the greatest AC/DC song of all time. There are few things that capture the youthful exuberance of being sixteen and behind the wheel of your first car. Flying down the highway, doing twice the legal speed limit, with the windows down, and the radio up, listening to your favorite song. The song that made being behind the wheel more than just a drive. For me that song was You Shook Me All Night Long. Between the sledgehammer poetry of the lyrics and the sheer artistry of the electric guitar, nobody can ever come close to capturing the raw energy of AC/DC’s greatest hit. The notable predictability of the drums is even forgiven when listening to this all time great. Every man has felt the thrill that only his favorite driving song has to offer. Every man longs to capture the spirit of that moment again. All I have to do is pull out the Who Made Who album and hit track number two.


2. What It Takes
Aerosmith

When ranking the greatest songs of all time it is inevitable that I return to my high school years in the search. There is no other time when music matters more. It ranks at the very top of every man’s list along with cars, women, and sports. Okay, so these things remain pretty important throughout a man’s life but never again is so much time dedicated to these four endeavors. How many times did I spend with the guys cruising around town after the football game looking for that elusive girl in the mustang convertible on a Friday night? Far too many to remember. The score of the game, the name of the girl, the make of my best friends car all escape me now. But I do remember the songs. The songs that we listened to over and over again are the ones that stick. The songs that, to this day, I stop whatever I’m doing and sing along at the top of my lungs. There are few albums that have received as much play on my stereo as Aerosmith’s Pump album and the best song on the album is What It Takes. It is a powerful ballad that showcases the talents of the entire band. The pitched singing of Steven Tyler, the confidence of Joe Perry, all are at their best in this all time classic. It captures the spirit of angst in a relationship gone awry. It speaks to the very hart of unrequited love and epitomizes the best of rock and roll. So next time as you flip through the CD racks and all you can remember from the late 80’s is bad hair band metal. I encourage you to pick up a copy of Aerosmith’s song What It Takes and reintroduce yourself to the best that rock and roll has to offer.

3. Ants Marching
Dave Mathews Band

Everyone has a story about being a fan of a band’s music before that band hit the big time. Most of those people are lying through their teeth. There are very few who can claim that they listened to The Dave Mathews Band when they were playing college campuses across the east coast. Unfortunately I am not one of those lucky few. Fortunately, a good friend of mine was and he put me on to The Dave Mathews Band during the summer after our first year in college. So I am proud to say that I was on the cusp of The Dave Mathews Band mega fan base. I was lucky enough to see them live at a “standing room only” concert in Dallas, Texas. It was their first major tour for their album Under the Table and Dreaming. They performed my favorite song that night, Ants Marching. It had been revised from my first hearing of it that summer prior to the concert. My friend owned the hard to find Remember Two Things album. Back then you were lucky to find Dave Mathews on the shelves at all. Hunting for the original version of Ants Marching was for me the Holy Grail of song searches. I eventually found the album in a Los Angeles record store the following summer, a few months before the album could be found in every Wal-Mart across the country. Ants Marching from Remember Two Things was and still is worth going half way across the United States to find. The Dave Mathews Band is the modern day bard, commenting on society through a masterful performance by every player. Carter Beauford’s performance is a kaleidoscope of dizzying percussion. Leroi Moore handles the Saxophone with smooth style only matched on the streets of New Orleans. Stefan Lessard hammers away on the bass like the big band musicians of the twenties did on the cello. If you haven’t seen the violin played like an electric guitar than you haven’t seen the talent that is Boyd Tinsley. Last but not least the guitar and vocal talents of Dave Mathews himself round out the excellence and uniqueness of their single best song. If you haven’t heard Ants Marching from Remember Two Things then you haven’t heard Ants Marching.

A Streak Ends

After 11 glorious years I am very sad to announce that my long-standing streak of never having to worship at the foot of Mr. Tidy Bowl has come to an end. As a part of the pestilent bio-hazard that my in-laws used to curse my family it turns out a nasty stomach virus was part of the package. I haven't wretched like that in my entire life and I hadn't blown chunks at all since the fall of 1995 when I got food poisoning in college. Thanks again for a wonderful Christmas visit, Jane and family!

Biological Weapons

Reports of my demise are grossly over-estimated but the people's press of The Wheel mus inform you that contagion has struck at the highest ranks in the form of my very own niece and nephew. The entire Cyber-Family is down for the count and while I had been in hiding during the holidays, I am now officially on my last cyber-leg.

Now for the real story: I went to my mother-in-laws place for Christmas this year. My wife and I were very nervous because my wife's sister (Let's call her Jane) told my wife that her two children had been passing the croup back and forth to each other for the last several weeks. Mrs. Cyberman attempted to persuade Jane to not come to family Christmas since Jane's whole family was sick AND Jane had converted to Judaism anyway when she married her husband. My wife hadn't seen her twin brother in 12 months so we were going hell or high water. Unfortunately we knew we were playing with fire since Jane and her family decided their family illness was not worth keeping them from coming either. I'm now to exhausted to finish this story. Long story -short. My son, wife, and I are all nasty sick.

