Celebrity Look Alike

I know that blog-country has been dying to know what I look like in real life. Like Superman, Batman, and other great heroes from history I must maintain my secret identity to protect the lives of those I hold most dear. But I recently came across this little bit of Internets fun. Perhaps this will scratch that itch for those that wonder about the real CyberD. And just so you know I'm not full of crap, I went ahead and threw in one of the more unfaltering of the 12 celebrity matches that came up.

Missing the Boat

Back in the fall of 2002 I wasn't really open to new science fiction television. My favorite show had been canceled and I was pretty jaded to anything that remotely resembled it. As it turns out I missed out on a great series called Firefly. But then again, so did many others because it too was eventually canceled. Of course many might argue that it would fail from the beginning with the way Fox Television handled its release. Between jumbling the episodes out of order, not showing the all important pilot until mid-season, and marketing the gritty drama as an action comedy the series was most assuredly doomed.

It's been almost five years now and I've continued to hear nothing but good things. I've wanted to see it for some time, but just never found it available for rent until I joined the greatness of Blockbuster Online. I ordered the first disc and watched it in the order it was originally intended, including the theatrical conclusion Serenity. I've come to my own conclusion: either I'm an official science fiction sucker or this show is greatness... or both... probably both.

Every episode was full of great character driven story. The large ensemble cast had a tremendous chemistry and at no time did it give the feeling of being too cumbersome. I even managed to enjoy the dramatic cinematic conclusion to the series. Granted, it probably pales in comparison to the unrealized continuation of the program. Personally I feel it was completely satisfying, save for the undeveloped storyline of Shepard Book. They've even left the franchise open to future films. But money talks so I've now joined the ranks of Firefly fans telling you to go out and watch this series. It's definitely a good.

Greater than the sum of the parts... and the parts are pretty damn good.

Everyone should have friends like these. Quad weekend 2007 was an event to remember. Even Pokiman came up for the festivities and it wouldn't have been the same without him. Each of us brings a unique aspect to the group that is sadly missing when one of us isn't there. How is it possible for five guys, who collectively see each other once a year, to get together and pick up where we left off without skipping a beat?

It really is like slipping back in time to a place where life was much simpler, important things had no meaning, and meaningless things were of paramount importance. I haven't laughed like that in... well... a year! I'll be the first to admit that the weekend was filled with all manner of sophomoric humor, but it is the familiarity with which we deliver our punch lines, react to each other's jokes, and drift on to the next one-liner that is so appealing. I seriously think there were a couple of times that we hardly had to say a word... a simple glance would suffice and we were all falling out of our chairs.

Some may ask if it was anything more than just one big time-waste. I'll tell you that it wouldn't have been the same if it was anything else. Lord knows this isn't Oprah's book club. What I find so fascinating is how our interests continue to mirror each other, even when so many years have passed by. Did we become friends way back then because we were of such similar spirit, or did the friendship of our youth help to mold us into the people we are today? Perhaps it is a little bit of both.

I thought about coming up with a great piece of comedy to capture the essence of this weekend with my friends, but I don't think it would have done justice to how important these guys are to me. So I'll take a moment and risk being serious to simply say that I had a blast with Dagromm, Gyuss, Pokiman, and Q. It was nothing but pure undiluted fun to be together again.

Thanks to Dagromm for hosting the event, to Gyuss for shelling out mad-cash in order to travel great distances, to Pokiman for freeing up his usual weekend work obligations, and to Q for showing up with clothes on.

See you next summer for Quad weekend 2008!

Manly Men doing Manly Things

While The Quad is many things, we aren't everything. I cannot deny the fact that we are strong, handsome, powerful, and potent... but we are NOT mechanics. This little trip down memory lane takes us all the way back to the turn of the millennium.

It was the summer of 2000 and it had been a few years since Gyuss had moved away. Dagromm and I had already begun our love affair with Q and the three of us were sitting around Ye Old Shop that Dagromm managed. This particular afternoon Dagromm was complaining about car trouble... a fairly common complaint for him in those days.