The Corner and The Cave Change Message:

This just in. Spies of The Wheel in Space are thrilled to report that Commander Q and Colonel Gyuss have already begun their 180 degree turn on the message to their troops. In an effort to turn their own defeat into comedy they have begun releasing this motivational poster. The end is truly in sight!

News from the front lines:

The army of cybermen from The Wheel have been deployed behind enemy lines into the very heart of the combined forces of our enemy. Our glorious leader, Dagromm has given this important mission to those he trusts most to achieve victory. The communications detail of the cyber-force has provided some rare footage of actual combat to demonstrate the might and power of this glorious alliance between The Wheel and The House.

Here you see the forces being deployed at night as they make their way towards the enemy. It is with great pride that The Wheel provides you with never before seen pictures of the Cybermen in their newly designed body-armor.

Here you can see our brave forces leaving a swath of destruction in their path. No enemy is being taken alive as we burn to the ground every last enemy complex.

Our forces are seen here securing the city and making it safe for civilians to once again walk at night.

This young cyber-soldier was decorated for his bravery as he breaks into one of the secret lairs where Colonel Gyuss housed secret war documents.

This rare footage was taken just before the capture of a key leader of one of the many terrorist cells of the enemy.

Finally our cyber-troops cut loose after battle with a little free-style rap. The Wheel in Space is all about keeping moral high and reminding the brave soldiers why they are fighting: For Freedom!

A Deal with Dagromm

The elite forces of The Wheel in Space have come to agreement with the Commander and Chief of The House of Dagromm. We have joined forces to form the greatest alliance that has ever been seen! The Minister of War for the The Wheel is optomistic about a recent influx of resources and how it will turn the tide of the war.

Bombs reign from heavan!

The Wheel feels compelled to address the horrors of the blog-war going on in it's neighboring blog-countries of The Corner and The House. We have attempted to remain neutral in this conflict, placing our medical and educational resources at the disposal of both nations. However it appears that by helping both sides, neither considers The Wheel an ally. It is with great sadness that I am forced to announce that The Wheel is now accepting bribes for our blog-war affection. Where shall we start the bidding?

Birthdays

We're very busy at The Wheel today. Business is booming so you can expect more action packed blog-posts like this one in our future.

I would like to give a very large shout-out to my lovely wife, Cyberwoman. She turned thirty-something today and The Wheel wishes her a very Merry Birthday, a Happy Christmas, and a Festive New Year. Much love to you on this special day.

Let the Good Times Roll

In honor of all things super-hero-ey I have created what could only be described as the Worst Super Hero Team in the history of history.

Meet The Z-Men!

Name: Doctor Z
Alias: Dr. Yolan Zoanan
Ability: Math
History: Dr. Yolan Zoanon is the founder and mentor of the Z-Men. He founded the Z-Men so that even the stupidist super-powers could recieve the respect and admiration it deserved. Yolan was a young boy in middle school when one day he realized that he could do long division in his head regardless of how large or small the two numbers being used. Yolan attempted to apply this unique ability to addition, subtraction, and multiplication but it didn't work. However, his uncanny ability was acknowledged by the hero community. Too bad it's wasn't good enough to recieve an invitation to join a respectable team.

Fan Favorite Moment
Captain Ham: Damn this confounded restaurant rule! The Cheesecake Factory refuses to split the check for parties of more than 6 people!

Dr. Z: Not a problem, Captain. With a little long division I can split that check as easy as my ex-wife's lawyer split my bank account!


Name: Dirk Armstrong
Alias: Captain Ham
Ability: X-Ray Vision
History: Dirk Armstrong is the acting leader of the Z-Men. Dirk was one of the first pupils Dr. Z ever instructed. With natural good looks and the gift of leadership, Dirk was destined to lead a super-team, accept for that little problem with his super-power. It all started in college. As the football team's quarterback, Dirk was going over the passing plays in the cafeteria one afternoon. Before he realized what had happened he noticed that he could no longer see the large pork-chop resting on his plate. Too bad his x-ray vision was limited to pork products. Senseing that being a super-hero was his destiney, he applied for all the major openings across the country. Unfortuatnely everyone turned their nose up at him.

Fan Favorite Moment
Captain Ham: Stand back, Ma'am. There appears to be some trouble in the meat market!


Name: Cindy Woods
Alias: Lady Flybird
Ability: Levitation
History: Cindy Woods learned of her super power while she was performing as a cheerleader on the sidelines of a football game. On that fateful day the cheer pyramid came crashing down by accident and Cindy was about to eat asphalt when she miraculously stopped in mid-air only one inch from the ground. While she was ostracized as a freak amongst her peers she attempted to hone her new found skill. Unfortunately her powers of levitation stopped and started one inch off the ground. This blonde bombshell is not only the team's flying wonder but she is also Captain Ham's girlfriend. The two have had a heated on-again-off-again romance ever since she joined the group following her high-school graduation.