That day it was decided that an alternator for a 1995 Pontiac Grand Am should be easy to fix. So we later met at the Auto Zone, Dags purchased an alternator, and we struck out for the broken down vehicle. It was parked in a small town at a busy gas station of truckers and the like. Gyuss even called in to participate via cell phone. As we walked across the glistening asphalt in the scorching Texas heat you could have set our stride to the music of George Baker's Little Green Bag.

We arrived at the front of the Pontiac just as a wind whipped up and sent our flowing locks swirling across our face. I planted my foot on the front bumper, striking a pose, while Q thrust his fist down on the hood, popping it open. Dagromm, in turn brandished his wrench high over head as he slammed the new alternator down on top of the engine block. We were ready to commence with auto repair!

At first things rolled pretty damn well. We found the location of the old alternator in mere seconds and managed to unhook a belt that obstructed our access to it. It wasn't long before we removed the defunct part and replaced it with the new one. This was the home stretch and it looked as if we get out of there in under an hour. That's when we realized that we had no freaking clue how to put the belt back on. It had so much tension when attached that there was no way one could simply force it... but we tried. After another hour of massive grunting, muscle ache, and buckets of perspiration we were no closer to our objective.

Q took a frustrated step back, lifted his hands into the sky and cursed the gods of car-repair. Dagromm hung his head in shame as tears streamed down his face and I (in spite of my stoic appearance) feared all was lost. It was at this point that Gyuss' call conveniently dropped. Just then, in a moment of clarity my gaze landed upon a gangly trucker about to climb into his rig and leave the gas station for the open road. I quickly flagged down the salty highwayman and requested his assistance. This was our last chance of being able to say we achieved the impossible. He approached the car and pointed out what we already knew - that there was a tension rod underneath the manifold. It was the very thing we had been struggling to manipulate for the last hour. Little did we know, you needed to be a contortionist in order to do this successfully. Luckily this trucker had spent three years with The Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus. He cranked down on the rod and we were back in business.

Victory at last! Q did a celebratory dance that he learned from a Native American witch doctor during his peyote phase, while Dagromm and I tested out the new alternator. As the engine turned over and hummed with glee, a chorus of angels began singing the opening to Carl Orff's Carmina Burana! It was truly a magical moment and we drove off into the sunset.

Everybody Loves Lists!

In my last post a question was recently asked regarding what (if any) movie franchises should be considered "great" from start to finish. As I am a shameful lover of lists, I am taking it upon myself to provide the definitive answer to this question.

First off: I think it needs to be pointed out that very few franchises achieve greatness throughout the entirety of its volumes. For example, the first two Superman movies are greatness but the other sequels make the overall franchise a dud. The same goes for the Batman, X-Men, Die Hard, and The Matrix films... especially The Matrix. The first was genius, the rest were garbage. I think Spiderman was close to achieving greatness but the last film was just a disappointment.

I think the one caveat to this rule is if a franchise has a huge gap in time between productions. The newly imagined Batman franchise can stand alone and has a new opportunity to achieve greatness since the latest film rocked. Additionally, if you apply the same rule to the Star Wars franchise, the first three films qualify for the cinematic trilogy hall of fame. Finally, I think attention must be given to continuity. Nothing is more annoying than when plot continuity is ignored or casting changes are made willy-nilly! While it is no ones fault that Dumbledore had to be re-cast, it only hurts the Harry Potter franchise's chance at greatness.

My Top 5 in order from good to great...

5) The Bill and Ted Trilogy Anthology

4) A Fistfull of Dollars - A Few Dollars More - The Good The Bad, and The Ugly

3) Indiana Jones Trilogy

2) Star Wars Episodes 4-6

1) Lord of the Rings Trilogy

Please feel free to include your favorite two-parters, trilogies, septologies, and the like in comments.

Pirates 3 Review - Spoiler Alert

I finally saw the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie last week and I have to say... It was fantastic! I loved it! The pace is quick the story-telling is sharp, and the twists and turns are pleasantly unexpected. Jeffrey Rush has a flare for the humorous while remaining menacing. Johnny Depp continues to delight in a role that has great risk of becoming trite and repetitive after three films. And Chow Yun-Fat injects a new element of vile danger without making the cast feel bloated. The filming is dark, as is the script, costumes, and overall tone of the story, but this is to be expected. After the conclusion of Pirates 2, I think all fans knew it was going down this road.



Some of the high-points for me include a magnificent opening fight sequence in Singapore, a surreal and creepy depiction of Davey Jones' Locker, the duplicitous double-crossing of various characters, and a visually stimulating portrayal of the Pirate Lords that range from Chinese thugs to French bandits to Arabian thieves. And I have to say I'm not too disappointed in the somewhat predictable ending for Will Turner and Elizabeth Swan.

Now for some criticism.

My biggest problem with the film was the introduction and use of the Calypso character. Supposedly Pirates 2 and 3 were written simultaneously and if this is the case, why does the introduction of the Sea Goddess feel so random? Could her role in the overall story not have been worked more smoothly into the fabric of the overall mythos? Additionally, I am still perplexed why Captain Soa Feng (Chow Yun-Fat) mistakes Elizabeth Swan for the human form of Calypso and how Captain Barbossa (Rush) appears to know better from the very start.



Of course the Sea Goddess' role in the films is given more weight as you learn why she was forced to bring Barbossa back from the dead, but if both Barbossa and Sparrow each hold a position as one of the nine Pirate Lords... why was one serving the other on The Black Pearl prior to the first film?

In addition to plot problems such as these, I find it boardering on retarded the way the action in this series goes from the (larger-than-life) theatrical to the ridiculous (ala Matrix/Charlie's Angels)! I know... I know... I can suspend my disbelief for the walking dead and supernatural monsters, but I cannot allow my brain to believe that mere humans can swoop from the masts of various different pirate ships all within the swirling winds of a hurricane!

It is also perplexing to me why the giant sea-battle we expect at the end comes down to the Black Pearl and the Flying Dutchman fighting it out over a maelstrom. Then both ships turn on the British flag-ship blowing it to smithereens, Die Hard style. Apparently this is enough to take the "wind out of the sales" of the entire British Armada and sends them packing!



Finally I understand that Turner and Swan needed to get married for the ending of the movie to work, but I am stupefied as to why it needed to be in the middle of a sea-battle. It just felt silly.

So in conclusion, as you can see, I feel this movie really sucked. I mean... badly! I hated it.

Our Essence

There has been some recent discussion on the qualities that define what it means to be "Quad-like". In an effort to provide the people with an answer to the essence of this seemingly indefinable group, I submit to you all the evidence you will ever need.




As defined by the Smithsonian Museum of Man History:

Taking Care of Business - Part 2

In this second installment on the keys to living well and working less I bring forth one of my very old tricks. This is an easy one folks and it's an all time classic. Many of us do it without even realizing it. But if it's news to you, then get out your pad and pencil because it's a beauty. I like to call this one:

- Making a Lunch Break Out of Your Lunch Break -



How often do we put in that overtime? Have you ever had to work through lunch? Have you ever needed that all important mid-day break to run very important personal errands like going to the bank, the doctor's office, or the strip club?

Sometimes 60 minutes just isn't enough time and what if you have an overbearing boss or nosy co-worker that enjoys keeping tabs on you? Here's the trick... it's so easy you'll be kicking yourself for not doing it sooner.

1) Make it clear to said-nosy-ass-person that you'll be taking a late lunch today.

2) Make sure the offending nosy-ass person has JUST left for lunch themselves, preferably around noon.

3) Leave immediately after them and don't come back until 2pm.

When you return the assumption here is that you left around 1pm. And there you have it. You just made a two-hour lunch break look like one and today you had enough time to go by the bank, browse Best Buy, AND grab that gordito burrito from Chipotle!