Fan Favorite Moment
Captain Ham: Respect you? I'll respect you ten times more!

Lady Flybird: Okay, Dirk. But just this once.


Name: Chris Shoemate
Alias: Kid-Curious
Ability: Willpower
History: Chris Shoemate is a dashing young man from the San Francisco bay area. Chris slowly came to grips with his special power as a young boy in school. Even then, Chris initially tried to deny his destiny as a super-hero, joining a small repertory theatre, in an attempt to make it as a stage dancer. However, he could not deny the fact that no matter how attractive, sexy, or sensual the women around him were, he could always resist their feminine wiles. He marveled at this amazing ability to withstand the fair sex and he eventually came to grips with the fact that he could use this power to fight evil. It took some convincing, as most super-teams refused to even acknowledge his powers as super-human, but eventually Chris found his place on the Z-Men. Even now, he still faces prejudice by his own teammates as he struggles to fight for equality as a super-hero.

Fan Favorite Moment
Lady Flybird: But, Dr. Z. We haven't been able to catch Madame Sexy. She is too elusive. We need someone to act as bait for her next criminal seduction.

Kid-Curious: Don't worry, Dr. Z. I'll bait her with my good-looks and then use my special power to resist her feminine wiles.

Captain Ham: Dude, how many times do I have to tell you that isn't a super-power. Special maybe, but not a super-power.

Kid Curious: Dr. Z! He's doing it again!

Name: Julia Gomez
Alias: Cat-Walk
Ability: Symmetry
History: Julia Gomez was both a stunning beauty and naturally talented artist. In fact she put herself through art-school by modeling on the runway. It wasn't until she started her course-work in college that she realized her natural ability as an artist extended beyong the normal because she had a natural gift for symmetry. She always could artistically balance images in a semetrical and pleasing way. To the naked eye, she was a gifted artists, but to the art community she was a freak-show. She dropped out of school in shame but luckly found Dr. Z and the Z-Men. Now she puts her super-power to symmetrically good use.

Fan Favorite Moment
Lady Flybird: Confound that interior decorator. He left without finishing the job!

Cat-Walk: Don't Worry, Cindy. With just a few minor adjustments, your living space will have the proper flow you were looking for.

Name: Greg Gunderson
Alias: The Groundhog Avenger
Ability: Shapshifting
History: Greg Gunderson came to his super-power late in life due to an unexpected brush with a nuclear power-plant near the Badlands of South Dakota. Greg, an environmentalist and hiking buff, was on one of his monthly outings when he came across a nuclear power station. Long story short is that he and a nearby ground-hog now share DNA, making Greg the recipient of a new-found shapeshifting ability. Unfortunately he can only turn himself into a groundhog. It doesn't sound too impressive but Greg has become an invaluable member of the Z-Men, getting the team out of all kinds of trouble.

Fan Favorite Moment
Kid-Curious: Blast these infernal weathermen! I don't know if I should go clubing tonight in my tank-top or my turtle-neck.

The Groundhog Avenger: Hold tight there, Chris. I'll just dash outside and let you know if we can expect 4 more weeks of winter!

(Pictures are not the property of The Wheel in Space and have been borrowed from other websites and lovingly used as creative flare for this article)

How Do You Like Me Now?

Pick a band and answer these questions using song titles by that band only: Toby Keith


Are you male or female: Who's That Man
Describe yourself: Angry American
How do some people feel about you: I Wanna Talk About Me
How do you feel about yourself: As Good As I Once Was
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: Wish I Didn't Know Now
Describe where you want to be: I Aint Already There
Describe what you want to be in: I Love This Bar
Describe what you want: A Woman's Touch
Describe how you live: Next Thing On My List
Describe how you love: A Little Less Talk and A Lot More Action

(A Tribute for The Q)

Car Trouble

Dear Lord in Heaven! My wife is a very smart woman. She started her own business, has a masters degree, raises our child (soon to be children), and reads nothing but non-fiction. Does that not scream intellectual? So what is the deal with the car? We took a road trip to see my parents this weekend and I drove her car for the first time in many months. The car started shaking at high speeds and also shook severely when I hit the brakes. I asked her how long this had been happening and she said, just a couple of months.

A couple of months!?!

A couple of months is a couple of months too long in my book. She said she knew that we should get it fixed but that we were trying to save money and she hoped we could wait until after the holidays.

"That's not going to work," I said. Let's get it checked out. So I took it in today. To top it off, I had to rent a car for the day, skip my early morning Wednesday workout, and the entire process made me three hours late for work. Damn, that was inconvenient.

To add complete insult to injury I got the call from the garage. Brakes and tires for a grand total of $500! Go F-ing figure. I guess what's really eating at me is that my wife and I have exactly three months left of her working before the baby arrives. That's three months to make absolutely as much money as possible so we can pay off as much debt before we have to go into frugal mode. This little trip to the garage just makes that all the more difficult!

What does this say about me?

Q did it and G did it so I'm doing it and I enjoyed reading theirs and the kind of picture it paints about who they are. I wonder what people will think when they read mine. If you only read the things I've done I think it paints the picture of me as a real asshole. Oh well. This is me...

Copy to your blog and bold the things you have done.


01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse (annular and lunar)
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert” (Q remember this?)
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised (Raising... who's counting?) children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic (wouldn't describe it as exotic) bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart (As gently as possible)
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

Album Review - Tenacious D

In tribute to the recent release of the Tenacious D movie, The Pick of Destiny, I'd like to respectuflly re-post another throw-back article from the old DUI.com. Readers of The Wheel, if you haven't experianced The D, I highly recommend it.



Tenacious D "Tenacious D"
Release Date: September 25, 2001
Certification Status: Gold on July 2, 2002
Chart Peak Position: N/A
Singles and Chart Positions: N/A

Track List:
1. Kielbasa
2. One Note Song
3. Tribute
4. Wonderboy
5. Hard F***ing
6. F*** Her Gently
7. Explosivo
8. Dio
9. Inward Singing
10. Kyle Quit The Band
11. The Road
12. C*** Pushups
13. Lee
14. Friendship Test
15. Friendship
16. Karate Schnitzel
17. Karate
18. Rock Your Socks
19. Drive-Thru
20. Double Team
21. City Hall

My Opinion:
Once every so often a band comes along that makes rock n’ roll fun again. At the dawn of the new millennium Tenacious D exploded onto the music scene with “Wonderboy”, a moving power-ballad about a swashbuckling super hero and his nemesis Young Nasty Man. “Wonderboy”, the flagship song of the band’s record was only one of many masterful songs on their self-titled album. The irony of this stirring album’s origin, as well as the band that penned this CD of poetic tunes, was that in a world of punk-metal-hard-rock-grunge amalgams that all take themselves far too seriously, the talented duo of Jack Black and Kyle Gass managed to tap into the excitement and passion of rock n’ roll enthusiasts across the nation through comedy.

Yes, Tenacious D is nothing more than a rock music punch line and yet they are so much more. If you knew Jack Black from his higher profile endeavors in Hollywood before you listened to his music then you might not be surprised by his lyrical musings. Kyle Gass, a considerably lesser-known actor, is also an artist in the comedic genre. What they have combined to create is a real life caricature of rock music and musicians. However this rock n’ roll figment is no more a figment then any other creative enterprise that grew from the momentum of its own loyal following. Their tours have sold more tickets than some “real” rock bands and their album can be found on more CD racks than many “legitimate” artists. I use the words “real” and “legitimate” in quotes because while, Tenacious D isn’t a band in the normal sense of the word they are more talented and inspirational than most current bands in the business. The result is a living, breathing version of Spinal Tap.

Of course, like Spinal Tap, Tenacious D may not be for everyone. My wife and I, for instance, have completely different tastes and she is often bored to tears by my choice of music, television, and movies. However, her twin brother, a musician himself in the Reno Nevada area, loves “The D” and put me on to the band in the first place. My recommendation would be to check it out for yourself. Who knows, you may find that you can’t get enough of “Wonderboy”, “F*** Her Gently”, “Rock Your Socks Off”, and “Tribute” to name a few. The album is packed full of hilarity while at the same time being an outstanding work of musical craftsmanship. Just be sure to tell your friends you heard about it here first.

To wait or not to wait...

Like many married couples we alternate years we spend December 25th celebrating Christmas between her family and mine. Since this was the off year, my family had the bright idea of getting together this weekend. Good times were had by all and I managed to score the dvd of the third x-men film. Unlike Dags, I enjoyed this movie and was glad to complete my collection, if for no other reason than to just complete the collection. However, it got me thinking about the content of one's DVD library. You see I've now got the third x-men film and I have yet to purchase single Harry Potter movie.

Of course one man's trash is another man's treasure, so I'll not debate the merits of X-Men 3 the Last Stand, but it does beg the question why I don't have far suprerior movies in my library. For me, I think it is worth while to wait for a movie series to come out in a multi-pack but it has come down to my level of patience and my knowledge of the movie's plans for a sequal. When X-Men came out I thought it was genius and I had no knowledge of planned sequels, so when it arrived on DVD, I snatched it up. It therefore predicated my purchasing the remaining DVDs individually as I am completely against owning multiple copies of movies.

In a different situation, Harry Potter is an even better movie franchise of which I don't own a single installment. Mainly because I assumed/knew that they would make all seven books into films and I assume/know that there will be some jumbo pack that probably has some cool special feature. So I will have patiently waited for an entire decade before owning a single Potter film.