I'll give you a head start!

My office is pretty competitive. There are seven people that hold positions like mine and we all do basically the same thing, making it fairly easy to compare, contrast, and "race" each other in our progress towards our individual goals. We are also all new, making it all the more easy to gauge each other equally in terms of progress.

So I was thinking about this little fact as I was driving into work this morning. You see I had an especially challenging weekend, as my wife is getting her home business up and running again, having taken a hiatus for the birth of Lil' Higgins. This was my second weekend where I have basically been on my own with "the boys." Let me tell you, when they are about six and eight years old, it's going to be great to take them to football games, movies, camping, etc. etc. But a two year old and a newborn are hard-ass work. That's not to say that older kids are easier but at least my back will not be breaking in half from carting Lil' Higgins in my arms all morning and giving horse-back rides to Lil' Magnum all afternoon.

I digress... (I do that allot)

Long story - short: I felt like the walking dead last night and I feel just terrible this morning. I'm thinking about this driving into work because most of my co-workers don't have children and none of them have children under the age of four. I couldn't help but be a little envious of all the rest they must have had this weekend, the feeling of being refreshed heading into the office, of getting their week started with a bang - like a race horse right out of the gate! Meanwhile, I'm still getting my saddle on and my jockey is busy puking in the bathroom, attempting to make the weight limit.

God help me I'm tired.

Friendship

I have to admit that I knew it was only a matter of time for Dags, Q, and Gyuss to see the error of their ways. My agent told me that the phone had been ringing non-stop all week. To be honest I probably would have rejected the gesture if it wasn't for the gift basket of assorted cold-cuts. That was a nice touch. I digress. The upshot of this entire thing is that The Quad just isn't The Quad without me and they humbly asked me to re-take my rightful place in the group. I know we've had our differences but we are putting the past behind us (even though they started it).

Just to make sure there were no hard feelings I checked in with The Rock. Little did The Quad know, but we have each other on speed-dial. All he said was to "watch out for the jello, and that he was moving to Singapore just to get some distance." I'm not sure what that means but I know I'll find out soon enough.

Now... as a tribute I'd like to share one of my most favorite songs from those rock-ballad-all-stars... Tenacious D.



"Oh Happy Day!"

Extra Cheese

There just isn't pleasing some people! Who the hell knew Vader had a heart condition and Chewy only eats kosher? So the bacon-bar wasn't going over well with my new partners. Fine! Never mind the fact that everyone else loved it. But let's not forget that CyberD is a team player. So out goes the bacon-bar and in comes the next best thing since sliced bread! Literally.

What goes great on hamburgers, pizza, crackers, and heroine? That's right...

CHEESE. And while you're at it, make it extra-cheese. So I'm officially announcing that 2007 is the year of extra-cheese at The Wheel in Space.

I mean who doesn't like cheese? Apparently Han Solo. How was I supposed to know that he's lactose intolerant?

Give me a F-ing break!

Record Turn-Out for First Apperance

The outpouring of support almost brings me to tears. If I wasn't so manly I'd probably have to use a kleenex right about now. It means a great deal that the people demonstrate their support with all the letters, emails, and ransom notes. I'm touched. I'm mostly touched by this crowd from my most recent appearance. Here are a few quotes from the rest of the team. You can tell they are moved as well.

Han: I owe YOU one, CyberD.

Vader: The foce is strong with this one.

Luke: But I was going to go to Tachi Station to pick up some power converters!

Chewy: Arrrrgggghhhhh!

R2-D2: Bleep!

Anyway, thanks again for all your support.

Sad news to report

As much as you loyal fans might assume that I am pleased by this recent turn of events, I must say that I am saddened that the group that I worked so hard to establish has now been relegated to appearing to an empty house in small-town corner bars.

That's right. It looks like the luster of The Quad has already worn off after the disappointing split late last week. Who knows what the fates have in store for them (most likely bankruptcy, massive drug-problems, rehab and jobs as used car salesmen) but I really do wish them the best of luck.