To add one more wrinkle to the mix, what if you really can't stand certain installments of a series and don't want the entire collection? Does that make your video library incomplete or a movie purist? I own the first two Superman movies and will probably never own an others.

I'm a fan of Pirates and have already purchased the first one, I guess that means I should go ahead and buy the next one, even though I'm sure there will be a three pack.

I loved the 1st Spider Man movie but just before I was about to purchase I learned of the sequals. I still don't own the first two. Am I wasting time not purchasing movies when I want them or is there value in the multi-pack?

The world may never know!

Why Britney Spears is Overrated

I'd like to point out that I originally wrote this article in the summer of 2004. One might think me pre-cognitive for how far this young lady has fallen. But certainly nobody is now surprised that this pop princess was little more than a cover-girl. She is still a cover girl now but just of a different kind. I think she may even be another kind of cover-girl before her career is over. It would not be a surprise to me. Big props to Q for his original publication of this on-line. Enjoy the throw-back article.

Britney Spears is the most overrated celebrity in the market. Headlines cannot get enough quotes from this vacuous personality. Consumers cannot buy enough of her talent-empty albums. Men cannot download enough of her airbrushed images from the Internet, and corporations cannot have her artificially sponsor enough of their products.

So why is this vacuous, talent-less, artificial, walking glamour shot in such high demand? Two reasons and two reasons alone can account for this phenomenon. An excellent marketing team and a look that only the best money can buy.

I am sure that the girl can dance with the best of them, and (from what I read and see in the media) she apparently puts on a pretty good live performance. But does this showmanship account for the billions that she is worth? I would imagine that there are thousands of struggling performers on Broadway that would argue against this assumption. If this were the case then every back-up dancer in the theatre would be a millionaire.

No, this is the case of a young girl who was at the right place, at the right time with the right financial backing behind her to springboard a cute look into a billion dollar franchise. Now that the cute girl is a mature young woman, she is lucky enough to not have to tap-dance around the subtle marketing of her as a sex symbol. She can sell her sexuality, boldly going where now woman has gone before (save Janet Jackson and we all know where that got her).

Let’s not pretend this music star is an intellectual giant. Have you seen an interview with this girl? The vocabulary is on par with an eighth grade reading level and the depth of character is about as profound as a Sponge-Bob-Square-Pants episode.

So what is wrong with someone being at the right place at the right time? What is wrong with trading sex for money? I say nothing is wrong with it. So many people have done it before Britney Spears and so many people will do it after she is long gone. What I have a problem with is the misguided accolades that applaud the “lucky-hot-chick” for her talent and power in an industry that is made up of far more puppeteers than possibly any other business in existence today.

If Britney were truly a powerful music mogul then she would probably be able to make more money doing business deals from behind the scenes than out on the stage. And lets not even begin to argue over her talent. Even Britney herself has admitted that her voice is only OK.

So next time we award Britney a platinum record for the number of album sales, lets give it to her agent instead. And the next time Forbes decides to rank her as one of the most powerful people in the world based on her pop-culture exposure, lets take away all the pimply-faced boys that are using her Internet images to live out their unfulfilled prom-night fantasies. They are a fare-weather bunch that will quickly tire of her and move on to the next latest and greatest beauty anyway.

I’ll not argue the pervasive popularity of Britney. I just see a whole lot of style and very little substance. -Summer 2004-

Football is over

For me the football season has come to an end. My fantasy hopes died with a tie game. A tie game. Suck. I'd almost rather lose. I'd like to appologize to America for the disappointment that was the Sports Donkey Lollipop Buffet. The team ownership will be doing a complete assessment of the franchise fom top to bottom across all facets of the organization and we will report in the off-season our findings. Well, One can only look toward the future now and the hope that one day I might be lucky enough to draft LT or Peyton Manning. Who knows, perhaps next year I will be the special franchise that manges to get a pick in the top 5 to secure that special player that makes losing teams into winning ones. Only time will tell. I wish those deserving owners the best of luck in their fantasy play-offs.

Cyber D, Out!

Mr. Frost or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Ice

Why can people in Texas not drive on ice and snow? Perhaps it isn't Texas. Perhaps it is people raised in the big city that are stupid in this case. I know it isn't southerners. I learned to drive growing up in the foothills of the Ozark Mountains and I can drive on ice and snow just fine without tire-chains or anything.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think I can scale the Rockies in a Ford Hatchback, but one should be able to navigate a level street for a couple of miles with a few icy patches here and there. Seriously! Watching the news last night, you'd have thought that the second ice age came to the Metroplex. People of the press, you really don't help those worry-warts feel any better about a scattered sleet.

I'll admit that my city doesn't help the stupid city driver very much. We don't put salt on the road for some reason down here. We put sand. That doesn't help to melt ice or make roadways less treacherous. It just helps your car get dirty.

Bottom line: If you just use a little common sense, drive a little slower than your usual 90 miles an hour, don't slam on the breaks when you skid, and keep your wheel straight... you'll do just fine. It also helps when people driving four-wheel tanks don't think they are invincible. I'm here to tell you that it doesn't matter if you weigh 20 tons, your wheels will still slide on ice. Mother Nature is a bitch like that. But stupid people will not stop being stupid so you have to watch out for yourself on the street.

So why don't we all strike a healthy balance between indestructible carelessness and angst-ridden petrification.

The Brain Head

My wife and I were playing in the back yard with our son this weekend. We had just purchased a sand-box and we were all enjoying a pleasant afternoon. In Texas you can still have those well into December. It almost makes up for the scorching 100+ temperatures in the months of July, August, and September.

At two years old my son never ceases to amaze me. He is now proving to be quite the rambunctious kid. My wife and I have gotten into a regular habit of attempting to predict the ways in which he will "act out" for the sole reason that we will be better prepared to discipline him in a reasonable yet effective way.

With the new sand-box we could pretty much guess that trying to put water into the sand-box is one thing we are going to have to address. It doesn't sound like a big deal but it's a great deal easier to clean up a sandy child than a muddy one. We also guessed correctly that tossing sand out into the yard was another behavior would have to account for. But who would have predicted the enthusiastic and relentless nature with which my son would attempt to shovel sand into his mouth? At least one might think that after the first attempt, the taste of gritty sand would deter a second attempt. Not so. Because of the reaction he got from Mom and Dad, he was more than prepared to swallow sand again. To him it was hilarious!

So I am lying on the couch later that night pondering how my son came to this decision. What synapse in his brain generated that creative idea? It's unfathomable... He is well beyond putting EVERYTHING in his mouth. We haven't worried about choking hazards in months. He's even reached an age where he has an opinion about what food he eats. I mean, he doesn't want to eat eggs with his bacon in the morning but a mouth full of dirt sounds like a good time!

I guess I can't complain. It's creative, I'll give him that. Who knows, perhaps that creativity in his little kid-brain-head will be the same creativity that wins him a noble peace prize, or helps him create the next best invention since sliced bread.

New Boss

For those that read this blog on a regular basis, you will know that with the start of my new job came a little bit of anxiety around the question-mark that is my new boss. Because there was a delay on hiring the executive director of my department, they did not want to wait any longer on hiring the directors, so I was one of three people given offers prior to the arrival of my new boss. Meaning what? Again, for those of you who read this blog, you will know that I haven't had the greatest luck with bosses. Every single boss I have ever had has been fired from the organization where I worked with them. So you can imagine my trepidation when it comes to bosses.

So I start thinking this guy is going to hate me since he wasn't involved in the hiring. Well, that's just my emotions talking. I'll not even bore you with all the details of all the other bizarre nightmares I've worried about as it relates to the new guy.

Long story - short... I met him today and he seams like a nice guy. I mean how much can you really figure out after meeting him for just a few minutes? Only time will tell.

Working in Mysterious Ways

My grandfather passed away this week from long-standing heart problems. He had suffered from heart issues for many years but my family never would have guessed that an aortic anuerism from ten years ago would be the source of the problem. At 92 years old we were very grateful to have had so many wonderful years with him. He was a good man and we all miss him very much.

Over the course of this week I was able to spend a little time with him before he passsed. My sister and her husband also flew into town to be with the family. Seeing family is always nice but never under these circumstances... only I find it amazing how God always works in mysterious ways. My sister needed someplace to stay for the past week so we offered our place, giving my son the very unusual opportunity to spend a consdierable amount of time with his aunt and uncle.

They are truley great with my son but have only ever had a handful of days to make an impression before they had to fly home once again. The bond I have seen develop between them and my son has been the unexpected positive experiance of this very sad occasion and I can't help but smile when I am able to capture momments like this on camera.



This last week has been very difficult but I am grateful that I can still have the tiniest positive memory from this experiance as well.

Heroes is a Good

I've watched all the first season episodes and I'm definitely hooked until the end of the season. I hate the fact that the plot moves at a snails pace but I like the characters and I look forward to the over-arching plot unfolding. All in all I give it two thumbs up.

In general the powers that our heroes possess have a new and unique spin on some age old super powers. The super strength single mom, Niki can apparently only access her power through her split personality, Jessica. Peter, the inevitable leader of the group, has the ability to mimic powers that others possess without any real powers of his own. Issac the painter is a pre-cog but he can only access his abilities when he is high on drugs. Perhaps the most familiar of powers is the healing powers of Claire the cheerleader which appear to be exactly like the super healing powers of Wolverine from X-Men.

What is most compelling up to this point is the mystery around the villains. Who are they and what is there agenda? As of right now Claire's own father is the front-runner on possible villainy along with his telepathic side-kick. The mysterious serial killer Sylar has yet to be uncovered but there are all kinds or theories amongst the fan base. Finally there is the mobster Mr. Lindermen who is attempting to control the would-be politician and reluctant hero, Nathan. There are some that even believe Niki's alter ego: Jessica is a villain and possibly one of the main villains.