At least the booze was free at their last gig... so I heard.

CyberD gets great back-up team!

That's right, my loyal fans can see it here at The Wheel before the news sweeps the nation. Come tomorrow you're going to see this in The Wall Street Journal, U.S. News, and the New York Times. I must say that I'm super excited about this and I can't help but wish I had made this change sooner.

Believe it! You know what also doesn't suck in addition to me?

That's right... Star Wars.

And I've just signed a deal for Vader, Skywalker, and the rest of the crew to back up my new solo career! Eat you're heart out, Quad-Suck!

The Rumors are True

I understand that this news has shocked the nation. Apparently Dagromm, believes he is Eddie Van Halen but without the rockin' hair-style and bad-ass guitar riffs. Now that I think about it, Eddie Van Halen kind of sucked anyway. You know what doesn't suck?

Me.

But what hurts most is the silence from Q and Gyuss. That cuts deep and I suppose there is nothing more to be said. Good luck getting any pub without your front-man! That's right. I've been pulling these guys along for years. And I'm sorry it has taken me this long to respond but I wanted to make sure all my adoring fans had something exciting to look forward to.

I'm going solo. Believe it! You can expect all of the same great genius from my solo career that you did from The Quad. And I sware that I look bitchin' in spandex pants... unlike Dagromm!

One of the first big changes around here is going to be the 24 hour bacon-bar-buffet. I've been bringing up awesome ideas like this for a long time only for the rest of The Quad to shoot it down. And prepare yourself for a multitude of more brilliance.

Notes from The Road

This is what I know:

1) Airplanes suck.

2) Airports suck.

3) Rain is awesome on your yard but sucky at airports.

4) Ipods are filled with awesomeness unless the battery is empty.

5) Deoderant is awesome but even more awesome if the very large hairy traveler standing next to you had chosen to use it this morning.

6) ...and airplanes suck.

Twas the Season...

Few opportunities of genius have presented themselves in my life. This one is a classic. Back in the fall of 1995 one of my roommates (Braveheart) insisted on holiday decorations. I'm not a big fan of this, simply because I am too lazy to put shit up around the apartment. However, I was always a big fan of pissing-off our other roommate (Urban Cowboy).

It just so happened that Cowboy hated this spider decoration that Braveheart had hung over the ceiling light in our living space. Any time you clapped your hands the thing would start humming this high-pitched squeal and it would shimmy and vibrate for a good sixty seconds, only to be awoken again by the next clapping of the hands. He complained about the damn thing for the entire month of October. Nothing pleased Braveheart and me more than to come into the apartment and greet the room with a hearty hand clap, prompting Cowboy to curse us while reminding everyone that Halloween doesn't last forever.

Late one night Braveheart and I bemoaned the fact that we would eventually have to part ways with the decoration and wished that there were versions of the same concept for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New-Years, and Valentines. It was in that moment of silence between us that an epiphany struck us simultaneously. This blessed love affair didn't have to end! Surely we could remove the motor and sound-activation system from the spider, and place it inside other plush toys!

A turkey, a Santa Claus, even a baby-new-year that could later be converted into Cupid! We had the entire year planned out. It was going to be beautiful.

Step One: Find a suitable host for transplant.

Step Two: Perform the surgery.

Step Three: Decorate for Thanksgiving.

Step Four: Wait for hilarity to ensue!

Unfortunately, step one didn't go as well as we had hoped. We went to every conceivable shop in our college town looking for a stuffed turkey doll. There were none. It looked as if our little plan was to die then and there before it ever got off the ground. Our final trip took us to the toy section of Wal-Mart. Lining one wall of the store were hundreds of stuffed animals and not a single turkey in sight. Braveheart was about to give up hope when I grabbed him by the arm and turned his attention to our salvation. At first he refused to think outside of the box. I pressed the issue. He objected on moral grounds. I insisted otherwise. Eventually he succumbed to the idea and we took our surgical candidate home to prepare.