What is certain is that this show refuses to simply display typical archetypes that we have so often seen in other forms of the genre. I myself predict that many of the flawed characters are destined to be our heroes and not part of the villainy. It makes their victory all the more satisfying when Niki can overcome the force that is Jessica, when Issac kicks his addiction, and when Nathan finally accepts his role in the universe.

I personally can't wait for the story to unfold. It is unfortunate that it is taking a page from the colossally slow story-telling book that is Lost.

Pain and Suffering

I'm a pretty sceptical human being. When I hear stories about dead rats in salads or abandoned babies found on the side of the road, I almost always wonder if the person doing the "finding" is actually a perpetrator in the incident. In the case of the Haley family I seriously doubt it, and when a true wrong has been committed it becomes time for big business to pay up big time. I think there is something to be said for pain and suffering. I think it is real and I think it needs to be dealt with.

Hold on a second before you say anything. I don't mean the pain and suffering of the person with the negative experience. Although I don't doubt that it is terrible when your hands are scalded by hot coffee or your stomach is turned by a dead rat. No, I'm talking about the pain and suffering of the corporation. In many cases the only thing that will get a company to pay attention is to pay up.

I especially have little sympathy for places like restaurants that fail to live up to their end of the social contract. Of course everyone is entitled to get what they pay for. You buy a stereo with your hard earned dollars and you deserve to get something that works. The last piece of electronics I bought came broken. You can imagine my displeasure. But restaurants are the most important. Because there is (like I said before) a social contract with society. Is there anything we do as human beings that is more vulnerable to our personal well-being than to consume food prepared by someone else? Kings had attendants for the sole purpose of taking bites of their food to determine if it was poisoned. Not only do we invest a tremendous amount of trust in eating establishments but we pay them for it. Granted we are paying for the meal but we are also paying for the peace of mind that a reputable restaurant is providing us with a safe meal. Is that too much to ask? I think not. It's not like we are asking the fast food industry to keep the peace in Iraq. Nor are we expecting them to land a manned space probe on the Moon. It's food service for God's sake! If you have to invest more money in health and sanitation than do that and stop spending money on children's toys.

Keep in mind, I realize that certain fast food chains pretty much represent the "ass-end" of the culinary spectrum. I myself haven't eaten at certain places in over two years because basically the food sucks. But it is still supposed to be food, not a pet cemetery. So dig deep I say. Swing for the fences and force those multi-national conglomerates to pay up big. Why should big oil be the only company to be perceived as an evil empire in this country?

It's all about the percentages.

The show Deal or No Deal has swept the nation over the last few months. When I first heard about it I was not impressed. Apparently the new and improved millennium version of Howie Mandell hosts the show where contestants pick one of 26 cases with a specific amount inside, ranging from one penny to one million dollars. The contestant is then asked to reveal the remaining cases in stages. Each stage the contestant (and the mysterious banker who lives in a shadowy booth overlooking the game-show) is left to speculate how much money is in their own case. The banker periodically offers up a cash exchange for the still "unknown" amount in their case. The contestant must either accept or decline "The Deal."

Pardon the pun but "big deal!" Who cares? It's a game of chance and not skill. At least in Who Wants To Be A Millionaire you have to demonstrate some sort of knowledge. I've surfed by the show many times and NEVER felt compelled to stop. For some reason I decided to see what all the fuss was about the other night and I stopped to watch for a few minutes. I'm here to say that I was wrong. This show is worth watching for three reasons.

One: It's all about the percentages. I thought there was no skill involved. There is actually a modicum of skill required. Unfortunately it's some pretty complex math. When the banker makes an offer to the contestant to buy the case, it is based on the mathematical probability that the case the contestant "owns" has more or less in it than the offer. As far as I have seen no contestant has attempted to do the math to determine if the offer being made is the mathematical best deal to take. All they do is go with their gut and continue to go forward until the banker makes a deal that just "feels good" to them. Which leads me to the second reason why this show is worth watching.

Two: The contestants are so wheels off crazy it is as close to watching a reality TV show train wreck without watching a reality TV show. I haven't seen much of this show, but what I have seen is ridiculous. Some of these contestants strut around the stage like they are staring in their own movie. Like they have waited their entire lives to be on TV and this is their moment to impress everybody with their boisterous personality. Vomit! Still, it's great watching their bravado get squashed when the banker starts offering them less and less money because they chose to keep moving forward with opening cases when they should have stopped while they were ahead.

Three: Check out the website and see for yourself.

Deal or No Deal

Victory!

Victory is ours! The Q and I finally had a solid win this week for our fantasy football team. For those of you that don't know the Q and I combined forces to form the greatest rock and roll fantasy football franchise that ever rocked this side of the Mississippi River! Unfortuantely the gods of rock and fantasy football have not been smiling upon our humble franchise. We have eeked out two wins in embarassing fashion and have been dragging the bottom of the league standings. However, we both knew we had a great team. They have just been late bloomers. With a few free agent acquisitions and some of our drafted players finally coming on strong we decimated the division leader 59-52 (so far) and we have 3 more players yet to play. That should equate to at least a 69-52 victory!

I think the world will look back on this week of October in 2006 and remember that this was the momment that the Sports Donkey Lollipop Buffet finally made its run for the play-offs!

For those of you paying attention...

I started my new job last week. And for those of you that care I give the new situation an A- on the report card. Everyone I have met is very nice. The entire atmosphere is far more friendly and welcoming. Everything I have seen so far seams to indicate that resources will be plentiful, the work load will be distributed well, and that my support staff will actually support me which was a complete crock of shit with my last employer.

But it is a large organization. The largest I have ever worked in and there are inevitably some logistical and communication issues associated with it. This however is the least of my worries and probably one of the easier things to fix.

Of course this is all very knee-jerk since I am still in my first week (which is largely just orientation), I will not meet my boss until November (he was hired after me), and I have no sense of how maxed out the management pushes the staff work-load. Call me a high-S on the D.I.S.C. assessment but I am not quick to trust and I can be be very skeptical of peoples motives. So I am reserving judgment for a little further down the road. In the meantime I am Mr. Positive Thinking Man and hopeful that this is someplace I can spend the next 5-7 years... or more.

So going from a D- in job situation to an A- is pretty good.

The Doctor Is In!

Several months ago I did an early review of the new "Who" series. Typically I give shows 5 to 6 episodes before giving up on them completely. Sci-Fi/Fantasy programing gets an even longer leash from me. Sometimes as much as two whole seasons. For Doctor Who I might have given the series three whole seasons before giving up. I am happy to say that it is no longer necessary to take the "wait and see" attitude. The new Doctor Who series is freakin' fantastic!

I have to say that it was touch and go there at first. Eccelston really didn't do it for me. I enjoyed the stories... somewhat (although the pacing still felt rushed). I thought Billie Piper had been great as the sidekick and the guest cast had been excellent. Still something about it didn't feel right. It was as if the Doctor was too cool. Almost too hip with his studly leather jacket and rugged good looks. In the past The Doctor was almost always in control of the situation but he at least gave us a thrill ride because the actor playing the part always attacked the role with a genuine seriousness making the jeapordy feel more real. Eccelston played the confident Doctor well. Almost too well. Sure, he would occasionally act the fool or give the camera a wide-eyed gawking stare. But for the most part he strolled through the scenes like the jock quarterback in the school play who was only their because his cheerleader girlfriend insisted he play opposite her in Romeo and Juliet. I was seriously beginning to worry that the direction of popular culture had forever turned The Doctor into Han Solo. Luckily the first Dalek story came along about half-way through season one. It was strong and potentially the best of the first season. The finale was equally enjoyable and also happened to feature the Daleks again.

But stop the freaking presses! David Tennant as the Doctor in season 2 has been outstanding. The pacing of the stories (in my opinion) has improved (or perhaps I am just getting used to the one-hour format. In all honesty, the shinning part of the new season is Tennant. He fits the bill for the Doctor perfectly. He is the right balance of hero and galactic renegade. He has the perfect mix of English gentleman and bizarre alien attributes. And he gives each scene a frenetic twist that sends a message to the audience that the situation may be in hand but it is far from safe! I can't say enough good things about this actors portrayal. The original series will always hold a very dear place in my heart and few of the new episodes will ever outshine the best of the classic series but season 2 is proving to be packed with great stories and Tennant may very well rank as my third favorite Doctor placing just behind Tom Baker and Peter Davidson.

So welcome to a permanent spot on my TiVo, Doctor. I am so very proud of your return!

Manhood: Confirmed!

My wife and I went to the hospital last week for the big sonogram that usually will tell parents the gender of the baby you are expecting. I am happy to say that my manhood has been confirmed twice over now as we will be having another boy! I guess I just can't help but produce male offspring. I think I would have been a great 16th century tyrant. Heirs to the throne. Generals for my armies! Yes, I am truly a man-extraordinaire!

In all seriousness, my wife and I were only praying for a healthy baby. We would have enjoyed raising a little girl, but we will equally enjoy raising another little boy. The important thing is the pregnancy appears to be progressing normally and that the baby falls in the "standard" for all measurements related to its development. For this I am truly grateful.

Even better... For the immediate future: The re-use of baby clothes and toys. For the distant future: No weddings to pay-for or horny boy friends chasing after my daughter. So all in all... life is good. Pass the turkey leg and the broadsword.

The Wheel is closed for repairs

We will be back in a week once a few dust bunnies have been cleared and the garage sale has concluded.