The operation was performed beautifully by my pre-med roommate and I was proud to assist. Later that day we took down our Halloween decorations and put up the festive trappings of fall harvest, including our new addition to the ceiling light in our living space. That night Urban Cowboy was greeted by a sight that will live in infamy!

Say hello to squealing-vibrating-Indian-princess!

Lunching with Big Dirty

It's not every day that you can have lunch with a local legend. Unfortunately for me it wasn't planned. I was going to have lunch with an old college friend yesterday. I went to the local Bar-B-Q and reserved a table for two. I waited patiently and watched as patrons filed into booths and waitresses rushed around busily working hard for the money.

It was just then that I caught the eye of none other than Big Dirty! I quickly turned my gaze to avert making eye-contact but it was too late. His long years of scanning bars for hot babes came in handy that day and my knowing look caught his attention. He kicked his head back, (a typical Big Dirty sign for hello) and flipped his Razor phone off as he strode over to my table. The following conversation ensued:

Me: I'm expecting someone.

Big Dirty: No prob, CyberD. I'll keep you company until they arrive.

Me: Well, errrrrr, okay.

Big Dirty: So, have you checked out these waitresses, man? They're totally hot!

Me: Not really, I come for the food.

Big Dirty: Gotcha, (he over-winks at me) the food. So what do you recommend? The chicken BREAST or THIGH!

(He cracks himself up and catches the attention of the waitress)

Waitress: I see your friend arrived, what can I get you gentlemen?

Me: Actually, he's not...

Big Dirty: (whispers to me) watch this...

Big Dirty: (to waitress) Hello there... (ogles her strategically placed name-tag) Mandi. Tell me, how good is your... pulled pork?

Mandi the Waitress: It's the chef's favorite and a very popular menu item.

Big Dirty: I bet it is! (he gives me the over-wink again)

Mandi: ummmmmm (looking at Big Dirty unsure of what to say)

Big Dirty: So tell me, I'm in the mood for some... smoked sausage. How are you at... smoking sausage?

Waitress: That's my personal favorite.

Big Dirty: I love it! You naughty thing!

Me: Dude, the girl is trying to work.

Big Dirty: She can work it all she wants as long as its for me.

Me: I'll have a water. Thanks, Mandi.

Big Dirty: How's your... Rubbed Chub?

Mandi: Don't you mean baked spud?

(Big Dirty is now cracking himself up and his shoulders heave up and down as he attempts to contain his uproarious laughter)

Big Dirty: No!

Me: I can't take this anymore.

Big Dirty: "That's what she said!"

I've never been kicked out of a restaurant before but there is a first time for everything.

The Bunny Challenge

I humbly submit this cute bunny pic as part of the challenge...

Oops!

So I'm kickin' some ass and takin' some names at work all day on Friday. I had been on the phone to prospects, setting appointments, and generally feeling really good about my productive day. It was a good day and I was motivated to stay at my desk over my lunch break and work on a few things on my "honey-do" list. Call the baby-sitter, check on flights for Thanksgiving, pick my nose, etc. etc. I'm flying through my list with the same speed and accuracy I've been doing with my work.

Next Up: Check Delta Flights for Thanksgiving. I've got Delta skymiles that are about to expire next year and since I don't fly Delta anymore, I'm hoping to cash in on a little free-miles before I close the book on Delta all together. The only problem is they don't really fly much out of my local airport so I really need to speak with a representative. A Big problem I have with the internet is that companies don't like to just hand over their customer service number... go figure. I guess they either expect you to figure it out yourself on-line or just go away. Not a problem for me, I do a google search for Airline numbers and find a whole list.

Look right there! It's the Delta Domestic Number! Don't believe me? Try it for yourself.

1-800-221-1212

Just one word of caution. Don't get your 1's and your 2's mixed up. Like say for instance...

1-800-221-2121

I'm warning you! Don't believe me? Try it for yourself.

Me? I'm expecting a call from Information Technology and Human Resources within the week asking for my resignation!